Hit by a Car - I still can't quite figure out what about it upset me so.

[whiteraven]

Ok, so yesterday I was hit by a car in a parking lot while walking to the museum. I'm fine--just a bit sore. The lady just sort of tapped me; she didn't knock me down, but I guess I twisted a bit and put my hands on her trunk (like, I guess I thought I was going to stop the car LOL). She didn't get out or ask how I was, and I just recovered and moved on. But...

I was super upset. This museum has trails that circle around the parking lot, so I walked them and got somewhere relatively private where I could stop crying. I mean, it probably took me an hour to settle down. I wasn't going to go in the museum, but when I was coming back to the lot, I ran into my brother and niece--which was weird--and talked to them a bit, which helped.

I still can't quite figure out what about it upset me so. Any thoughts?

 

[Rose White]

She didn't get out or ask how I was

This is upsetting, even infuriating. I would be upset about someone hitting me, and if they didn’t acknowledge let alone apologize and check on me?

 

[Friday]

I had something of the exactly the same / completely different… equal & opposite… experience a few years back; in that it felt AMAZING when a car backing up downhill nearly ran me down.

Split second thing. I ended up jumping, and sliding down the passenger side door, and across the hood, to land on my feet. (I did not jump over the car, I just jumped high enough to be rolled over the top, instead of rolled under the body/wheels).

MASSIVE adrenaline surge, no thinking / just acting, and everything went… perfect.

Beautifully perfect.

Exquisitely perfect.

Feeling ALIVE, perfect.

I was riding that high all day long. Actually whistling/smiled/waved at the driver (who was freaking out; legit, they just hit someone with their car! Throw it in reverse, THUMP! And then a body rolls across their windshield, hood, and onto the street??? Yeah. Hopefully they’ll start looking behind them before backing out, and not back out at speed).

My whole next week? SUCKED. Miserable, suicidal, flashbacky, intrusive thoughts, no sleep, and why. the. f*ck. does the left side of my body hurt so damn much? I feel like I got hit by a… oh. Right. I did. (I actually forgot.) Well, that explains the bruise coving 20% of me from shoulder all the way down my back to my ankle.

Talked with my T about it the following week and he was like “Duh. Of course you had fun. You’re not only an adrenaline junkie, but you actually got to USE the surge of adrenaline to a purpose. It wasn’t just a panic attack, blasting you for no reason. Your body acted exactly as it was supposed to. The shitty week following? Is returning to the status quo. All kinds of amped up, and nowhere to go? Meltdown. Like, what did you usually do when comin back from a deployment or contract? Resume normal life without a hitch, or go blow off some steam, drinking/f*cking/fighting before your system calmed down? But now? You expect it to just magically be fine? Your homework = Go blow off some steam, or we’ll be having this conversation for the next month.”

 

[Friday]

Whoops. Posted before I was ready.

One of the things I’ve learned? Is that no matter how many different kinds of trauma I pile on, over the years… my head/heart… knee jerks into my FIRST trauma set, in the way that I react/respond to any new trauma, or even “just” a massive adrenaline spike.

@whiteraven Is your original trauma something that afterwards you’d be crying/upset about afterwards? Or focused on the other person? Or playing normal for an audience no matter how upset you were inside?

 

[whiteraven]

This is upsetting, even infuriating. I would be upset about someone hitting me, and if they didn’t acknowledge let alone apologize and check on me?

Hm...it's weird. I absolutely did not and do not feel angry. Not sure why, since anger is my automatic go-to with things like this. I guess I feel a little...put out?...that she didn't even bother to ask how I was. But more sad than anything else. Like, I am not worth you even asking if you hurt me? And yeah...it does upset me a little that there wasn't even an acknowledgment.

I feel like I got hit by a… oh. Right. I did. (I actually forgot.) Well, that explains the bruise coving 20% of me from shoulder all the way down my back to my ankle.

LOL. Sorry I had to laugh. I woke up this morning, and my hand was hurting more than usual. And I was like, wtf is the matter...oh, never mind. There was that car-thing yesterday.

Is returning to the status quo. All kinds of amped up, and nowhere to go? Meltdown.”

