NewDayTomorrow
Confident
Thanks for reading. I feel like at the moment I have no one to talk to. Keeping busy with my last semester of school helps, so I am just going to vent a little here, get some work done, and check back tonight to see where this thread goes.
Three things on my mind:
1) I have been hired into what most people, including me, consider a dream job. Advanced controls engineering at an energy company. I will relocate in January and again in April. After April I get to live within 5 hours of my best friend, who I once dated, but he moved away, and now we talk almost daily by text, phone, skype. I'm nervous because this is a tough job and relocating twice is very disruptive for PTSD. My therapist will help me find new counselors and psychiatrists. She said to get the support set up right away so I at least have it in place if things get rough as I try to settle into my new life.
2) My parents yelled at me for an hour last weekend for not being happy enough at this opportunity. I'm not one to get excited, but also relocating twice, and learning a very challenging job, is scary! I'm afraid I won't cut it there. Also, my parents said only war veterans get PTSD and they think I am lying to my psychiatrist and therapist to get the diagnosis I want (because I love being diagnosed with PTSD?) and they say I just can't handle stress. They know about my spinal fusion surgery and drug-induced pyschoses incidents from pills prescribed for severe migraines that used to paralyze half my body like a stroke, which is now cured by therapy and chirporactic care, but they will never believe a sexual incident that happened when I was very little that is really at the root of everything. They will not read about PTSD or make any effort to understand why I get depressed. Basically, I have to stop expecting that kind of support from them, and try my best to act normal around them. Thankfully I get to be far away before long. They love me and they are proud of me, but they do not understand this huge part of me and that is becoming painful to accept.
3) I sometimes take advantage of my best friend. He's supported me through lots of this stuff, and he listens to me most of the time, but last night I got excessively hopeless and mentioned how after 5 years of the same stuff at this company, the worrying and flashbacks and therapy sessions, after I give myself a shot at this dream job, I could see myself committing suicide anyway. I'm just tired of trying. I'm like, a machine that does work and nothing else. We were open to trying to have a relationship again, since I've been in therapy for a year trying to improve, and he's not meeting anyone where he lives. He mentioned that when he visits for Thanksgiving, he'd like to try to make out a little. I am visiting him for a week in December too, we were going to try to fool around a little and see how it goes with me, which was initially my idea. But for Thanksgiving, I'm not sure I'll be in the mood, he said well maybe we won't then. I then said something cruel about how sometimes I wonder if he only puts up with me because nobody else is romantically interested in him, also noting "I know this is mean to say and I know it isn't true but still I feel..." and he just said "I'm not going to talk about that right now." I apologized via text and said, say whatever you need to say back to me so we don't leave it on a bad note, and he just said "Nights like tonight make me feel like a therapist, not a friend. Maybe we should take a few days off from talking. Good night." So I said "Ok agreed good night." Now my job is not to text or call him until at least Monday because we are seeing each other on Friday and I want us to enjoy it. We've had this happen before, where I hit his limit and we have to take a break, and we've stayed friends for a year since he moved away in spite of it, but basically I feel hopeless and I'm running out of people to talk to.
Any thoughts, advice, similar stories, sympathy, or "suck it up" comments are all welcome. I'm going to put this aside for a few hours and check back later. I am really not sure what I am looking for, not able to phrase a clear question, but basically anything to let me know somebody understands will put me at ease a little.
Thank you so much.
Three things on my mind:
1) I have been hired into what most people, including me, consider a dream job. Advanced controls engineering at an energy company. I will relocate in January and again in April. After April I get to live within 5 hours of my best friend, who I once dated, but he moved away, and now we talk almost daily by text, phone, skype. I'm nervous because this is a tough job and relocating twice is very disruptive for PTSD. My therapist will help me find new counselors and psychiatrists. She said to get the support set up right away so I at least have it in place if things get rough as I try to settle into my new life.
2) My parents yelled at me for an hour last weekend for not being happy enough at this opportunity. I'm not one to get excited, but also relocating twice, and learning a very challenging job, is scary! I'm afraid I won't cut it there. Also, my parents said only war veterans get PTSD and they think I am lying to my psychiatrist and therapist to get the diagnosis I want (because I love being diagnosed with PTSD?) and they say I just can't handle stress. They know about my spinal fusion surgery and drug-induced pyschoses incidents from pills prescribed for severe migraines that used to paralyze half my body like a stroke, which is now cured by therapy and chirporactic care, but they will never believe a sexual incident that happened when I was very little that is really at the root of everything. They will not read about PTSD or make any effort to understand why I get depressed. Basically, I have to stop expecting that kind of support from them, and try my best to act normal around them. Thankfully I get to be far away before long. They love me and they are proud of me, but they do not understand this huge part of me and that is becoming painful to accept.
3) I sometimes take advantage of my best friend. He's supported me through lots of this stuff, and he listens to me most of the time, but last night I got excessively hopeless and mentioned how after 5 years of the same stuff at this company, the worrying and flashbacks and therapy sessions, after I give myself a shot at this dream job, I could see myself committing suicide anyway. I'm just tired of trying. I'm like, a machine that does work and nothing else. We were open to trying to have a relationship again, since I've been in therapy for a year trying to improve, and he's not meeting anyone where he lives. He mentioned that when he visits for Thanksgiving, he'd like to try to make out a little. I am visiting him for a week in December too, we were going to try to fool around a little and see how it goes with me, which was initially my idea. But for Thanksgiving, I'm not sure I'll be in the mood, he said well maybe we won't then. I then said something cruel about how sometimes I wonder if he only puts up with me because nobody else is romantically interested in him, also noting "I know this is mean to say and I know it isn't true but still I feel..." and he just said "I'm not going to talk about that right now." I apologized via text and said, say whatever you need to say back to me so we don't leave it on a bad note, and he just said "Nights like tonight make me feel like a therapist, not a friend. Maybe we should take a few days off from talking. Good night." So I said "Ok agreed good night." Now my job is not to text or call him until at least Monday because we are seeing each other on Friday and I want us to enjoy it. We've had this happen before, where I hit his limit and we have to take a break, and we've stayed friends for a year since he moved away in spite of it, but basically I feel hopeless and I'm running out of people to talk to.
Any thoughts, advice, similar stories, sympathy, or "suck it up" comments are all welcome. I'm going to put this aside for a few hours and check back later. I am really not sure what I am looking for, not able to phrase a clear question, but basically anything to let me know somebody understands will put me at ease a little.
Thank you so much.