crazytrain
Silver Member
Hello; I am CrazyTrain, although my given name is Scott. Even my avatar and username sometimes can feel like part of my past "hiding" to an extent. I am to the point where I realize that I have nothing to be ashamed of. (Today I feel this way...tomorrow may be completely different!)
Anyway, I have been suffering many symptoms for many years, but did not actually disclose my past sexual abuse trauma with a therapist until last May. I told my T and two weeks later is when she made the diagnosis. Then she went on maternity leave until August of that year. by then I had convinced myself that there was no way that I had PTSD.
Sound familiar to anyone? Sometimes having a degree in Psychology is not a good thing! I am somehow able to make good observations and suggestions to and about other people, yet fail to see what is right in front of me all the time. My own struggles I have put off to the side and forgotten for so long that they have not ever been taken care of until now.
I was first prescribed antidepressants for the Major Depression Disorder, again, back to last Spring. I took it very religiously for a month (my whole prescription), didn't feel any differently so did not bother renewing the Rx. Needless to say, that was not my best move. I ended up doing okay for most of the summer and into the Fall, but crashed right before the Holidays. I had started seeking online sexual encounters, looking at pornography again, and generally just isolating myself from any friends and family I had. This actually is fairly typical for me; historically I do not do very well in the Winter months. I have since discovered that my "initial contact" with my abuser happened in the Winter. This could very well account for the feelings of anger, shame, etc. during those months.
Anyway, I won't bore you with the details here, I have the diary to do that! I have discovered also that I have a lot to get out, so please bear with me in this process! I also have a pretty bad memory, so the memories I do have are sometimes jumbled up and seem out of order; maybe some are. T and I are working on a history timeline so I can get things in the right perspective. I told her good luck with that!
Okay, nice to finally "meet" you all, although I have seen some of you around on the other forum, so we are not complete strangers!
Thanks again!
CT, AKA Scott
Anyway, I have been suffering many symptoms for many years, but did not actually disclose my past sexual abuse trauma with a therapist until last May. I told my T and two weeks later is when she made the diagnosis. Then she went on maternity leave until August of that year. by then I had convinced myself that there was no way that I had PTSD.
Sound familiar to anyone? Sometimes having a degree in Psychology is not a good thing! I am somehow able to make good observations and suggestions to and about other people, yet fail to see what is right in front of me all the time. My own struggles I have put off to the side and forgotten for so long that they have not ever been taken care of until now.
I was first prescribed antidepressants for the Major Depression Disorder, again, back to last Spring. I took it very religiously for a month (my whole prescription), didn't feel any differently so did not bother renewing the Rx. Needless to say, that was not my best move. I ended up doing okay for most of the summer and into the Fall, but crashed right before the Holidays. I had started seeking online sexual encounters, looking at pornography again, and generally just isolating myself from any friends and family I had. This actually is fairly typical for me; historically I do not do very well in the Winter months. I have since discovered that my "initial contact" with my abuser happened in the Winter. This could very well account for the feelings of anger, shame, etc. during those months.
Anyway, I won't bore you with the details here, I have the diary to do that! I have discovered also that I have a lot to get out, so please bear with me in this process! I also have a pretty bad memory, so the memories I do have are sometimes jumbled up and seem out of order; maybe some are. T and I are working on a history timeline so I can get things in the right perspective. I told her good luck with that!
Okay, nice to finally "meet" you all, although I have seen some of you around on the other forum, so we are not complete strangers!
Thanks again!
CT, AKA Scott
