Hi- My Mother Was Bi-polar And Abusive

[adrenalinejunkie]

Hello,

I am a woman in forties and have spent my entire life dealing with the aftermath of the trauma inflicted upon me by my bi-polar abusive mother.

I've spent a total of ten years in therapy, done some EMDR, self medicated with pot in my 20's, did a lot of art therapy on my own. In addition, I've been on several medications for PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Attacks, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and a sleep disorder characterized by nightmares for ten years.

I had not wanted to resort to taking meds, but they have made me able to be (mostly) a calm parent, to finish graduate school and hold a full time job in a stressful environment.

I struggle most with envying others who do not have to shoulder this heavy burden through their lives. I see how light and carefree they are, and how easy their interactions with other people are.

I am 'doing well' by the standards of both my therapist and my psychiatrist. I am stable, I hold a job, my children are turning out well. But it is really really really hard. I struggle a lot with work situations. There's a lot of politics which go on at work and I react in terror at any skirmish, like I think the Nazis are going to capture me.

I would really enjoy hearing from others who also struggle to maintain calm at work, even when they might be freaking out inside.

Thanks,

AJ

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.

I can totally relate to having a sick minded so called mother. Mine was just down right evil that shouldn't have had any children.

 

[adrenalinejunkie]

Thanks Sandra,

I was able to forgive my mother before she died. She seemed evil to me at the time but now I believe that she was just mentally ill and a mean drunk. I am more upset with the members of my family who knew how crazy she was and who knew what was going on but who did not intervene.

AJ

 

[Sandra]

I can totally relate to that too. But then my siblings were my so called mother's favourites. I was also told I was the accident that wasn't wanted and she sure treated me as such. Since my siblings were her favourites they have always taken my so called mother's side. So bottom line my siblings were never there for me either.

I even removed my brother out of my life almost 20 years ago and only talk to my sister only if I need something. It's just a user relationship and it will never be a sister relationship sadly to say. But this isn't uncommon to be distant when a family was dysfunctional.

I have a hard time with forgiveness and have yet to forgive any of them for treating me so nasty.

 

[Sterre]

I had not wanted to resort to taking meds, but they have made me able to be (mostly) a calm parent, to finish graduate school and hold a full time job in a stressful environment.

I struggle most with envying others who do not have to shoulder this heavy burden through their lives. I see how light and carefree they are, and how easy their interactions with other people are.
AJ

Welcome to the forum AJ!

First I would like to compliment you on how you are dealing with your situation! You are diong a great jog job by taking meds, eventhough you dont want to, and by holding a job eventhough it triggers some of your fears.
And to be able to raise your childeren without burdening them with your problems and struggles is a real achivement, given the circumstances!

I relate very much to the envy you feel, and how it gets in the way of interacting with other people who's lives where carefree and stable.

Good luck on this wonderfull forum!!!!!

 

[adrenalinejunkie]

Thanks Sterre,

I am trying to overcome envy as it leads to bitterness. Bitterness, self pity, these things are no good. They don't get us to where we want to be in life.

I am in search of serenity. I have it, maybe half of the time.

AJ

 

[KP the nut]

Hi AJ, welcome to the forum, I'm pleased you found us.

Wishing you peace and healing
KP

 

[Sterre]

You are right AJ!

And it is quitte an accomplishment that you can find serentity for half of the time, it can only grow stronger!

 

[Kendra]

I struggle most with envying others who do not have to shoulder this heavy burden through their lives. I see how light and carefree they are, and how easy their interactions with other people are.

I am 'doing well' by the standards of both my therapist and my psychiatrist. I am stable, I hold a job, my children are turning out well. But it is really really really hard. I struggle a lot with work situations. There's a lot of politics which go on at work and I react in terror at any skirmish, like I think the Nazis are going to capture me.

I envy people who didn't have much trauma in their lives, too. We had suffer through all this sh*t and then the "normal" people expect us to recover from it quickly, act as if nothing has happened, and do stuff as well as they do. But you know, if they would have gone through what you would have gone through they would be having trouble in their life, too.

You are doing a great job! Please don't try to compare yourself to people who had a "normal" life.

 

[adrenalinejunkie]

Thanks Kendra,

It's hard at work because I know I've been passed over for promotions for being considered a little strange or 'nervy' or 'emotional' . I'm a hard worker, I'm consistent, great with clients, up on the technology, but I don't know the tiny little social nuances that everyone else learned before the age of 3.

My mother kept me in my room with the door locked between the ages of 1-3. She came in intermittently to feed me or change a diaper. I am grateful every day that she did not beat me senseless as well, but that she had the presence of mind to keep me safe away from her. I have processed all this abandonment stuff in therapy, and have forgiven my deceased, mentally ill mother, but I can't get over the work stuff!

AJ