Holding My Tongue... Or Not

[Springer80]

My relationship with family or lack of it can be described mostly as barely there but it is stable within that context.

Over the last few years the distress and unhealthy entanglement has largely gone. The only reason that has occurred is that I managed (after alot of build up, failed approaches etc) too finally confront my mother with the rather unpalatable truths I needed to.

With the exception of a year off work due to illness in 2012-3, we have had very little to do with each other. Frankly, this suits me fine.

Interestingly my brother (who I get on with) and I, had a conversation recently in which we both agreed that neither of us have close realtionships with immediate family; not out of animosity per se but simply due to the fact that ' family' never meant anything meaningful. There isnt any aspect of those relations that have anything we need. In the manner of our upbringing we learned to do without.

My problem is my mother sporadically contacts me (cards/emails), in the manner of a pen pal really but she carries on a one way conversation that pays absolutely no attention to what has passed between us.

Today, she gas suggested a visit! We havent spoken since July 2013 apart from a day when she just showed up uninvited. It lasted five minutes.

This makes me incredibly angry. Im really tempted to say, 'What is it that you dont get! I dont want to see you. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to entertain your luke warm attempt at a surface relationship. I havent friggin spoke to you all this time, why the hell do you persist with this?

I ignore contact because I know what I will say if I dont. I am in no doubt that this exchange will happen eventually and it will change the dynamic of our relationship and mine with myself.

In the mean time Im nursing a little metaphorical ulcer until the time comes upon me. Wont be too long I think.

Anyone else had this particular one way showdown?
visit!

 

[scout86]

I haven't had that problem, but there's no way my mother would ever consider coming for a visit either. How about, "Really? That's interesting! What makes THAT seem like a good idea?" Maybe just, "No, I don't think that would be possible." Actually, I don't think YOUR answer was all that bad. Good luck with this!

 

[Springer80]

I think the real issue is that I need ti express this thing. I know she will take it badly because she will not give any credence to my actual emotions.

She just crumbles into this meek, victim like role and says things like 'Why are you doing this...why are you angry' etc etc. It riles me BIG TIME.

 

[scout86]

That sounds like a familiar reaction. I've never found a GOOD way to deal with it. My therapist has suggested that I "think of her as interesting" and let it go at that. Sometimes easier said than done, but pretty useful and helpful. (There are times when it would be tempting to expand on "why I'm angry" or what ever, but she's never going to get the point, no matter what.)

If it makes YOU feel better to express those feelings, I don't see any reason not to. They are your feelings and you have a right to both have them and express them. Just keep in mind that it's highly unlikely to get the point across to HER. Or, she won't admit it, even if she does get it. As long as that's not what you're looking for, express yourself. (And I'd certainly not say "yes" to a visit!)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I so relate. I wish you the best on this one. It sounds like you are right on track.

I disconnected from my family except for a sister that I have a phone only relationship. She is very sick and I do not think she will last much longer. I will not go to her funeral.

Good for you.

 

[Mayday]

I so relate. My mum pulls the weepy victim card too. I think it's a pure denial dynamic at play. I'm in a similar position with both my parents who just can't seem to accept it either.

Don't have any advice really but understand the frustrations.