So after making it into rebel-controlled territory, I have been denied accreditation to work as a journalist here. I was told I could stay here -- I just can't work. But after informing my bosses of the situation, I have gotten a series of frantic phone calls telling me to get the hell out of here immediately. "Why?" I asked, "They said i have the right to stay here."
My boss: "Because if the rebels stop you on the street and realize you have no accreditation they will throw you into the basement and force you into slave labor."
"How do you know this?"
"Because a close friend of mine was in the same situation and was held for two months in a basement. They forced him to do slave labor, then to steal cars."
WTF?!
So here I am, advised to stay indoors and not venture out into the city. The city is mostly calm but there are explosions in the distance every hour or so.
Despite the fact that I sat around and chatted with the rebels yesterday and they were very nice to me, I am warned that they might be tracking me. Don't know how much of this is true and how much is just hysteria from people who have heard too many horror stories. Oddly, I'm not scared at all. If they want to find me, so be it.
During the past two days holed up here, i have realized that I'm just not afraid of anything anymore. I think that many of those on here who warned me that my decision to come here was motivated by PTSD were right -- at least partly. I'm not suicidal in any way but even when I've been shot at here and had drunken soldiers pointing a gun in my face, I've felt nothing. I didn't even flinch. I just thought, "Well, if they want to kill me, so be it. That's their problem." Part of that, I think, is finally realizing that I'm doing something meaningful, and so maybe it's worth the risk. But another part of it is just feeling like I'm not normal anymore, that I belong closer to death than among normal people who love and are loved and are capable of warmth. Does this minimize what I'm doing? I don't know. If part of this was motivated by PTSD, does that really change anything if I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing? That I don't know either.
My boss: "Because if the rebels stop you on the street and realize you have no accreditation they will throw you into the basement and force you into slave labor."
"How do you know this?"
"Because a close friend of mine was in the same situation and was held for two months in a basement. They forced him to do slave labor, then to steal cars."
WTF?!
So here I am, advised to stay indoors and not venture out into the city. The city is mostly calm but there are explosions in the distance every hour or so.
Despite the fact that I sat around and chatted with the rebels yesterday and they were very nice to me, I am warned that they might be tracking me. Don't know how much of this is true and how much is just hysteria from people who have heard too many horror stories. Oddly, I'm not scared at all. If they want to find me, so be it.
During the past two days holed up here, i have realized that I'm just not afraid of anything anymore. I think that many of those on here who warned me that my decision to come here was motivated by PTSD were right -- at least partly. I'm not suicidal in any way but even when I've been shot at here and had drunken soldiers pointing a gun in my face, I've felt nothing. I didn't even flinch. I just thought, "Well, if they want to kill me, so be it. That's their problem." Part of that, I think, is finally realizing that I'm doing something meaningful, and so maybe it's worth the risk. But another part of it is just feeling like I'm not normal anymore, that I belong closer to death than among normal people who love and are loved and are capable of warmth. Does this minimize what I'm doing? I don't know. If part of this was motivated by PTSD, does that really change anything if I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing? That I don't know either.
