Sufferer Hi, Just Another Guy With Issues

[TheKunBaBa]

Hi, i used to read a lot of things here and recently thought of being and talking to people who r also going through similar things, I'm just tired and angry all the time.

I've c-PTSD, traits of borderline, dependent, avoidant, passive aggressive personality disorders..

Been through all kinds of abuse, physical, emotional mental, sexual, n still going through some.

I used to be a shy, introvert guy but as since 2 weeks, all i feel is anger at all the people and things around and have become very sensitive.

Suffocates me at home, folks always fighting verbally. Avoid friends as they smoke weed , i used to smoke n it was fun but since a few months it makes me worse, gives a bad trip, paranoia, and quietens me down , so down that i cant even stand up for myself.

I'm on some medication, for thoughts n smoking and eating. As i cant stop thinking and throat is always dry no matter how much water i drink, thus i cannot eat anything.

Parents are not supportive even though they know wat I'm going through. Its been a year since i got my reports n they still haven't read it. I really dont know why am i surviving.

My health got worst 2 days ago, had severe headache on the left side in the front n top of the head, had severe chest pain again on left side n after a while heartache and every few minutes left abdomen would hurt as if someone knifed me. All this started @ 12am and i couldn't sleep so eventually @ 4:45am i went n burnt myself with a cigarette still nothing happened, no pain no distraction , so I cut myself again and again but nothing happened, usually after 1 or 2 cuts i wud feel something, this time nothing, i didnt even feel anything wen i saw my own blood which also makes me feel alive, nothing happened, no pain so i stopped after 9 cuts on my arm and 2 mins later all the pain (head,chest,abdomen) suddenly disappeared den cleaned up n went to bed..as i woke up in the morning the thoughts started again n lost it n burned myself again after smoking , again nothing.

Then got ready went to work..and since then all i want to do is be alone, coz i dont know when will i lose it n on whom..

 

[intothelight]

@TheKunBaBa Welcome to the forum!

I am not sure what services are available where you live, but at least check with a doctor about the physical pain as there may be something more severe underlying it. This site has a lot of information about self-harm and alternatives you may want to check into. I hope you find it helpful.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome to the Forum, KunBaBa!
You have found a safe place to vent feelings, and get to know some people who, over the internet are less "intimidating"...not sure that's the word I want to use.

I'm sorry you feel so horrible physically, which makes the mental and emotional much harder to deal with. At least you are working, and that's a positive!

We care, and many of us are on the same "boat" just at different levels.

Blessings & Peace sent your way!
AKJ

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum! :)

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of people who feel similar and understand. There is a lot of advice and support to be found here :) I hope that this amazing community helps you as much as it helped me, reading all the similar stories, and learning a lot along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[TheKunBaBa]

Im working but i dont like the job but i have no other option, while growing up parents went through a lot of financial difficulties, and the most important time in life during A level i had to quit school n go to work coz he could support only one of us(me or my young bro)..

I have been working since then, bouncing from one place to another. I just earned enough to put him through college but not enough for my education, i want to be a genetic engineer, which later changed to neuro scientist, wanted to do something for mankind, something worth remembering and feeling that hey i did something even if I'm the only one who knows it..as i like to work from behind the scenes, dont like to take credit. Instead give it to others. Jack of all master of none. So lost in my life..nothing to look forward to, nothing to go on with. I have no idea who im or wat im or why the f*** was i born here...

I write a blog on an off, but i tell everyone i dont write it, i write it on behalf of my best friend..as he wants to remain anonymous.

I'm so afraid to show people the me, or things I'm going through, i think its mainly becoz i fear rejection n criticism n many of them just say its temporary , you'll snap out of it one morning. And the job I'm working at its father's company, n i hate it, as far as i know myself i like quiet job, not much interaction with people, here i have to talk to people , from labours to client's management n eventually the shitty bank people..i want to go n live in the mountains, or else I'll hurt them. Living alone is far better than in midst of chaos.

Btw i live n India, Mumbai. Seeing a female psychotherapist (I'm a male, 27), i have a huge fear of talking to anyone n i dread females n phone calls, i thought may b talking to one may change things, but i m unable to reveal any feelings or thoughts, i will forever b alone, there is no one who would like to be wit me, i just leave anytime, i had a gf 3 yrs ago n i just left , no calls no msgs just disappeared, i returned a month later n she sd i cant see u anymore, n since then i don't like to make any relationship with any one , no one understands me, NASA is putting people on mars, send me i wud love to live alone n never return..

I'm not fit for this world,, and i see a psychologist for somatic therapy and a psychiatrist who gives me pills, whom I'll be meeting today to ask me to give me shock therapy, may b it may fix something coz nothing else is..

 

[mary1979]

You're overloaded you poor thing :(

Way too much pressure both externally and internally for one brain to take.

The whole shock therapy thing scares the life out of me, is that really necessary?

