Sufferer Hi. retired leo

[CdnCopper]

Hello all. I am a retired police officer. I started my career as a 911 Operator/Dispatcher. After 2 years of that I became a Police Officer and put in 33 years before retiring 4 years ago.

I've been shot at, stabbed, hit by a car at a DWI Spot Check, involved in a serious on duty crash that killed the other driver, left disabled due to an on duty roadside fight, decades of investigating fatal collisions, sudden deaths, suicides, homicides, assaults, sex crimes, domestics disputes, screaming moms who lost their children, screaming children who lost their moms, it goes on and on.

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1991 after a suicide attempt. One of the first cases allowed then by Workers Comp. Back then they allowed a dozen counselling sessions after which you were apparently "cured" and off their books. I self medicated for years after that with alcohol and prescription meds. I was a functioning addict with a badge and gun. It was the only way I could manage to get myself through a shift all the while exposing myself to more and more trauma.

I never returned to counselling or therapy I guess because I found the first go around pretty useless. I managed to kick the drug and alcohol habit on my own prior to retiring.

Since retiring I realized that I left my support system behind when I walked out those doors. As soon as I did that I was no longer part of the family. I went back a few times but the people I worked with have moved on.

I now spend my time alone. Ive developed severe anxiety on top of the daily flashbacks. I hate being around people. It seems like every day I remember crap that took place years ago that I have never thought about before. It just comes back like a tidal wave, worse than it did when I was working. Working was actually a form of therapy, the camaraderie kept me on an even keel. Now all of that is gone.

At times it is very overwhelming and I do what I can to keep going. Nights are the worst. I have trouble sleeping which gives my mind more time to bring up more crap. I've burned all of my uniforms, decades of medals, awards and recognitions are in a box in the attic. I have no cop stuff around as it reminds me of crap. I don't watch cop stuff on TV because it brings crap back. I avoid watching the news or reading the newspapers because of the crap it brings back.

This is retirement.

 

[Swift]

Hi and welcome.
I'm so sorry you've been through such terrible things.
Thank you for doing the job you did to keep the rest of us safe.
I hope this forum helps you.

 

[Sweetleaf]

What you need, is to see a trauma-specialized therapist. Your last go-around with that might have gone poorly, but that's because they expected a measly 12 sessions of counseling to cure you of PTSD.

I see someone who is specialized in EMDR therapy.

As someone with years worth of trauma - I don't think it's possible to fix years worth of trauma in 12 sessions.
I've had a lot more therapy sessions than that, and I know for sure I have a whole lot farther and longer to go.

It makes me feel sad, that there are so many people (such as yourself) who go so long without treatment and therapy. Even if you self-medicated, you still are strong as hell for pulling through all those years without therapy.

Give it another shot, it's definitely worth it. Your retirement doesn't have to be like this - it can be a whole lot better.

 

[Daydreamer]

Hello and welcome!
I'm sorry about the traumas you had to endure and the state they left you in.
I also wanna congratulate you on overcoming you alcohol and medication addictions! It shows how strong and dedicated you can be. Use those values in pursuing therapy and other forms of support.
After all those years of hard work you deserve a happy retirement.
All the best to you!

 

[littleoc]

Welcome :)

I'm glad you're reaching out. I hope over time you can finally make your retirement comfortable.

 

[Still Standing]

Welcome, CdnCooper! You found the right place for support, encouragement, a safe place to post, to share, rant, or ask for some help. We are young folk and old folk around here. PTSD is no respecter of persons. I am a grandmother and just started therapy this last summer. I have had this since childhood, except I did not know it had a name, let alone help for it. Things have changed a lot since you went in for counseling support. I would suggest you research psychologists or therapists in your area who are Trauma experts and utilize Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or EMDR or both. They are beneficial in helping you go forward with your life. You need support. Stick around here, too. This is a good place to be.

 

[Marinna]

Thank you for all you have done to protect people. You have come to the right place for some well earned healing. Welcome :)

 

[CdnCopper]

Thank you for the welcome.

I try to take things one day at a time because I know a real bad day might just be followed by a "not bad" day.

Just after I retired my department rolled out all sorts of assistance and support for members with ptsd, including a no questions asked approval by workers compensation as long as the diagnosis was made by a psychologist or psychiatrist with a direct connection related to the job. My fight with Workers comp in 91 began in 89. Two years of hell. My how things have changed, and for the better.

During my career three former colleagues have committed suicide. One partner I had was shot one night, a night that I had decided to take off. Because of that he was riding by himself when he got involved in a shootout. He survived but never fully recovered. If I had been there it probably would've turned out differently.

Anyway, these are just some of my demons. I tend to find new ones way too often.

Looking forward to my time here.

Thanks again.

 

[Freida]

Hi there!

dispatch here -- got my ptsd courtesy of the military and then did my 20 in dispatch. So I'm a total nut job! And I get it -- I worked with lots of people who used adult beverages as their coping skill of choice. You are so right when you say you walk out the door and it's over. I've been off 7 months and pretty much lost all my support system from work.

the good news? I came here and built a new one - with people who know what I'm going thru. It really has been helpful - we all got here thru different avenues but we are all now fighting the same battle. And you are right - back in the 90s no one had a clue on how to treat us.

My therapy is based in military crap right now but there's lots of horrible stuff in the background from 911 just waiting it's turn. But it can be helped -- get a trauma therapist and look into emdr. I'm doing that right now and while it is brutal it is amazingly effective. Walk in with a memory that crushes your soul - walk out with a sad thing in your past.

So welcome to the roller coaster!