High anxiety, self harm, scared

[soulsearcher]

Where shall I start? For the past couple of weeks I have been suffering from high anxiety and panic attacks. Sleeping, and eating are really not existent to me right now. I keep forcing myself to keep going with work and family life. Yesterday for the first time in a very long time I did self harm, it did shift the anxiety for about 20 minutes but now I am very ashamed and scared. I should probably tell my t but I am afraid that I will be admitted to the hospital, not to mention what hell it would put my kids through. I really don't want to go there.

I guess my question to you readers is where do I go from here? Should I tell my t or should I just look at it as a mistake, hopefully not to be done again?

And if you think I need to tell my t, are they obligated to report it?

I feel like I am on a downward spiral and would appreciate advise.

 

[Leanne1]

I think they are obligated to report situations where someone is a danger to others, or themselves. If you aren't saying, " I am going to hurt myself" I don't think she has to report it.

I would talk to her about the urge to hurt yourself.

I spoke with my T about it, and mentioned times when I carried through with the thoughts. She had helped me understand why I do it, and helped me with other ways to deal with the stress.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I am sorry to know how much you're suffering right now. I have a history of self harming and it has been my experience that my therapist gives it no attention. Not even curious. However, the therapy sessions following episodes are about revisiting safety. This includes recognizing when my anxiety increases, my appetite decreases and my compulsive urges dominate my thoughts as a way of getting my mind off the fear I'm full of.

So it's back to the basics. Mindfulness-am I in emotion mind too much and not enough in rational mind? Grounding-getting my thoughts in the here and now- no time traveling to the past. Distraction-activities that reboot my brain so my body can calm down.

I recently downloaded an app of guided relaxation. I've been listening to it daily to see if I can get better at choosing healthy coping mechanisms, even though a cut is instant relief.

I haven't had EMDR yet because I fail at all the listed above skills. My therapist uses discs that you hold in your hands that stimulate right and left hemispheres. I asked him to at least let me feel the sensation. He let me and it was instant calm- I mean as good as cutting! So now if I'm super wound up one of the things that helps is to get an ice cube and move it quickly from one hand to the other. Frankly, just trying not to drop it takes my mind off my distress.

I always send an email SOS to my therapist and he told me the other day that he can follow my processing from out of my mind anxious to naming my trigger and a return to calm. It takes three email messages. His usually are reminders for me to breathe and to ground.

I totally understand your concerns, and I hope you have as good a therapist as I who allows me to email him. He said PTSD symptoms don't follow a schedule like therapy visits do.

I hope you are feeling better by reaching out and we have to give ourselves a break. Our cutting is an adolescent response to unbearable pain. When we get a whiff of that we tend to revert back to old behavior. I've been fighting the urge for a couple of weeks. I am in the middle of medical tests that are distressing.

 

[littlelostchild]

@soulsearcher I am sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. When I was suicidal and self-harming, I did talk about it with my t. We discussed where it was coming from and better strategies to use. It is important for your t to know about how you are feeling and what you are doing to cope, so I really believe you should tell your t, especially since you say you feel like you are on a downward spiral.

Be gentle with yourself as you travel this path.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I went through and still am going through to some extent a period of self-harm. I was really scared to tell my therapist at first. Once I did, I was relieved. She explained self-harm to me and why it happens. We worked for months and months to find other coping skills to use in the moment.

When I was having suicidal thoughts, I was scared again to tell my therapist, but she was really great with it. She helped me to work through whether I was actually a danger to myself and she helped me come up with plans of what to do if I did get to that point. It was a relief to tell my therapist so that I could work through it with her and know that I had support. I hope you can find some ways to calm and that you find the right path for you with talking to your therapist.

 

[risingsun]

I feel like I am on a downward spiral and would appreciate advise.

I'm sorry you have been feeling this way soulsearcher. I can completely relate. I was on a bad downward spiral this summer, but am trying to work my way back. And I have had severe panic attacks so my heart goes out to you. I can empathize. They are scary and horrific.

By recognizing that you do not want to engage in SI, of which I can completely relate, means that you are already on an upward spiral back to 'you' and your authentic being. No shame. You were just trying to cope. Don't be hard on yourself.

Just because you engaged in SI for the first time in a while does not mean that you have taken any steps back. In fact, you've recognized that it does nothing but make you feel even that much worse. So now you know its not worth it in the long run. I know the feeling.

As for reporting it to your "T," I feel that if your relationship with your T is founded upon good trust, then processing this in therapy would not be a bad idea. My understanding is that as long as you do not pose a threat to yourself or others, I do not think they can hospitalize or report you. At least that is how it works in my country. Maybe this is something that you need clarified with your T so that you know how he/she operates. The more you know about how your T operates, the more you can trust and open up about these things. Although, if you get to the point where you feel like you need to be hospitalized, please reach out. There is no shame in it. Your kids need you to be well and strong.

I do hope that you have a good relationship with your T and can work all of this out. I also know the feeling of 'no hunger.' Do the best you can to work your appetite back up so that you do not become medically compromised with respect to eating. That happened to me and I ended up becoming hospitalized.

Also, if you are experiencing that much anxiety, maybe increase your T visits for a while. Or, see if you two can come to some sort of agreement with respect to calling/emailing/or texting after hours just until you can regain your sense of safety.

Best of luck to you soulsearcher. No need to feel badly about yourself. You are doing the best you can under the circumstances in which you find yourself. You sound like a caring and wonderful parent. Remember to take care of you as well which it sounds like you are already trying to do. You will come back from this. Keep the faith.

Warmest to you soulsearcher, Rising Sun.

 

[Underdog]

I believe they are obligated. My own T was so obligated to continually tell me to walk away from my job for a very, very long time before I did. It's a fine line, but to save someone it must be crossed occasionally.

So sorry to hear about this happening and I truly hope you find some peace! My own personal experience was and still is that I continually tell myself no more of this or that, then there I am doing it again. I don't know where you are in recovery, but I have learned to never trust myself when I saw I will not do XYZ again.

 

[soulsearcher]

Thank you for your responses. I copied and pasted this post for my t today, I was literally shaking and crying as I did it, worried what is going to happen next. Just my luck I find out that she was not working today! I am going to try my best not to worry about it over the weekend, but hey my nerves and anxiety are already maxed out. Just one day at a time is all I can seem to manage, and sometimes it is one hour at a time.

I really hope I have not messed things up for me and my kids!