Homework: Intro As Per Va Therapist Request...

[Shamrocks]

Hello,

I found this site a few weeks ago while searching online for some kind of OEF/OIF specific veteran community. I was looking for a place where I "fit in"; because here lately I feel cut off from society. Most of this is due to my own "issues" of pushing everyone away i.e.: avoidance (not answering calls or texts from family and friends). After attending my weekly VA appointment yesterday, I told my therapist about this website and she challenged me to participate. So, here I am... :unsure:

I suffer from diagnosed PTSD, General Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety, and Avoidant Personality Disorder. I served in the USAF from 2000-2005. After two deployments in support of OEF/OIF the Military deemed me unfit for military duty due to mental health and on March 13 2005 they showed me the door. That's when I started spiraling out of control. I started self medicating with lots of alcohol since my first deployment, but it got worse.

After a three month alcohol induced blur, I finally landed a job for a major military helicopter manufacturer. I was in a position that afforded me a very comfortable living. Money seemed too make my issues disappear or so I thought. After trying to adjust into the civilian lifestyle, the PTSD came on strong with panic attacks, flashbacks, and horrific nightmares. Life just seemed to fall apart i.e.: missing work, withdraw, and I told my gf that I was done.

My grandfather who is retired military sat me down and asked for my mil medical records. He put in my VA claim and 18 months later I was now enrolled in the VA machine. I have been seeking treatment since 09 to no avail. They tried the psyche ward, CBT, DBT, and Invevo PTSD therapy. I seem to resist their attempts to "talk" about my combat experiences due to a self destructive behavior.

Needless to say I am single and live with family in a small room (prison) still fighting the war in my head. I have been on disability leave from work for three years now, which is coming to an end this month. I have given away almost everything I own in hopes of atonement for my sins. I’ve been sober for over a year now and this seem quite hard. I rarely venture out of the house unless it’s for smokes, monster energy drinks, or my VA appointment. I am on a variety of meds and fighting my fears of attending a PTSD program in KS.

P.S. Sorry for writing such a long post, but my VA doc challenged me to "dig in" and you guys seem sincere in your efforts for supporting each other, so I wanted to be honest in letting you know who I am. This is so beyond my comfort zone! I’ve smoked a whole pack and finished two monsters in writing this.

 

[Zipperhead]

Morning Shamrock. It was hard to open up when I first started treatment over a year ago. One day I bit the bullet, and it helped. I've been singing ever since. The docs can't fix it if you don't tell them what's wrong. Over all I think the therapy sesions are truely about you being honest with yourself. The doc is just there to push you through the rough patchs. They don't really care exactly what you did, it's all about how you are dealing with that now.

Look around and learn.

 

[tnkg1rl]

Welcome shamrock.

 

[Sarg]

Mornin' Shamrock.

Sarg

 

[Shamrocks]

Morning all. Thanks for the replies. Zip, roger that. Think I was in a bad place when I wrote the intro... TMI
Just riding the coaster day by day.

 

[Need an Oasis]

Welcome!

 

[JarHed]

Just riding the coaster day by day.

Hey Shamrocks

Welcome to the forums. Glad you made it back and found us here. I think we've all got a lifetime ticket to the 'coaster. Gotta' take it one day at a time. Therapy is hard, but at least no one is shooting at ya'. It does get better.

JarHed

 

[Ted Moen]

Welcome, Shamrocks. I came home from Vietnam in 68 (one of "those" Vietnam Vets). It took me until 95 to begin to participate in my own therapy and until 2001 to fully participate. Prior to 95 I lived out my set of symptoms (labels are for the Docs, what we have is a set of symptoms), just like it sounds like you are doing. Between 95 and 2001 I learned to manage my symptoms and get my current needs met in my current situation while the old stuff does what it does in the background. Our challenge is to learn to live better with our set of symptoms, if we chose to do something other than living out our set of symptoms.

Learning to manage our symptoms is scary. We have to explore the memories we don't want to remember, learn how they impact on our current situation, and learn a set of tools that will let us manage them in our current situation. We have to go face to face with those intense feelings and learn that we are good people who did what we had to do to survive an abnormal situation. On any given day during the course of therapy it would be easier and feel much better to chose to return to living out or symptoms.

It is really scary to chose to participate in therapy, but its worth the effort.

Good luck in Kansas :)

Ted

 

[Shamrocks]

Thanks for the new replies. Jar and Ted you guys are spot on. Ive been running away from facing the "Beast" outta site outta mind kind of deal. That hasn't done anything, but make matters worse. I have learned some useful exercises to help with my symptoms from my doc. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I feel "broken". I keep having this thought that if I could just get back into the military everything would go back to "normal". I've contacted the Army Rec Com and they said I have a green light just gotta go to my local recruiter. I miss the military life :(

 

[JarHed]

I miss the military life :(

Hey Shamrocks

Perhaps what you miss is the comraderie. And also that's been 'normal' for you for quite some time. I will tell you this; going back in in the hope that that will 'fix' everything is only a way of kidding yourself. You're still going to have the same problems, they aren't going to go away unless you do something for them. Don' re-enlist for the wrong reasons. You can make a better life for yourself whether you're in or out of the military. Just something to think about and of course only my opinion.

Jar

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Shamrock, welcome to the forum from down under.

I think Jar has hit the nail on the head. I still miss the camaraderie and would get back in if I thought it would fix my mind, and I would do that in a heart beat, but the sad news is that the problems won't go away. They might bury themselves for a few years and appear again when you least want them to, like in a life and death 'Stressful' situation.

As for fighting your fears, what are you afraid of?? You obviously want to fix yourself, otherwise you would not be on this forum. All they do is give you a look inside of yourself and teach you the tools you need to manage this beast on a day to day level. There is no magic pill though and the only cure for PTSD is Alzheimer's or death. Jar suffers from a bit of Alzheimer's and forgets where his walking frame is, but you can live with the disorder mate.

I have told my story a million times, but I was mis-diagnosed in 2002 when I returned from East Timor and this caused my marriage and family to be torn. They then deployed me to Iraq in 05-06. This firmly buried the hatched in whatever hope there was of rectifying my marriage. I did a PTSD course here and only wish I had done it a few years later when I was ready, like you are. I turned to alcohol and drugs after the course and ended up a hermit owning nothing and going nowhere.

This forum helped me grow and understand PTSD and there are always guys and gals online every time of the day or night to answer a question, and if by chance there is not, they will get to it soon.

I found love again too and Margaret accepted me PTSD and all even though she could choke me some days. I have also started a small computer business, early days yet.

When I need my fix of the military, I either give one a call or get on Facebook or something, I keep them at arms length though to avoid the triggers.

My only bit of advice to you is to keep on doing what your doing, but try and get out a bit. It's too easy to isolate and make excuses in your head as to why you should not go anywhere. You are just like someone with Asthma, or diabetes, you look normal and can do most things normal people can, you just have to avoid certain things thats all.

Go do the course mate, what can it hurt.

Jimmy

 

[Wagon]

Hey Shamrock,

Welcome to the only online forum that counts. Allot of help here. Saved my life. I went through 20 years of shit like allot of guys here before I finally train wrecked it all. As the other brothers here have said, it's just something you got to take seriously and do yourself. But you don't exactly have to do it alone.

First steps are always a bitch, but the walking gets easier after awhile. You can and will be productive again. Not normal...... but you can say life is allot more real for us.

Hang Tough
and
Peace
Wagon

Oh yeah, We got sisters here too. Not many but we got em.