Hi

[Universal Truths]

I really dislike the whole introduction process but since it is somewhat of a requirement I will do my best to talk about someone I hardly know anymore, myself. My name is Rachel, I am 30, a mother of 2 girls, and a wife to a husband who is also struggling with PTSD. I served 10 years in the Army with a deployment to Iraq 03-04. It honestly was a life changing experience but back then I had no clue how much life changing was involved. In 2009 I decided I had enough and wanted to concentrate on my girls so I became a stay at home mom. When I got out I lost all forms of structure and slowly started to spin out of control, this doesn't make for very good parenting but I am doing the best I can with what I got and they are still alive. I just hope I don't screw them up to much. I have never opened up to anyone about the deployment, how I felt, seen, nothing. I just kept swallowing this pill down further and further and it manifested itself into something numb and bitter. I use to be a social butterfly and now I have no one besides my husband and girls. I live 1500 miles from home and lost contact of most of my family. I haven't even been to VA yet because I know they are going to want me to talk about things I haven't talked about before. My husband being a combat vet deals with his PTSD by drinking excessive amounts of alcohol and always wanting to talk about his experience, I try to be supportive but it causes that pill I have been swallowing for years to come up and it puts me in a bad place in my head. He is supportive of me as well and has been pushing me to go to VA but honestly I am not ready but if I keep waiting I may never be ready and if it keeps getting worse I hate to see me even a year from now. I am at the end of my rope and I can't hang on much longer to what little sanity I have left. I am sorry if this is a bit short on info but I am a pretty reclusive person and takes me awhile to open up. So I guess I am just here because I have no one else and something has to change.

 

[Spock]

You did fine Rachel & welcome to the forum.
You'll find your story repeated here with many of us, your battle buddies. Hopefully you will also find some of the camaraderie you're missing from the military. It seems you haven't tried to seek treatment so I hope you find resources here to help you start moving forward with the overwhelming challenges of PTSD. My focus on my children kept me from jumping off the cliff.

Stay safe, stay strong

 

[Ned]

It's OK. I think you will be well listened to here. And that helps enormously. What your hubby is doing is the DS solution but his advice isn't bad. Maybe read around this site a bit, see the depth of info there is, then decide how you want to play it. In the meantime, ask away, there are a lot of, well, 'tribal elders' here who understand and will listen, and offer advice.
Welcome ad all the best UT.

 

[Jimmy1]

Good morning UT, firstly welcome to the forum, hope we can help. Secondly, you have obviously read my post and know the introduction process is not mandatory, it's an unwritten rule and courtesy. You don't get help from total strangers, so and introduction is not a lot to give.

On a personal note you sound like a very strong person to be able to handle your own beast as well as deal with the children and your husband talking about his experiences. You learn early on that stress is one of the key factors in bringing out the beast in all of us. My wife could not handle my rants and left and I had to raise my son on my own, well he was my carer in the first couple of years from the age of nine. My family was thousands of kilometers away too.

The one bit of advice I will offer is that you go and seek help yourself. You don't necessarily have to go to the VA, but if you go there it will cost you nothing, but with a little medication and therapy, you might not even realise that pill is there some of the time. It's hard work though, and you will need the support of everyone which I am sure you will have. Or else you can go to the VA, it's your choice.

In the meantime, there is another young lady who is a member of the site 'Need an Oasis' is her handle, you could send her a message. She discharged and has followed her husband around who also serves.

You could also read the following articles which may help.

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And this old but good video.

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Feel free to PM me anytime.

Jimmy

 

[JarHed]

Hey UT

Welcome to the forums. Sorry to hear of your situation. Good people here and a ton of info. Seeking out more info and wanting to do something to make your situation better are great steps in the right direction.

JarHed

 

[reddevil1111]

welcome UT.

 

[Sarg]

O.K., UT. Welcome! First thing is baby steps. Don't try to take this thing on in one big chunk. And yes, do seek counseling. You work at your own pace and with what makes you comfortable. I recommend the Vet Centers very much. I understand they are taking on more lady counselors from your time frame, so they might empathize better.

Take it from one who crammed it down deep inside, poured massive amounts of alcohol over it and let it fester for a long time...it will leave you hollow. You have to get that poison out for you to be the mother and wife you want to be. Might see if you can get hubby to go along with you, ( living in an entirely glass house) I won't go into the alcohol.

Sarg

 

[Chin Strapped]

Evening UT, sounds lke you've been one strong person for your kids. I wish you well.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

UT,

I'm new here too, only been on site for a few days. But, I definately like what I see. These are good people who truly care.

You've taken the first steps that Sarg talked about. KEEP TAKING THEM!! It's a long process, and takes lots of time and effort, but there's lots of good left in this world. Those "baby steps" will get you to it.

Sleeping Dragon

 

[jackrabbit]

Welcome, Rachel.

Glad you found us and have decided to open up. I've only been on the site a few weeks and it's already helped me immensely.

I promise that if you hang out, share what you need to, and let yourself feel supported, you'll get a helluva lot out of it.

Your kids are lucky to have a mom that is both as strong and that cares as much as you do.

Jack

 

[Zipperhead]

Morning Truth. All the details are there. No need to apologise for lack of detail. 10 years in US Military. Iraq 03. Not presently getting treatments. Now get reading.

 

[Universal Truths]

Thank you all for the advice and support, honestly it was a bit overwhelming so it took me awhile to respond. I have been looking around the site and even tho I knew all along I wasn't the only one struggling with this, somehow it almost felt like I was. I miss the feeling of being alive, just because I am breathing doesn't mean I'm living and this isn't the way to live a life. The realization that I need help is like slamming into a brick wall and I can't help but feel weak minded. I'm not here looking for sorrow or pity just guidance through this unknown journey that terrifies me. The only real release I have is music I have been playing the piano for years, it's a good distraction but only last until my fingers are numb but I'm grateful for it. I just hope there is a day that I don't dread getting out of bed but be excited to live. Once again thanks for the responses, your kindness and not being judge mental.