Holidays Are Draining

[friendlybadger]

I don’t know if this post belongs in depression or anxiety because it’s kind of about both.

I’m in a miserable I-hate-the-holidays mood. I really am depressed and anxious, all at the same time. I’m super depressed because of a lot of things, and I’m sure part of it is chemical(but I can’t take antidepressants). So I’m fighting that demon.

And I’m all anxious because there’s so much stuff going on with my dad’s surgery coming next week and my husband being a d*ck and my having to do everything everywhere.

I’ve bought all the gifts, spending my nest egg on my H and his kids so they can have a nice Christmas. With H not working in such a long time and all our financial probs, I don’t want anything. It makes me happy to find and buy for them and surprise them with things.

What’s got me down is that I feel like I do literally everything and don’t get ‘space’. Like, ideally, I could do Christmas morning with H and the boys and they can then go to his family for the day without me. But I know if I pull that, H will be beyond livid.

The thing is that I have a lot of problems with my social anxiety and it’s really flaring up right now. Plus, with the holiday stresses, I just want to opt out of all this stuff and just be left alone in a quiet room with my dog so I can eat when I want, sleep when I want, and cry when I want. Trying to face H’s family for a full day of them is just not something I think I can take. And I feel, don’t hate me, entitled. I feel I’ve done enough for everyone—working, buying all the gifts, taking care of everyone—that I’m entitled to take the day to do what I want to do and be left alone. Does that make me sound like a complete b*tch? I wonder.

So right now, I’m just a whirl of anxious depression and I just want to be left alone. Maybe I’m overtired too? (plus it’s ‘that time’ –sorry tmi maybe—but it always makes me overly moody and exhausted).

 

[J'aime]

I am so with you on this!! The holidays annoy me sometimes, especially on days like today when I'm exhausted and bitchy. During Thanksgiving, I was very sick and didn't feel like doing anything festive. My fiance wanted me to go to his mom's house for dinner, but all I could think was, "Seriously? Why? It's a small house with too many people, and I wanna be by myself". But alas, I went because it was the right thing to do. It wasn't very much fun, because his mom was overwhelmed and seemed to be in a bad mood. She didn't join us in the living room after dinner clean-up, either. She remained in the kitchen, going through Black Friday ads while the rest of us sat in the living room, talking and laughing.

I kinda felt like we could have just had dinner at OUR house, if she really didn't wanna do it that badly. At least if we'd had it at our house, I could have slipped away for some alone time at some point. It just really bashed my holiday spirits, and now Christmas Eve festivities are at her place this year, she's decided. To me, I'm thinking, "Why do you keep hosting these dinners if you hate it so bad?", and it makes me irritable to think about going. But then I think about my fiance and my daughter, and how they will most likely enjoy themselves, unaware of my general pissiness. So I strap on that good ol' b.s. smile and grin and bear it haha. Cheers to you!

 

[friendlybadger]

I'm sure that's what I'm going to have to do too, strap on the fake smile and play nice for the day. Ugg :( It's just so taxing to have to do that though.

I know what you're saying about people in bad moods making it worse. Like your fiance's mom being so p*ssy. If she was stressed about the deal, she could have opted to not have T-giving at her place. That's why I'm for just staying in bed so I don't have to drag my p*ssy mood with me to X-mas or have to force myself to be happy or at least fake being tolerable.lol

I wish I could drink. My H's family are all near-alcoholics and can hold more liquor than I've ever seen. I can scarcely get one drink down me before I'm sleepy or sick. At least if I was a good drinker, I could get completely snockered and not even know I had been in a bad mood.lol

I'm sure I'll just go and get through the day as best I can :( Again, this is the kinda stress that people like us could live without.

 

[J'aime]

Hahaha oh my gosh, I am SUCH lightweight too! I have like 2 beers, and I'm done for the rest of the night. Dang, too bad you can't get wasted there to help'pull you through the day! How about this...you go to your festivities, and I'll go to mine...then we'll re-conveine and share stories, even if we're making fun of relatives, complaining, or revealing that we actually had a good time. ;) Maybe we will! Ya never know unless ya try. :) xoxo

 

[freakofnurture]

And I feel, don’t hate me, entitled. I feel I’ve done enough for everyone—working, buying all the gifts, taking care of everyone—that I’m entitled to take the day to do what I want to do and be left alone.

I think you totally are.

The other thing is, they are not entitled to demand you get out and face all the stress, play the 'happy family' game and poop on your own needs, just so they can say 'mom was there, too'.

Giving them your morning and having the evening for yourself sounds like a fair compromise that adresses their wishes as well as your needs.

 

[friendlybadger]

It's a deal J'aime. :) We'll have to compare how we did. I'll consider it a success if I actually go, regardless of how the day actually pans out.

Freakofnature, thanks so much for what you said. I felt it was fair, but H doesn't see it fair if I try to nurture myself. He doesn't get ptsd and social anxiety and all the other stuff. But he does have his own crutch--alcohol. He's not an alcoholic, but he can drink lots and lots and just feel buzzed and happy, which helps him overcome his own shyness (even with his own family).

The thing is too freakofnature, that being a stepmom is really hard and not at all easy or the life I dreamed of. I don't feel 'wanted' by H's family as much as if I had been the 1st wife/mother of his kids. They're nice and tolerate me, but I don't get the closeness I had with my first husband's family. It may be that H's family is more 'cold' than what I've experienced previously, which just gets my ptsd all in an uproar. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it. They do have a relationship with the ex-wife despite her affair and walking out on H and the kids. To me, it seems everyone is too accepting of the exwife and all her misdeeds, and not kind enough or accepting enough of me--the person is is paying all the bills and working to support a husband and children that are not mine. That's part of why sometimes I think it easier on me mentally to just opt out of these things and stay home with the dog.

 

[freakofnurture]

friendlybadger: In this case I can understand why you would choose give in to the pressure to participate. It's hard to not feel wanted, and all the fear associated with that... it's tough. Also knowing what you said about your husband's fits of cold, cruel behaviour... I hope you survive the holidays well :)