History Of Suicide

[Tinyflame]

I realize that there will always be struggles, and sorrows, but being able to just live, start to enjoy things and life again, to be happy, and at peace, maybe even to dream, to have a sense of safety or security, gratitude, looking forward without so much fear, that takes SI mostly away.

 

[Girl3]

Still doing well. I felt depressed though today. Life feels like it's flying past me. I understand life is a gift and I feel like I've squandered time.

The feeling of your life having been wasted is the same feeling I have - all that I could have done and been, had I not had PTSD. It feels irretrievable. And it is the feeling I have to fight against daily.

Your daughter is right - the simple wonders of nature are healing. They bouy us up, as do our children.

But no one can talk us into feeling blessed. No therapist can talk us unto feeling better simply by directing us to feel better. In fact - I would wager either your therapist has some underlying trauma of her own and is choosing to ignore it and feel more powerful by directing others, or she's a narcissist. Narcissists love to tell others how to fix themselves. Think Lucy in the Charlie Brown comic.

As for your psychiatrist - I've had several that just pushed meds at me without hearing me. Including the one who made my PTSD diagnosis and I was paying him out of pocket since my insurance wouldn't. But my psychiatrist now - who does research - he wants me on as few drugs as possible. He wants me to work through my issues, not dissociate. It takes a lot of listening on his part which he then translates into actions for me to take. But we work as a team, not him bossing me around.

You sound like you are on the right path though. I hope you find strength here. Be well.

 

[Christian Price]

Yesterday was by far the worst; chest wound experience I've ever had. I felt 2 things that afternoon. The kinetic energy from the explosion. I felt someone put my chest in a hydraulic press and turned it on my 16 year old 130 pound frame and walked away. The second sensation that I noticed was the incredible heat from the round. It felt like someone removed a glowing poker from a fireplace and rammed into me until the handle was flush with my chest.

Typically I feel a tearing sensation through my body, in 25 years I've never felt the heat from the bullet until yesterday. Two days ago I just felt "depressed" for no reason. I'd been upbeat and joy filled; the bottom fell out. I noted it in my personal journal. The photosensitive eye issue bothered me as well yesterday. This morning I had the tremors. It subsided as the day went on though. I feel depressed, I know my history well. Life is kicking the snot out of me because of the economy. My work is squeezing me for more and more. I've been pulling troops typically held in reserve to mind the occupied zones <my past, everything that has anything to do with my suicide the 6 years of child abuse, the shooting, the stigma surrounding what I'd done> when these troops get pulled off their occupying duties. The indignant population gets restless and next thing there are riots. Problem is, I have all of my resources fighting the war in the front and there's nothing left to deal with the core issues. This is when in the past I start to shut down.

Last time I went through this: I was dealing with an ex who was in love with her coworker and left with him. I was in college fulltime and working fulltime. I kept this pace up for two years an one day, I felt this *pop* in my head. Pulled over on my way to school. Turned around and never looked back. 6 months latter, I was homeless. Life worked out I got a low stress job and slept for 2 years. I felt better. Picked myself up and met my wife whom is my greatest resource she tells me frequently she loves me and is very patient and help full. She is going back to work this fall our youngest will be in school. So this income will help reduce the stress and I can pull some resources back to the core. Then, next year I plan on taking a bold step and pursue writing fulltime and work at my own pace. It can be done. It's just trying to manage this fire burning in my head of depression and this PTSD issue. Continue with my counseling and unloading here. God bless and thank you for the kind words of encouragement.

 

[Tinyflame]

(((((CP)))), if that's ok.

 

[Christian Price]

Much better day. Spent time reflecting and fixing my attitude. No symptoms today, have an apointment this week with the councilor and a follow up with the doctor next week. Making long term plans for my own community outreach to try and go into schools; community events and set up a table etc. There was a monster that day, it came up from the bottom of the ocean and pulled me down into the deep. It let go of me long enough for me to get away from it. It never claimed my life, it rattles my cage with memories but that's all they are. The victory is mine and if I can save a few lives sharing my battle with it, that means it not only didn't take me but I've been able to take a few from it's jaws. Instead of 1 victory it would be 10x, 100x over.

 

[Christian Price]

What an amazing breakthrough. :) Imagine for a moment. Today you knew would be your last day. Part of the punishment dealt on deathrow is "What do you want for your final meal?" Your final sunrise, sunset or last time you speak with a person. On the day I shot myself my senses were overwhelmed. Smells, sounds, light, all of it were 100x stronger. My body was fighting me back, it didn't want to die. I could feel the air on my skin. I've never had a day like that sense or prior to that day. The air was so sweet.

No one ever talked to me about the day off prior to my shooting. When I hit the wall here a few weeks ago and went to the hospital. All of the unusual symptoms, were the same symptoms I had the day I shot myself 8,6, 4 and two hours before the shooting. When I started this journey, the memories were so vivid my body was reacting like it did on the 24th of January so many years ago. IMHO this is what was going on

 

[Christian Price]

Follow up with my doctor today. She shook my hand and told me she was proud of me. I'm making progress and am pleased to say I'm holding my first public speaking outreach in September in my city.

Also starting on a formal outreach over the next year. I've learned so much since I started my healing process. I never knew suicidal ideations became a drug to me. Like any addiction, it promises so much but fails to deliver and usually just takes. It promised me release, delivered my life into the mouth of a monster. Left me with lasting scars inside of me and across my body. It never brought peace, the final moment filled my mind with regret. Life is a gift, I've known many failures but I've always gotten back up. I've been blessed to know the love of my wife and wonderful embraces of my children. The door will open one day for me to share publicly about the lie of suicide and fight the monster; that took so much from me.

Have a blessed night.

 

[Srain]

CP, I spent time reading over what you had posted along with others yesterday morning and catching up on this thread. I was in another monstrous struggle with Suicidal Ideation and this time edging towards complete despair. I have lived with this most my life, however, since 2001 it has a very different type of battle than years before.

I never went through the aftermath that you describe, I was seriously enraged being pulled back from the brink in my younger years. My hatred for God and my understanding that I had to face life no matter what I did was more of an acceptance and surrender. I even found ways to fight for my life when another tried to take it but I never expected the battle rage inside me again as it does now.

Sorry for rambling but the reason I am is to explain that since I have lost my indifference to death I have this ongoing battle of "do it" "don't do it" that is 24/7 with a twist that had never been there. My tdoc explained it as a connecting to those around that I had previously not been able to do, I have ongoing dissociating/depersonalizing issues.

I really wanted to say that what you are sharing does help, it did help me anyway. As much as I couldn't connect my feelings with what you were describing about your child and that being your purpose, when mine called and I heard his laughter POOF! I connected, if only for a moment, and it was enough to build on the words I'd read, the knowledge and memories I have, bringing me out the other side once again.

Today is better.
Peace and healing thoughts,
Rain
Thank you.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess I should have had children(!) :inlove:

(((((Rain, CP))))

 

[Girl3]

CP - I want to thank you for your posts. I have taken care of many suicidal patients - anesthesiologists get called to intubate people who have nearly succeeded in killing themselves more frequently than you might guess. It is always difficult for me because I am looking at myself as it were.

Because of dissociation, I have a terrible time remembering anything about my near-misses. It was always the afterwards - the awful feeling of having screwed it up, the sore throat from having my stomach pumped, the IV sites that unexpectedly stung, the soreness of limbs having been tied down for hours without relief.

Your words are balm for me - I wish I could give you a hug and tell you what a good person you are.