Hi - Witnessed Many Traumatic Events

[cellardoor]

Hello everyone. I'm not really sure how to make this introduction, so I guess I'll just start from the beginning. I hope I'm doing this right.

For as long as I can remember, I've had major sleeping problems. It takes me hours to fall asleep, and when I do fall asleep it only last about an hour because I wake up from horrific nightmares. I'm 22, and my first memories of this begin when I was 6. I can still remember the nightmares I had when i was younger. They are a lot more violent and terrifying these days. Sometimes I wake up not able to breathe, and I feel like I've been screaming. I also scratch myself in my sleep. I have to keep my fingernails trimmed really short so I don't hurt myself. There are little scars on my thighs and chest from this. Over-the-counter sleep aids never helped me. One time I took Ambien, and it caused me to hallucinate, so I swore off prescribed sleeping meds at that point. I also followed the guidelines for healthy sleeping: not eating or drinking late at night, using the bed only for sleeping, etc. Nothing helped me. I've been dealing with this for so long. I'm so tired, and I can't function. I just want to sleep. I finally went to my doctor about it today. I was not expecting to hear what he told me.

He asked if I've ever been physically abused or raped. I replied I had not experienced those types of events and was curious to know why he asked. He then said I have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. He told me that a person can also develop PTSD from witnessing traumatic events. My heart dropped. All the horrible memories from the past 16 years started flooding my head.

No, I have never been physically abused or raped. But I don't even want to think about the things I have witnessed and been exposed to over the years. I don't know how to talk about it right now. I didn't exactly grow up in a healthy atmosphere. There was a lot of physical and emotional abuse among my family members, and while I was never physically abused, I did receive a lot of emotional trauma from them.

I left the doctor's office with my head spinning and my heart pounding. I didn't want to think about these things today, or any day. He gave me a prescription to help me sleep. He assured me it won't make me hallucinate. I'm a little nervous about taking it, but I'm so tired that I'll try it tonight.

Even though I'm overwhelmed with horrible memories and I can't stop crying, things are starting to make sense. My violent outbursts, detachment from friends and family, avoiding the towns and houses that remind me of certain events, refusing to be close with new people, drinking alcohol until I blacked out... I've spent the past few months trying to overcome these things. I never really understood why I acted that way, but a few months ago I finally realized that I needed to change my behaviors. I was headed down a horrible path of destruction. I did so many things that I regret. I needed to change. Now it all makes sense.

On top of my family issues, I had a miscarriage 2 months ago, which has made things so much worse for me. And then my job fired me for being absent when I had the miscarriage. They wouldn't accept the notes from my doctors and hospital. Immediately I went into a deep depression for a few weeks. I started to feel better recently and have been working toward getting my life on track. But yesterday I reverted; I was angry and upset. I didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. Yesterday marked 2 months since the miscarriage, and I just wanted to disappear.

So now what? Do I just take the medication, go to sleep, and everything will be better? All the memories I've been suppressing are rushing at me. I feel like I was better off pushing them out of my mind. I'm so lost. I don't know how to deal with this, and I'm not sure that I want to. There's just so much.

 

[2quilt]

Welcome to this forum! You have been through a hell of alot lately, so be gentle with yourself. You may be able to go to the state employment commission and file a complaint letter against your former employer for firing you the way they did. Maybe you can get unemployment payments; what they did to you was cruel.
I hope you sleep well tonight.
You have come to the right website!

 

[Murphy's Law]

I agree with 2quilt. Horrible what they did, and I am sure there is something you can do about it. Here in Canada we have labour laws. I think here it is under Human RIghts. Not sure where you are sending from.
As for the rest, take the med and get your sleep. Without sleep it is really hard to see things rationally. It doesnt mean you will be on it forever, just until you can find a better strategy.
Did your doc talk about depression or a therapist? A good therapist is worth his weight in gold, in my opinion. He can help with sleep, depression, and all those demons that torment you in your sleep. Its not easy or simple, and there will probably still be rough spots, but in my experience its a good place to start.
Stay strong!

 

[Awakening]

I am really sorry to hear about your miscarriage, I had one too. It's an awful experience.

 

[cellardoor]

Thank you for all your kind responses.

About my job, it's an interesting situation because I live in Georgia and worked in South Carolina for the federal government. I tried to seek unemployment, but apparently I didn't make enough money last year to be eligible for unemployment. I didn't even know that was possible. People are telling me to sue them for damages, but I don't have money for a lawyer. Plus my case is against the federal government, so I doubt I would get anywhere.

I started seeing a therapist a couple of months ago to help me deal with the miscarriage. I have always avoided talking about any other aspect of my life, so I guess it's time to bring up these issues.

 

[upstream]

I didn't exactly grow up in a healthy atmosphere. There was a lot of physical and emotional abuse among my family members, and while I was never physically abused, I did receive a lot of emotional trauma from them.

"Seeing someone else be abused is called vicarious abuse, and it is just as painful, hurtful and harmful as other kinds of abuse."
~Adult children: the secrets of dysfunctional families By John C. Friel, Linda D. Friel

I recommend that book, I believe it has the potential to be just as helpful for you as it was for me.

Welcome to the forum!

 

[cellardoor]

I recommend that book, I believe it has the potential to be just as helpful for you as it was for me.

Welcome to the forum!

Thank you. I just read a few reviews on that book, and it seems like it would be helpful for me. Thanks for the suggestion. I'll give it a try.

 

[sunnydaze]

cellardoor,
I feel bad you lost your baby. I have lost 2. I after approx. 35 years still dream of the one I held in my hand. The only advise, I can give you is they say sometimes it is a way your body disposes of it due to major defects. I know when I was unaware of being pregnant, I drank alot and do feel guilty till this day that it could have been me.
You need to help yourself by getting well through meds docs ect if necessary. I have had insomnia for many years and am now taking 3 different meds and finally getting a normal nights sleep. I wish you well, without sleep it is hard to function.
I do know in the U.S. one can try getting an attorney that if they feel you have a good case may take it w/o charge till you win. You most likely can use the PTSD diagnosis you recently received as a disability issue and with losing the baby it affected you much more than losing your job that you feel you were discriminated and unjustly terminated. One can still work and go with the disability issue.:eek:

 

[moonmaiden]

I'm so sorry things are so tough for you right now. I think that over time, we our bodies and our minds just "push" and "push" us until we finally settle down and deal with the real problems.
One thing that is helping me a lot is my A.C.O.A. group. (Adult Children of Alcoholics (or other dysfunctions). They have become the siblings I never had. I suggest you look into such a group - it can't hurt to try and they will really understand what you've been through. You can participate in sharing your story as little or as much as you want/need. Nobody will pressure you. Sometimes I just listen - it helps me just as much as talking.

Another I wonder when I read your story - is it possible that you have a sleep disorder in which you are between two different levels of sleep? i.e., still dreaming while your body is staring to wake up. I've heard of that "overlapping" effect and how scary it can be for people.

Hang in there, darlin'

moonmaiden (Patricia)