severesurvivor
New Here
My first ever post, not sure what I'm hoping to gain from this. I'm 31 now, sober and needing support.
I was born to an abusive alcoholic father, he had always been abusive towards my mother. Distinctive memories include my parents getting into arguments and my father's temper flaring so wildly that he put her in a chokehold multiple times, threatening her life. My mother left on my 5th birthday, wanting to take me with her but my father threatened to kidnap me and run to another state if she tried to take me away from him. My father continued to drink, blaming me for my mother leaving, telling me she didn't love me. His anger turned towards me when he was drunk, I suffered many bruises, hiding them when I went to school.
My father abused me almost daily, either emotionally/mentally or physically, which all turned into sexual abuse when he was black out drunk. The first time I was sexually abused, I was 8 and I blocked out that memory for so long. It wasn't until I was 13 when my mom got a lawyer and fought for custody of me. I had to take the stand in court and explain some of the abuse, I had not processed enough to fully detail everything that happened, but enough to get my mom custody of me. Looking back now, if I had been able to describe everything then, my father probably would have went to prison.
My mother put me in therapy when she got custody of me, trying her hardest to get me help for the things I suffered through. Ever since I was 5, I have struggled a lot with depression and anxiety. I never really opened up about my trauma, mostly just listened to therapists about coping mechanisms and taking antidepressants. When I was 17, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lukemia (AML) and she was not able to continue to take care of me. I was forced to go back to living with my father, who seemed really resentful of my mom for having gotten custody of me for the past 4 years.
My mom passed after being put in hospice when I was 18, and I turned to cannabis to try to self-medicate as my father never took me to therapy or get my antidepressants. My father kicked me out shortly after my mom passed, so I went to stay with some high school friends. I tried to continue to live in my hometown, working dead-end jobs until I was 23, becoming so depressed that I packed up all my stuff from my friends house and moved 800+ miles away, moving in with a friend I made online. I continued to smoke weed, as it was the only thing I had felt like remotely helped me forget the trauma. I ended up marrying the friend I moved in with, providing a life for both of us as I worked 2 jobs and that allowed for my partner to quit their job and go to college.
As things got harder to deal with, my partner chose to cheat, and ended up pregnant by the person they cheated with. We went through a divorce as that is what they wanted. After the divorce, I was 27, I felt completely alone and broken, and made the choice to move back to my hometown. My father took me back in, but going back to my abuser was the worst decision I have ever made as he never stopped drinking. 9 years to the day of my mother's passing, my father got drunk and started yelling at me. It got so heated that he jumped on me while I sitting on the couch, looked me in my eyes and said "I'm going to kill you," and tried to strangle me.
I fought him off and ran, grabbing a few of my things before leaving the house and becoming homeless. Between staying on an old friends couch and staying at the Salvation Army, I managed to get a job and a car, trying to rebuild my life again. I continued smoking weed, trying to manage major depressive disorder, PTSD, anxiety/panic attacks, bipolar disorder.
Last year I fell even further into depression, writing suicide notes, feeling like I was destined to end my suffering. Back in January, I gave away all of my stuff, took my car out for one last drive and ended up crashing it trying to kill myself. I spent 2 weeks in a mental hospital and stopped smoking weed.
I've been staying at a "sober living" halfway house, without any support from anyone. I've been going to therapy, one hour a month, not much help. Since I quit smoking weed, I've had a hard time sleeping, having ptsd nightmares multiple times a week, causing me to disassociate and feel completely disconnected from the reality of my progress.
I've lost all my friends, all sense of purpose, no family to rely on, processing years of trauma that I feel like I'll never heal from. I tried to get into a housing program, but was told I am "too high functioning" for their assistance, basically their way of saying "get another job". I'm honestly exhausted from working 40 hours a week at the job I have now, trying to maintain soberiety and managing my mental health.
I'm not sure exactly why I'm posting this, but it does feel a little better to have typed all of that out, and if anyone takes the time to read and respond, I would appreciate feeling heard and seen.