Some of what you are dealing with at least is purely situational, your symptoms will ease if you could just let some things slide.
But I know culturally you guys just place a crap tonne of pressure on yourselves to succeed, so my advice may not be practical on the scale of, quit worrying about everyone else and their expectations and focus on YOU.

You mention pills to quit smoking?
I forget the name of the ones I had, however I believe they are all of a similar type. But man, those things messed with my head BAD, I mean delusional, seeing things that weren't there, psychosis type bad.
I wouldn't recommend them to anyone, and especially not mixed with other medication.
(I've never taken a med that I've reacted to so badly, and I've been round the med game a long time, you said the anger is over last 2 weeks, did you start the stop smoking ones within a few days of that?)

Hugs to you for your loneliness, I'm sure after a few days here that will ease, this site is full of people you can open up to and be YOU around without fear of judgement xxx

 

[TheKunBaBa]

Thank you @mary1979 , i find nothing working for me, so i thought of this (extreme) shock therapy, it may fix me .. i have written at a lot of places (diary, poems, stories) that im broken n nothing can fix me, i dont know whats broken, so nothing can fix me..i feel alien abnormal, how do i live with this weird feeling that i get everyday everywhere , i cant name the feeling but its feels like i dont belong here, everywhere i go , everyday, every second n it wont matter if i m with a friend or family. Therapist, doc n the other lady. All the conversations will be scrutinized under a magnifying glass n then the microscope n some even on electron microscope. I dont know how i do it n why, everything is connected or new r made somewhere in the mind. Then i say things which pushes them away..or they just leave, i dont care, i find peace of mind when someone leaves, used to it, a lot have left and i made many leave.i just shutdown avoid everything , for example there's a storm in the ocean , and me in a submarine somewhere couple of miles below looking outside from the window n peaceful in darkness ...just not reachable.. I know i do it, but i can't stop doing it, its one thing i need to do.its automatic, i dont even control it. Its as important as breathing for me. Its keeping me alive, i do not know for what.

I'm on Buproprion xl 300, for smoking n fluvator (Fluvoxamine) for thoughts...
I have been on bupropion for last month n a half. I actually felt better wen i didn't smoke..n now i smoke to suffocate me, it like one part inside me wants to go on n other to kill me, third wants to be in solitude, one wants to travel, leave home n go anywhere but here..but I'm so afraid of the world , dont trust no one ...I'm stuck like this is all the parts on my life with something or the other..

I haven't cried since the year 2000, 20th DEC, 13:45. My grandfather (mom's dad) died, i started crying, but dad said " if u cry , brother will also start, n you know only mom can make him quiet n she isnt here, she left in the morning, n she is 550 kms away..n now I'm dropping you to my parents house, n I'll b back soon." (I didn't even get to see his face, they should have taken me along)
The picture, the conversation, the details of the scene, the signal(we were taking a left), its so clear in my head...then i rolled down the window n just kept looking outside as the breeze dried the tears. This happened on 20th and 4 days prior i.e.on 16th as i returned from hostel, i told them, fought with them, broke things, n eventually cried begging them to take me to him, (as we meet him once a year in summer vacations). All they gave me was a phone call (like they do it in jails) n oh i cried n he(grandpa) said we'll meet in vacations in april stay together for 2 months, now u only have 15 days. I dont remember the rest of the conversation but it was the last(i knew it). Somehow i knew something, no one listened. N I'm the one who's suffering the maximum. Even after all these years.
He died a natural death, he was praying in the morning after bath like usual n he roamed around the house with incense stick in his hand n suddenly fell, heart attack, instant death. He was 72. Fit n very disciplined,(when he leaves his home in the morning, the sound from his scooter would indicate its 8:45am, thats how his neighbors described) he was a home guard officer very strict but never with me. I was 12, i guess I'm still stuck there.

Wen i returned to hostel after this, i was quiet, i use to fall more than play(soccer), helped a good friend run away from hostel, he didnt like, he was way far from north, i was the mastermind behind his route to excape. In jan they had cross country runs. I told him where to hide, n was with him for quiet a part of journey. I had a magnifying glass, so i collected a lot of leaves behind the dorm n burned it one after noon, which later spread to the dried grass around n a pretty huge place was burned. N seniors were given firing.
Then there was a banyan tree n it was as big as 30 feet with roots hanging from most of its branches, n i used to climb up all the way n slided down its roots wasnt scared of nothing but a few months before his death i didnt climb i just swung on the roots closer to the ground.
N this one is very unusual, i had never seen it, nor heard , didnt know anything abt it.
I was sitting under a tree one evening, alone, sad, n i saw a piece of glass from a broken bottle, took it n slashed my arm. I had no idea what i was doing, i didn't cry felt no pain, n wen nurse asked me wat happened i sd "i was playing with a puppy n this happened coz of his nails) n she believed it, n i was given 3 injections, immunity from rabies.
Since then lying is huge part of my conversations,. I feel i can lie naturally. Probably a survival mechanism, i guess.