Purplebutterfly
New Here
Hi, bit unsure where to start but here goes. Iv had depression on and off since a teen, iv abused drugs since then, have serious trust and anger issues, left school early after being suspended for fighting. My parents were big drinkers who used to fight a lot until they split for good when i was 12.
One of my earliest memories was trying/imitating sex with a boy in nursery and feeling very turned on. This worries me as i hadnt even started full time school then. Is this normal?
I also remember being very violent to another girl around the same time. I also remember my mum and dad making me listen to very rude songs and telling me the words to them while finding it all amusing.
Skip a few yrs, and again i remember reenacting sex with a boy and again strong sexual feelings (embarrassed ) again being violent to a girl.
I do also remember my mum with lots of different men. One time her and a guy sat opposite me kissing and he had her breasts out playing with them. Another time my mum had sex with a guy while i laid next to them in bed and she was holding my hand??? I also walked in on her having sex with yet another man.
There was lots of scary violence between her and dad at this time too. She would also leave me to look after myself when she couldn't get a babysitter and she went out for the night. I was sensible apparently.
I started masturbating by about 10 and did so very often for years (release?) Also me and a female in my extended family used to have sexual relations from am early age (embarrassed again) we were the same age btw.
My dad is/was very controlling. When he was drunk hed kiss me but his lips always parted. I hated it. I assume he didnt realise due to being drunk. He used to tell me sexual jokes that he would explain cos i didnt get it.
I had a very rebellious teenage time sent to live with lots of different people who chucked me out cos i wouldn't go to school. I used to run away and one time i had my first period and went back to mums as i was scared etc. I told her about my period and her response was to take me to docs for a virginity test, convinced id had sex (i hadnt).
Went to live with dad late teens he used to like buying me triple vodkas at the club. Other times I'd be in bed and hed come home drunk and if i hadnt washed the dishes he would shout at me to get up and continue to shout at me while breaking dishes while i sat scared in the chair. I also used to get the feeling he would leer at me when i was dressed up to go out.
As an adult iv been in a couple of violent relationships. I neglect my personal hygiene tho im getting better. Once id had some acid and was in the shower with a partner, he touched me in a certain way and instantly it felt like my dad and i pushed him away and sobbed uncontrollably for ages. Thing is because id had acid i can confirm if it was a flashback. Tho the emotions were very real.
I really do not know what to make of my life and what has happened. Am i just being silly or is this why iv had problems all my life? Anyway i really hope iv made sense and not bored u all. This is the first time iv ever posted this so thank you for allowing me.
One of my earliest memories was trying/imitating sex with a boy in nursery and feeling very turned on. This worries me as i hadnt even started full time school then. Is this normal?
I also remember being very violent to another girl around the same time. I also remember my mum and dad making me listen to very rude songs and telling me the words to them while finding it all amusing.
Skip a few yrs, and again i remember reenacting sex with a boy and again strong sexual feelings (embarrassed ) again being violent to a girl.
I do also remember my mum with lots of different men. One time her and a guy sat opposite me kissing and he had her breasts out playing with them. Another time my mum had sex with a guy while i laid next to them in bed and she was holding my hand??? I also walked in on her having sex with yet another man.
There was lots of scary violence between her and dad at this time too. She would also leave me to look after myself when she couldn't get a babysitter and she went out for the night. I was sensible apparently.
I started masturbating by about 10 and did so very often for years (release?) Also me and a female in my extended family used to have sexual relations from am early age (embarrassed again) we were the same age btw.
My dad is/was very controlling. When he was drunk hed kiss me but his lips always parted. I hated it. I assume he didnt realise due to being drunk. He used to tell me sexual jokes that he would explain cos i didnt get it.
I had a very rebellious teenage time sent to live with lots of different people who chucked me out cos i wouldn't go to school. I used to run away and one time i had my first period and went back to mums as i was scared etc. I told her about my period and her response was to take me to docs for a virginity test, convinced id had sex (i hadnt).
Went to live with dad late teens he used to like buying me triple vodkas at the club. Other times I'd be in bed and hed come home drunk and if i hadnt washed the dishes he would shout at me to get up and continue to shout at me while breaking dishes while i sat scared in the chair. I also used to get the feeling he would leer at me when i was dressed up to go out.
As an adult iv been in a couple of violent relationships. I neglect my personal hygiene tho im getting better. Once id had some acid and was in the shower with a partner, he touched me in a certain way and instantly it felt like my dad and i pushed him away and sobbed uncontrollably for ages. Thing is because id had acid i can confirm if it was a flashback. Tho the emotions were very real.
I really do not know what to make of my life and what has happened. Am i just being silly or is this why iv had problems all my life? Anyway i really hope iv made sense and not bored u all. This is the first time iv ever posted this so thank you for allowing me.
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