Well, this past weekend I was off my meds and totally flipped out a bit... well a lot I guess. Mostly internal only but I finally pulled myself together after taking some meds and stopping my chocolate binge/not eating from feeling sick. I haven't been taking these specific meds long (a month) but I noticed it makes it easier to talk about things without having a panic attack or mental shut down so I was talking to my husband about how his expectations of intimacy between us sort of gets to me and makes something I already don't really care for (being touched) seem even less appealing. Basically he says that being physically intimate is a "stress relief" for him, which really pisses me off even if he says he finds me attractive because he loves me. But yeah I always get furious because he literally will say it's one of few things in life that he looks forward to because he hates his job, etc. So anyways I finally was able to talk about how I hate his attitude about sex because sex = labor or abortion to me, both which involve doctors touching me/invading my body. Basically I feel like he's basing his life's happiness or at least a good portion of it on my willingness to be intimate or not, which makes me feel extremely guilty when I say no but still doesn't make we want to say yes. Anyways he finally admitted that his behavior was also causing our lack of intimacy and we've maybe made progress but that isn't really what I wanted to discuss, I just wanted to sort of explain how I came to the main point.
So today while I was cleaning up I felt pretty good about it because I also did a little cleaning up here and there yesterday and I was happy that I was doing something and happy that I felt good about doing it for some reason. I was thinking about the reasons I hate doing the things like cleaning even though I actually really really love it when things are not messy. I thought that maybe I was having expectations of my husband and maybe what I was doing wasn't that much different from how he acted. I mean, I think it's normal for those of us who had some kind of neglect as kids especially to want to be praised. Personally when I think about it I've probably spent most of my life hoping or wanting people to praise me. So it's like when I do something that I think of as "work" it's as if I'm doing it expecting to be praised without realizing it. When I think about it, I tend to gravitate towards tasks or chores which I think would help people or be useful rather than doing the tasks I was asked or assigned. So it seems like maybe I'm also relying on my husband to praise me for doing things and trying to achieve some happiness by relying on him. So today I thought that I should probably change my attitude when doing things and consciously realize that I shouldn't expect praise from others, I should instead do it because honestly it does make me feel good to do things even when I'm not praised. I think that the disappointment from not being praised might have been overwhelming my feelings of satisfaction in accomplishing something. It's like I get disappointed if I do something and someone doesn't look like they're happy I did it. I think that is not really fair to the other person either now that I think about it like this. I don't know if I can applying this to other areas than just when I'm cleaning around the house and stuff but I think it might help if I keep it in mind. It seems like even though it's something that should be obvious, I only just realized now how it applies to the things I do.
I just wanted to share this because somehow, even though I never would have thought of myself as having "unrealistic expectations" it might be something like that. Rather than calling it unrealistic maybe it would be better to say "misplaced" since I didn't feel like I was praised enough as a kid. I don't know that this is really something that is specific to ptsd but since many of us experienced some type of emotional abuse or damage I thought maybe someone else would gain something from me sharing my thoughts. Hopefully I won't forget my own thoughts on the matter later or when I get depressed again.
So today while I was cleaning up I felt pretty good about it because I also did a little cleaning up here and there yesterday and I was happy that I was doing something and happy that I felt good about doing it for some reason. I was thinking about the reasons I hate doing the things like cleaning even though I actually really really love it when things are not messy. I thought that maybe I was having expectations of my husband and maybe what I was doing wasn't that much different from how he acted. I mean, I think it's normal for those of us who had some kind of neglect as kids especially to want to be praised. Personally when I think about it I've probably spent most of my life hoping or wanting people to praise me. So it's like when I do something that I think of as "work" it's as if I'm doing it expecting to be praised without realizing it. When I think about it, I tend to gravitate towards tasks or chores which I think would help people or be useful rather than doing the tasks I was asked or assigned. So it seems like maybe I'm also relying on my husband to praise me for doing things and trying to achieve some happiness by relying on him. So today I thought that I should probably change my attitude when doing things and consciously realize that I shouldn't expect praise from others, I should instead do it because honestly it does make me feel good to do things even when I'm not praised. I think that the disappointment from not being praised might have been overwhelming my feelings of satisfaction in accomplishing something. It's like I get disappointed if I do something and someone doesn't look like they're happy I did it. I think that is not really fair to the other person either now that I think about it like this. I don't know if I can applying this to other areas than just when I'm cleaning around the house and stuff but I think it might help if I keep it in mind. It seems like even though it's something that should be obvious, I only just realized now how it applies to the things I do.
I just wanted to share this because somehow, even though I never would have thought of myself as having "unrealistic expectations" it might be something like that. Rather than calling it unrealistic maybe it would be better to say "misplaced" since I didn't feel like I was praised enough as a kid. I don't know that this is really something that is specific to ptsd but since many of us experienced some type of emotional abuse or damage I thought maybe someone else would gain something from me sharing my thoughts. Hopefully I won't forget my own thoughts on the matter later or when I get depressed again.
