Che Guebuddha
Bronze Member
Hi to all.
First to say that i am not native to english language so please excuse my wording.
I dont know where to start realy ... Im not even sure i have this PTSD thing. I never talk about this but I was a frontline soldier in the Bosnia civil war from 1993-1995. I was 18 when i was enroled into the army.
For the last 6 years i feel very much agitated especially by my wife. She doesnt seem to understand some very clear stuff as if her logic is deformed. Most of the people i know have no idea how much suffering there is in this world and seemed to be only concerned for themselves. This agitates me.
Let me start from the beggining after the war stopped. Today is November 2011 and the war stopped in 1995. It feels as a dream. As it never realy happened but it appears in the mind every now and then.
The whole first year i have spend sitting at home, being afraid to go out and meet with the neighbours. If i think again even today i dont feel to meet with them. This is the reason i never go to Bosnia to visit my parents. I cant stand the country anymore. I live in sweden now.
I started reading books on psychology suddenly.
At some stage i felt ok to go out but only to work and then to the pub to get drunk. I drank for several years.
I would get panic attacks if in big shopping halls or if in public transport. The panic attack would always hit my lower belly to thepoint of needing toilet immediately to poop, it would be very painful to keep the stool in, like a sharp razor blade is cutting through the belly. I would always go on my knees if that happened holding the screem in my lungs. Eventualy i would be sweathing like crazy and after finding the toilet i would actualy reveal myself (i was not imagening).
If im to travel by buss for longer time i would always choise night time. The attacks never happened during nigh time. These attacks got reduced considerably 2 years ago when u started to practice a meditation technique called Samatha-Vipassana. Thanks to this practice my every so often stiff pain neck disapeared.
Im afraid to sleep alone at night and would have a knife near by. I would watch tv until im totaly sleepy. For many years i chose to paint oil paintings during the night time and then at dawn i would sleep. Because of this life style i chose to be a night time bartender when i lived in Ireland.
I sweath alot during sleep time. As if i just came under the shower. The whole bed is totaly wet so i must get up and change the bed linnen and clothes im in. My wife cant understand why this is happening neither can i.
When my wife and i go into nature im always observing the surrounding. Im afraid to walk alone in the forest. I mean i would feel ok with a gun but i have none.
If we are walking on the edge of a forest and thereis another forest just accross the field i would start breathing heavily anf would keep my eyes scanning the edge of the forest. My wife would feel the building tension and would ask whats going on. I would tell her that this terain reminds me of war. I would be looking for spots were sniper would probably shoot from at us.
I also have feeling that wild animals might jump at us especialy wildbore.
If we walk at night in the city i would be on the look out for approaching houligans even when there is no one on the street if you know what i mean. Its like paranoia i guess. In the case there are some lads approaching down the street i would be immediately scanning my area for something i could use in combat like rocks, wooden garbage lefton street, bottle, peace of broken glass etc... This feeling too subsided since i started with the insight meditation practice. Im learning to objectify the mind state and observe it until it passes away. At times it is just overwhelming that i even change direction and skip into another street.
Im not suicidal but i always kept a hand granade during the war for myself in case i get captured by the extremist para-troops which were known for slaughtering soldiers and civilisns. I was in the regular army. I am not suicidal but i also dont look forward to life.
For long time i would have to know exactly where my shows and clothes are before going to bed, especially shoes in case of fire or some sort of emergency you must know where your shoes are. I could always find my shoes even in total darkness.
I never realy thought that im suffering from this PTSD until yesterday after i saw themovie on DVD called Black Hawk Down. I cried and after the movie i suddenly looked up PTSD on you tube and found the documentary called Wartorn and Broken Heroes. I watched the videos and i wept ... And i watched more and i wept more ... I even cry now as i write this... I didnt know im so weak. And so many out there are suffering so much ... Its overwhelming.
I dont know if i have this PTSD but i could see myself in their stories and today i called my doc and got apointment for the 25th November. My wife did ask me many times to go to the shrink but i refused saying that im totaly normal. Maybe im not ... She said so many times how much she loves the carrying and loving man in me which shows up only in short intervals and how scared she feels most of the time from the angry me.
Im sorry for writting so much. Thank you for being here.
May we all be happy and at peace
p.s. At this time my dog started barking for no aparent reason and he freaks me out. I threw him yesterday at the sofa. Im afraid that next time i might loose it and maybe harm him actualy. I must see the shrink i see that now.
