zaniara
Diamond Member
I think this is pretty huge progress. Me, three years ago, not coping well with anybody looking at me. I hated being looked at. (I handled the abuse, but the abuser looking at and filming me, wrecked me the most.) If I was among people I rarely kept still, or tried to hide in some way, or I kept them busy, throwing "stuff" verbally at them; to keep them too busy to think about me. Sort of. It really didn't work well of course. But I tried. :D
:
I have until this date held three lectures about PTSD, one in church, one in a private company working with work-related rehabilitation's, and then one in a a big state agency responsible for handling people on sick-leave. !!! It's been mad! That same state agency wanted to give up on me 12 years ago, they wanted to put me on a disability pension. I told them to stuff it, and left the health insurance in order to avoid that to happen. (Ok, I've been pretty stupid sometimes in my refusal to give up, I could have had less financial problems today if I had been more street smart, and less stubborn.)
The response has been extremely good. But despite the fact that I managed to hold the lecture very well, and during the first one actually had fun too, I spent the days following them being beaten down. You know, locked into my small bathroom, not being able to leave it for a day or two.. But I think it's been a process. After the first I got a flashback. After the second one I had intrusive memories. After the third I didn't have flashbacks except from the room with the people listening to the lecture(their faces..?).
After this I haven't had any flashbacks, not even intrusive memories, and I'm sleeping very well. Really strange.
I'm holding one more lecture, on Thursday, in church. This time it's an open one. If I'm unlucky there will be a lot of people coming there. And there are posters here and there all over town. :nailbiting:With my picture on it!!! I've been struggling with this. I really didn't want my picture on them, but sort of had no choice. And I guess it's about time to refuse to let the fear hold me back- the fear of the abusers who told me with very graphic details what they would do if I ever "talked".
This is the last time I hold this lecture for free. I'm tired of working for free. (And I know, after a professional working with coaching people who hold speeches and lectures, told me I'm really good at it.) I've invested a lot of time in this. And I'm not sure this is very good for my non existing career, to let people in on what kind of problem I've had. (Though I actually talk very little about me, only taking a few example, and mostly explain PTSD at the best of my ability and plenty of research- also I've used to study medicine before the last crime wrecked my life.)
At least this seems like pretty huge stuff for me. Possibly minor stuff for others.. Must what made me the most happy was to hear a few people afterwards realizing they are not "crazy" or "stupid" but actually dealing with a brain wired differently= which can get better with right help. :)
:
I have until this date held three lectures about PTSD, one in church, one in a private company working with work-related rehabilitation's, and then one in a a big state agency responsible for handling people on sick-leave. !!! It's been mad! That same state agency wanted to give up on me 12 years ago, they wanted to put me on a disability pension. I told them to stuff it, and left the health insurance in order to avoid that to happen. (Ok, I've been pretty stupid sometimes in my refusal to give up, I could have had less financial problems today if I had been more street smart, and less stubborn.)
The response has been extremely good. But despite the fact that I managed to hold the lecture very well, and during the first one actually had fun too, I spent the days following them being beaten down. You know, locked into my small bathroom, not being able to leave it for a day or two.. But I think it's been a process. After the first I got a flashback. After the second one I had intrusive memories. After the third I didn't have flashbacks except from the room with the people listening to the lecture(their faces..?).
After this I haven't had any flashbacks, not even intrusive memories, and I'm sleeping very well. Really strange.
I'm holding one more lecture, on Thursday, in church. This time it's an open one. If I'm unlucky there will be a lot of people coming there. And there are posters here and there all over town. :nailbiting:With my picture on it!!! I've been struggling with this. I really didn't want my picture on them, but sort of had no choice. And I guess it's about time to refuse to let the fear hold me back- the fear of the abusers who told me with very graphic details what they would do if I ever "talked".
This is the last time I hold this lecture for free. I'm tired of working for free. (And I know, after a professional working with coaching people who hold speeches and lectures, told me I'm really good at it.) I've invested a lot of time in this. And I'm not sure this is very good for my non existing career, to let people in on what kind of problem I've had. (Though I actually talk very little about me, only taking a few example, and mostly explain PTSD at the best of my ability and plenty of research- also I've used to study medicine before the last crime wrecked my life.)
At least this seems like pretty huge stuff for me. Possibly minor stuff for others.. Must what made me the most happy was to hear a few people afterwards realizing they are not "crazy" or "stupid" but actually dealing with a brain wired differently= which can get better with right help. :)