I was born to an abusive alcoholic father, he had always been abusive towards my mother. Distinctive memories include my parents getting into arguments and my father's temper flaring so wildly that he put her in a chokehold multiple times, threatening her life. My mother left on my 5th birthday, wanting to take me with her but my father threatened to kidnap me and run to another state if she tried to take me away from him. My father continued to drink, blaming me for my mother leaving, telling me she didn't love me. His anger turned towards me when he was drunk, I suffered many bruises, hiding them when I went to school.
My father abused me almost daily, either emotionally/mentally or physically, which all turned into sexual abuse when he was black out drunk. The first time I was sexually abused, I was 8 and I blocked out that memory for so long. It wasn't until I was 13 when my mom got a lawyer and fought for custody of me. I had to take the stand in court and explain some of the abuse, I had not processed enough to fully detail everything that happened, but enough to get my mom custody of me. Looking back now, if I had been able to describe everything then, my father probably would have went to prison.
My mother put me in therapy when she got custody of me, trying her hardest to get me help for the things I suffered through. Ever since I was 5, I have struggled a lot with depression and anxiety. I never really opened up about my trauma, mostly just listened to therapists about coping mechanisms and taking antidepressants. When I was 17, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lukemia (AML) and she was not able to continue to take care of me. I was forced to go back to living with my father, who seemed really resentful of my mom for having gotten custody of me for the past 4 years.
My mom passed after being put in hospice when I was 18, and I turned to cannabis to try to self-medicate as my father never took me to therapy or get my antidepressants. My father kicked me out shortly after my mom passed, so I went to stay with some high school friends. I tried to continue to live in my hometown, working dead-end jobs until I was 23, becoming so depressed that I packed up all my stuff from my friends house and moved 800+ miles away, moving in with a friend I made online. I continued to smoke weed, as it was the only thing I had felt like remotely helped me forget the trauma. I ended up marrying the friend I moved in with, providing a life for both of us as I worked 2 jobs and that allowed for my partner to quit their job and go to college.
As things got harder to deal with, my partner chose to cheat, and ended up pregnant by the person they cheated with. We went through a divorce as that is what they wanted. After the divorce, I was 27, I felt completely alone and broken, and made the choice to move back to my hometown. My father took me back in, but going back to my abuser was the worst decision I have ever made as he never stopped drinking. 9 years to the day of my mother's passing, my father got drunk and started yelling at me. It got so heated that he jumped on me while I sitting on the couch, looked me in my eyes and said "I'm going to kill you," and tried to strangle me.
I fought him off and ran, grabbing a few of my things before leaving the house and becoming homeless. Between staying on an old friends couch and staying at the Salvation Army, I managed to get a job and a car, trying to rebuild my life again. I continued smoking weed, trying to manage major depressive disorder, PTSD, anxiety/panic attacks, bipolar disorder.
Last year I fell even further into depression, writing suicide notes, feeling like I was destined to end my suffering. Back in January, I gave away all of my stuff, took my car out for one last drive and ended up crashing it trying to kill myself. I spent 2 weeks in a mental hospital and stopped smoking weed.
I've been staying at a "sober living" halfway house, without any support from anyone. I've been going to therapy, one hour a month, not much help. Since I quit smoking weed, I've had a hard time sleeping, having ptsd nightmares multiple times a week, causing me to disassociate and feel completely disconnected from the reality of my progress.
I've lost all my friends, all sense of purpose, no family to rely on, processing years of trauma that I feel like I'll never heal from. I tried to get into a housing program, but was told I am "too high functioning" for their assistance, basically their way of saying "get another job". I'm honestly exhausted from working 40 hours a week at the job I have now, trying to maintain soberiety and managing my mental health.
I'm not sure exactly why I'm posting this, but it does feel a little better to have typed all of that out, and if anyone takes the time to read and respond, I would appreciate feeling heard and seen.
