I realize that the title of this thread is overly dramatic, but for now, it seems to be the only logical way I can describe what is happening to me.
I am in my twenties, and I have always been lost, flailing you could say, from country to country, job to job, relationship to relationship. I am married now, but continually in fear of ruining it.
I have always known that their was something wrong with me, that I was different and distorted. I find it impossible to sustain friendships of any kind, I am obsessively paranoid, a self mutilator, and hypervigilant.
All I have ever wanted is to be normal, to have friends and a family who care about me but I cannot function like a normal person no matter how hard I try, sometimes I get close but I get thrown back into deep depression and consider suicide just so that all of this shit will STOP and everything will be quiet and peaceful.
I have always known I am like this because my father was physically and emotionally abusive but I am sure other people have seen much worse, so I should be able to get over it. No matter how hard I try I can't.
I have seen a psychotherapist once and a counselor once, but I am so paranoid I can't manage to make myself go back after the initial session. I have nightmares about men hurting me and not being able to fight back, about people telling me I am wrong and a liar. I have hand tremors, constant back aches, and chest pains that I have seen a doctor about but to no avail.
All of this I have been able to handle but recently something happened that I cannot.
I was visiting my family for the holidays and we all went to a concert. I dressed up in a short dress because I'm a young women and... I like to look nice, I like clothes. There is nothing wrong with that. Anyway, Late in the night I was standing listening to the band when someone came up behind me and put a hand on my back, the hand moved lower and lower until the hand was cupping the bottom of my butt, I realized I was being groped and moved away. The next day I got the flu and my father left town a day early to go to the town where he works.
When I got back home I went back to school but all of my issues were worse, I couldn't focus on anything, or function at all. I got sick again, but my back would not stop aching. I had a fever and flu symptoms and I felt like I was going crazy. I had realized the man who groped me was my father. I don't know what to do or think. I know that he would be capable of this, I have seen how awful people, especially him, can be, but it adds a whole other layer of shit onto the pile. I don't think I was ever sexually abused, but now, I don't know. I have recently read Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery" and believe I have CPTSD but what do I do?
I can't tell my family, they think everything my father does is wonderful (he has even spoken out about the abuse of my cousin) and they think I am an alcoholic slut. I believe that he would kill me if he found out I told someone, even now I am worried he will see this. He told me once that he could hurt me in ways that no one else can see, and he has, irrevocably.
I am sorry this is so long, but what ever you can say if you have had a similar experience, please say it.
I am in my twenties, and I have always been lost, flailing you could say, from country to country, job to job, relationship to relationship. I am married now, but continually in fear of ruining it.
I have always known that their was something wrong with me, that I was different and distorted. I find it impossible to sustain friendships of any kind, I am obsessively paranoid, a self mutilator, and hypervigilant.
All I have ever wanted is to be normal, to have friends and a family who care about me but I cannot function like a normal person no matter how hard I try, sometimes I get close but I get thrown back into deep depression and consider suicide just so that all of this shit will STOP and everything will be quiet and peaceful.
I have always known I am like this because my father was physically and emotionally abusive but I am sure other people have seen much worse, so I should be able to get over it. No matter how hard I try I can't.
I have seen a psychotherapist once and a counselor once, but I am so paranoid I can't manage to make myself go back after the initial session. I have nightmares about men hurting me and not being able to fight back, about people telling me I am wrong and a liar. I have hand tremors, constant back aches, and chest pains that I have seen a doctor about but to no avail.
All of this I have been able to handle but recently something happened that I cannot.
I was visiting my family for the holidays and we all went to a concert. I dressed up in a short dress because I'm a young women and... I like to look nice, I like clothes. There is nothing wrong with that. Anyway, Late in the night I was standing listening to the band when someone came up behind me and put a hand on my back, the hand moved lower and lower until the hand was cupping the bottom of my butt, I realized I was being groped and moved away. The next day I got the flu and my father left town a day early to go to the town where he works.
When I got back home I went back to school but all of my issues were worse, I couldn't focus on anything, or function at all. I got sick again, but my back would not stop aching. I had a fever and flu symptoms and I felt like I was going crazy. I had realized the man who groped me was my father. I don't know what to do or think. I know that he would be capable of this, I have seen how awful people, especially him, can be, but it adds a whole other layer of shit onto the pile. I don't think I was ever sexually abused, but now, I don't know. I have recently read Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery" and believe I have CPTSD but what do I do?
I can't tell my family, they think everything my father does is wonderful (he has even spoken out about the abuse of my cousin) and they think I am an alcoholic slut. I believe that he would kill me if he found out I told someone, even now I am worried he will see this. He told me once that he could hurt me in ways that no one else can see, and he has, irrevocably.
I am sorry this is so long, but what ever you can say if you have had a similar experience, please say it.
