Undiagnosed Hi, Stillbirth, Traumatic Live Birth, Nicu Mom

[MomOfTwo]

Thank you all for your kind words. My appointment went well, my therapist did not think I was crazy. She said that I have long suffered with significant post traumatic stress, and she takes my own clinical assessment seriously. I have bee her patient for eight or so years, so when I asked when the last time I cried in a session was, she quickly realized that I have had a flattened affect for a long time. And she had already noted that I have been displaying a lot of learned helplessness. So she wants to explore the idea of a PTSD diagnosis. But because it is such complex trauma, she wants me to see a trauma specialist for a few visits, one who can teach me self hypnosis.

MomofTwo: thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you had a loss and NICU babies. I hope they are doing well.

I am glad your appointment went well. :-) My babies are now 3. They keep me very busy! PTSD is very complex and you have been through many traumas. I hope you get the help you need. ;-)

 

[Whitney Maloney]

Rebecca, I can relate.
Here is my story....

November 1, 2007, a little over four years ago, I had my first baby, a beautiful baby boy named Michael, but he however was a stillbirth at 39 weeks. I had gone in for my weekly doctor's appointments, in fact felt him kick that morning, went to my appointment so happy, hoping they would say I was dilated or something because I was so excited to meet my little boy. That however was not what happened, and when they went to hear the heart beat, there was no heartbeat with the Doppler. At first I had a little hope as did the doctor because sometimes you cannot always hear the heartbeat that well, so they took me into the sonogram room, which I can still vividly remember being so cold, and they confirmed my little boy had died inside of me. A stillborn. I remember hyperventilating, sobbing uncontrollably, not being able to breath, thrashing around, screaming so loud, it was awful. My husband was out of town on business thankfully my mom had gone​

to the appointment with me. They told me I could wait and see if I go into labor naturally or go to hospital and get induced. I chose going to the hospital. It was awful, I checked into hospital to have a baby that was my life my dreams, who was dead be taken out of me while other happy mothers were checking in to have their living babies. They induced me, which had no success, I remember those 24 hours sobbing uncontrollably, being medicated and holding on to dear life to the bunny which was supposed to be for my son, and had already been packed in the hospital bag weeks before along with his clothes and diapers and blankets. But I would not let go of that bunny. I moaned, and sobbed, just typing this I feel a physical pain in my heart and chest. It hurts everyday still and so many things trigger thinking about it. After no luck with inducing me, and my husband arrived they decided on a Cesarean. I don't remember much about it,​

except my hands stretched out on either side of me almost like a crucifixion, and screaming. I beat myself up everyday but I don't remember seeing my son, or holding him which I did. Thank the lord I have pictures of my beautiful baby and my family and I holding him because I don't remember anything past the beginning of my Cesarean. I stayed in hospital for six days, because I was so mentally unstable, and wouldn't eat. They ran every possible test on me and did an autopsy on my sweet baby which I don't remember saying it was okay and breaks my heart when I think about them opening him up. But they never figured out what happened. We had a funeral. I don't even remember that at all except a few moments. Like me putting stuff together to put in his little white coffin, like a baby book, his outfit, a blanket, a little white bunny and a picture of my dogs and my husband and I. The story goes on. Before all of this, I never had anxiety​

or depression and ever since then I have. I am scared of always losing things I love, I have OCD now, like kissing his picture a certain way everyday and many more weird rituals and habits. I blame myself everyday and think it was my fault for some reason.Life has gone on. I switched doctors, and saw a perianatologist, they wanted me to wait at least 18m months before I tried to get pregnant, I said I couldn't so I waited a year. Thankfully we got pregnant that very first month, the pregnancy was filled with hope, but also I was a nervous wreck. But we ended up with a beautiful baby girl, so healthy, then waited another year and got pregnant again and had another beautiful healthy girl, my oldest is 2 and half years and my youngest is nine months tomorrow. They have brought me so much joy, and I laugh and smile and function normally on most levels everyday. But I still have nightmares, I still blame myself, I still have major anxiety, which​

I take medicine for which I hate, and still in the back of my head I think about it all the time.Could you please tell me if what I went through was a traumatic experience, and if it is normal I am so different and from that moment have acted different and my anxiety is so bad?Everyone around me seems to think I should be fine and be past it, and they almost get mad at me if I ask questions or get sad. I just need some answers and some advice.​