Well...I definitely did the meltdown part. LOL

 

[whiteraven]

One of the things I’ve learned? Is that no matter how many different kinds of trauma I pile on, over the years… my head/heart… knee jerks into my FIRST trauma set, in the way that I react/respond to any new trauma.

Oh, interesting.

Is your original trauma something that afterwards you’d be crying/upset about afterwards? Or focused on the other person? Or playing normal for an audience no matter how upset you were inside?

I had multiple traumas, and I'm not sure what the "original" was, but yes to all three of these. And I think I typically react these days (and for the last several years) with the crying/upset part. Hm...more to consider.

 

[littleoc]

When I've been hit by cars, I became silent and felt worthless or helpless for the next week. To my body, the car was a tiger that had been stalking me and had picked me out as prey. I got away the way I learned how to with the other tigers in my life (my abusers, tornadoes, etc) -- I cooperated, I got out of the way to make room for the tiger to rampage, I hid my injuries so the tiger wouldn't notice and come back (from an abuser complaining if I showed pain, for example), I apologized to the tiger if the tiger noticed me to help make sure the tiger didn't feel bad and try to bite again in defense, and then I spent the next week feeling shitty because the tiger was still out there and I hadn't done anything to get rid of it or yell to scare it off.

There's a doctor in anesthesia who I don't particularly like watching and therefore haven't for a long while, but he sometimes would say things like, "I know if my patient has had trauma in the past because when they wake up from the anesthesia with a new wound and confused from not being asleep but having their brain OFF (and turned back on one section at a time), they become tricky patients. They accuse staff of having not really done the surgery if in the past doctors didn't believe them about their illnesses, they start to cry terribly if they think we're going to hurt them while they're so vulnerable, they become aggressive and angry if they have ever had to fight off someone of their life or the life of a fellow soldier," etc etc etc. Aka, as the brain comes back after literally being put on pause, if it has been wired to react to danger often enough, it will attempt to perform those behaviors that as MUST worked for survival in the past, all while you're confused and won't even remember what happened later.

I'd take a look at your past tigers. This tiger might have revealed something to you about how you're coping and what might need some extra care.

Being hit by a car is stressful. Accidentally calling your teacher "mommy" is stressful. You don't judge a kid who starts absolutely sobbing if they make that mistake, even if the reaction is unexpected and not typical.

And typically it take 18 months of straight practice to start re-wiring a brain to even CONSIDER a different way to deal with the next tiger in your stress cup. This is why people with co-occuring addictions with their mental illnesses have such a hard time, too.

It's not hard to see why this has you stressed out, as this would stress anyone out! I'm sorry that happened and I hope you get to feeling better soon

Maybe it would help to try to practice in your mind how you would like to react? Like, what would you expect a person to do if they came up to you right now and took you they just also got hit "gently" by a car?

 

[whiteraven]

When I've been hit by cars, I became silent and felt worthless or helpless for the next week. To my body, the car was a tiger that had been stalking me and had picked me out as prey. I got away the way I learned how to with the other tigers in my life (my abusers, tornadoes, etc) -- I cooperated, I got out of the way to make room for the tiger to rampage, I hid my injuries so the tiger wouldn't notice and come back (from an abuser complaining if I showed pain, for example), I apologized to the tiger if the tiger noticed me to help make sure the tiger didn't feel bad and try to bite again in defense, and then I spent the next week feeling shitty because the tiger was still out there and I hadn't done anything to get rid of it or yell to scare it off.

This is so helpful. A way of looking at things I haven't before. Thank you!

It's not hard to see why this has you stressed out, as this would stress anyone out! I'm sorry that happened and I hope you get to feeling better soon

Thanks again, @littleoc. These days it's hard to know how I'm responding to stressors--I think everything has just accumulated and bombards me all the time. I do know I've become a bit (LOT) more cautious when walking through parking lots!

 

[Rose White]

@littleoc helpful explanation! This part stood out to me personally.

they start to cry terribly if they think we're going to hurt them while they're so vulnerable

Because it happened to me. I remember being confused as to why I couldn’t stop sobbing. It happened both times I had surgery. And both surgeries were before I had started intense trauma therapy. Your explanation helps me fully understand why my brain/body was reacting that way, and what it was communicating.