Homicidal

[scaldedsheep]

Anyone ever been so homicidal that they cannot go outside in the world? I've been feeling this way for the past couple days. Last time I felt like this I strangled a guy who was messing with me at a party until he turned blue. It took three other guys to pull me off of him. I've done some...rather unpleasant things to people. I was just wondering what you did to get through it. I have fantasies and day dreams where I torture and kill people all the time.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Please call your therapist or psychiatrist. If you're in danger of acting on these thoughts, it may be hospitalization time.

 

[anthony]

I would ask... why are you getting so angry to begin with? I have been where you are, and I know what you're talking about. I did act out on things as well, being a veteran... my first instinct was to hurt others physically. Go out, get drunk, put people in hospital. I was lucky I never killed anyone, got charged or ended up dead myself.

I get it... mine was all the underlying anger and rage fuelled by emotions I simply didn't want to look at, being a big tough military type guy. Took more courage for me to look inwards to help myself, than most things I had done prior to that in life.

 

[Heather]

This kind of anger is coming from somewhere. Just wondering if you can identify what it is that is making you feel this way?

Can you channel it into something positive? Exercise? Smashing old dishes on a rock? Beating a pillow? Get in your car, turn the music up really loud and scream your head off?

Just some suggestions.... I hope they help. Like SOL said if you're really feeling unsafe hospitilization might be a good idea.

I wish you peace. Hugs.

Heather

 

[scaldedsheep]

I've never really asked myself why I am angry but I suppose I should. I think a part of it is because I cut my mother off recently, my burthday came around, and I feel like I've just been thrown out into the world. I wonder if there is compassion in life where is it? Even if there is I probably do not deserve it so why would I long for such a stupid thing?

I don't have a psychiatrist. I had one for awhile that I liked but that was back in the day when I was still on my dad's health insurance. He saw me for free for awhile. I stopped going when I got really heavy into drinking, drugs, and other shit. It seemed pointless to me at the time and it still does. I guess for me there are some acts of violence that can never go away. I will never have closure. I accepted that. I guess when I have family that never gave a f*ck about me and let me live in the street decide they want to contact me every so often it enrages me.

 

[The Albatross]

Scalded Sheep... the last time I had a traumatic break I tried to admit myself to a hospital and told my husband to hide our epileptic dog's phenobarbatol and to get all the weapons out of the house... I had been suicidal before, but that time, it was a homicide/suicide thing. It scared the shit out of me.

 

[freakofnurture]

I get violent and have killing urges when I'm really angry; I can get my zen back by firing a PET bottle against a wall. It's loud and kinetic.

Sometimes I just randomly want to kill someone. Because, why should I not? I don't like torture though, because I can't handle it when people get emotional because of me.

What's stopping me is the fact that my husband wouldn't like it if I were a murderer, and because I don't know if I were allowed to use the internet for research for my stories in prison. If I ever find out a fool proof way to not get caught, though...

If I were able to find killing unfair, that'd stop me; I don't do things that I think are unfair (don't ask me why, though). But when someone's dead, they're dead, and I don't get what's between living people and their dead acquaintances.

I feel disgust for myself when I think about all this.

 

[anthony]

I guess when I have family that never gave a f*ck about me and let me live in the street decide they want to contact me every so often it enrages me.

I think you just found some of the cause for your anger by yourself. Well done...

 

[scaldedsheep]

I don't feel disgust for when I think about those things. I could snap someone's neck, pour a bowl of cereal afterwards, sit by the body, and watch T.V. I'm not ashamed as I type this. I know I probably should be but I don't feel that. My lack of empathy and tolerance for people has only gotten worse as I've gotten older. When I was kid, after my abuse started, I would find stray cats or squirrels and beat them to death with a baseball bat. I used to set fires too or set animals on fire. I don't do that shit now though. I realize that is horrible and it makes me a bad person in a sense but I can't be any worse then the man who would rape me with scissors and make me drink my own blood and pee. So yes, I have done that and I have raped but it was because I was threatened with death. That really gives me no excuse but still.

There was a switch that turned off for me at some point and it's taken me a long time to accept that I can't feel. I thought maybe my feelings for people would come back but they haven't. I try to stay away from people so I don't hurt them because I don't want to go to jail. Other then that I have no remorse and I don't know why.

 

[anthony]

So yes, I have done that and I have raped but it was because I was threatened with death. That really gives me no excuse but still.

Actually... it does give you adequate reasoning for justification. It's called self preservation, a natural human instinct that very few people have the ability to over-ride and allow their own life to be taken.

You then have much deeper psychological aspects at play here, surrounding trauma exposure... it's why the abuse cycle exists to begin with. Acknowledging the problems and changing yourself, is an excellent place to be at, and shows an indeterminate strength within you to want to change.

Well done.

 

[scaldedsheep]

Thank you? I suppose I don't think about it that way. Acknowledging problems and changing myself is easier said than done. Especially when I've thought this way for years. I'm not sure it can be changed.

 

[freakofnurture]

Acknowledging problems and changing myself is easier said than done.

You have a level of consciousness of the whys and hows of these problems that enables you to deal with them in a way that makes you less dangerous to other people. That's the difference between you and those of us who end up in some prison's psych ward. It's something positive that you do have, no matter if you can realise any changes or not.

EDIT: Concerning disgust:
I don't know if it's really inherently my own feeling or if it's internalised societal judgement. I don't feel disgust when I read about serial killers and I'd prefer the company of a dead stranger to that of a living one any time.