First to say that i am not native to english language so please excuse my wording.
I dont know where to start realy ... Im not even sure i have this PTSD thing. I never talk about this but I was a frontline soldier in the Bosnia civil war from 1993-1995. I was 18 when i was enroled into the army.
For the last 6 years i feel very much agitated especially by my wife. She doesnt seem to understand some very clear stuff as if her logic is deformed. Most of the people i know have no idea how much suffering there is in this world and seemed to be only concerned for themselves. This agitates me.
Let me start from the beggining after the war stopped. Today is November 2011 and the war stopped in 1995. It feels as a dream. As it never realy happened but it appears in the mind every now and then.
The whole first year i have spend sitting at home, being afraid to go out and meet with the neighbours. If i think again even today i dont feel to meet with them. This is the reason i never go to Bosnia to visit my parents. I cant stand the country anymore. I live in sweden now.
I started reading books on psychology suddenly.
At some stage i felt ok to go out but only to work and then to the pub to get drunk. I drank for several years.
I would get panic attacks if in big shopping halls or if in public transport. The panic attack would always hit my lower belly to thepoint of needing toilet immediately to poop, it would be very painful to keep the stool in, like a sharp razor blade is cutting through the belly. I would always go on my knees if that happened holding the screem in my lungs. Eventualy i would be sweathing like crazy and after finding the toilet i would actualy reveal myself (i was not imagening).
If im to travel by buss for longer time i would always choise night time. The attacks never happened during nigh time. These attacks got reduced considerably 2 years ago when u started to practice a meditation technique called Samatha-Vipassana. Thanks to this practice my every so often stiff pain neck disapeared.
Im afraid to sleep alone at night and would have a knife near by. I would watch tv until im totaly sleepy. For many years i chose to paint oil paintings during the night time and then at dawn i would sleep. Because of this life style i chose to be a night time bartender when i lived in Ireland.
I sweath alot during sleep time. As if i just came under the shower. The whole bed is totaly wet so i must get up and change the bed linnen and clothes im in. My wife cant understand why this is happening neither can i.
When my wife and i go into nature im always observing the surrounding. Im afraid to walk alone in the forest. I mean i would feel ok with a gun but i have none.
If we are walking on the edge of a forest and thereis another forest just accross the field i would start breathing heavily anf would keep my eyes scanning the edge of the forest. My wife would feel the building tension and would ask whats going on. I would tell her that this terain reminds me of war. I would be looking for spots were sniper would probably shoot from at us.
I also have feeling that wild animals might jump at us especialy wildbore.
If we walk at night in the city i would be on the look out for approaching houligans even when there is no one on the street if you know what i mean. Its like paranoia i guess. In the case there are some lads approaching down the street i would be immediately scanning my area for something i could use in combat like rocks, wooden garbage lefton street, bottle, peace of broken glass etc... This feeling too subsided since i started with the insight meditation practice. Im learning to objectify the mind state and observe it until it passes away. At times it is just overwhelming that i even change direction and skip into another street.
Im not suicidal but i always kept a hand granade during the war for myself in case i get captured by the extremist para-troops which were known for slaughtering soldiers and civilisns. I was in the regular army. I am not suicidal but i also dont look forward to life.
For long time i would have to know exactly where my shows and clothes are before going to bed, especially shoes in case of fire or some sort of emergency you must know where your shoes are. I could always find my shoes even in total darkness.
I never realy thought that im suffering from this PTSD until yesterday after i saw themovie on DVD called Black Hawk Down. I cried and after the movie i suddenly looked up PTSD on you tube and found the documentary called Wartorn and Broken Heroes. I watched the videos and i wept ... And i watched more and i wept more ... I even cry now as i write this... I didnt know im so weak. And so many out there are suffering so much ... Its overwhelming.
I dont know if i have this PTSD but i could see myself in their stories and today i called my doc and got apointment for the 25th November. My wife did ask me many times to go to the shrink but i refused saying that im totaly normal. Maybe im not ... She said so many times how much she loves the carrying and loving man in me which shows up only in short intervals and how scared she feels most of the time from the angry me.
Im sorry for writting so much. Thank you for being here.
May we all be happy and at peace
p.s. At this time my dog started barking for no aparent reason and he freaks me out. I threw him yesterday at the sofa. Im afraid that next time i might loose it and maybe harm him actualy. I must see the shrink i see that now.
