Homophobia Due To Sexual-abuse

[Tovebu]

So you are both trying to convert each other and have a friendship based on agendas. Well, you both know it so if it's...

I did not say that I push the questions on her in such a way.

This is going in a completely wrong direction. And misses the point of this whole post.

The point of this post was not that I am a dude that's storming her with questions and trying to change her forcefully.

I was hoping to get some advice in what to do in a situation that I found very confusing. But a bunch of jumping to conclusions happened, on here.

I generally am not bothered with it too much, and it gets brought up rarely. The problem comes up more in the fact that almost all of my friends are openly of a non-straight sexual orientation.

 

[Aro]

I was hoping to get some advice in what to do in a situation that I found very confusing.

Id say gentle education. She likely is very scared and terrified of someone thats homosexual due to sexual abuse which she told you about. I would be. So just gentle dialog would be, Id think, a good place to start. If she can talk about it and you two can have a dialog, maybe you can find why homosexuals bother her so much. If its just lack of knowledge, then education goes a long way. If its being terrified due to abuse (which i have a terror of people in general so i get that) then i think it will be a whole lot slower. That would take exposure so id say maybe invite a very nice and gentle homosexual friend over with her to hang out. Id say that might be a good place to start.

Does any of that make sense?

I understood the post and im sorry its going the wrong way. I feel you are concerned and just want to help. In my view anyway. Id feel a need to educate if i had a homophobic friend just like id educate if someone had an unrational fear of anything.

 

[Ilep]

I have been racist as f*ck a few times in my life. Yeah, probably (undoubtedly) trauma shit. It took a few amaaaaaazingly patient individuals who essentially did what you're doing to break me out of it, the first time.

"Yo. I'm Serbian. Remember?"
"You don't count."
"Pfft. Whatever."

If it wasn't for Danillo & Dragana, I don't know where I'd be. Possibly still killing Serbs. Definitely not keeping Christmas trees up until the Ascension, when our Christmas is weeks earlier. And without their lessons? Their dragging my ass -however unwillingly- back into the land of the rational? IDK if I'd ever have gotten over not just that one, but my hatred of all things <next group of people I decided to despise> (Huh. Despise with a vengeance, actually literal. That's just made my head spin.) because that one was on my own. Much less as fast as I did. Oh? THIS bullshit? Again? FFS Self. Pull your head out of your goddamn ass. I got lucky the first time, and had people to help me through it. It still crops up from time to time.

I've deleted this twice, because it's not something I like to talk about, but I owe them. And, by extension, others who don't put up with this bullshit. It's far too easy a pattern to slip into.

 

[Tovebu]

Id say gentle education. She likely is very scared and terrified of someone thats homosexual due to sexual abuse which sh...

Yea :) I'm sorry, I might have gotten a bit terrified myself with the stream of replies. Sorry

I think it's the combination of all three. And the idea of inviting someone who is nice and also in that group might be a good one :hug: Thats a step up from stacking exceptions.

Sorta like this:
Revealing to her that some people she sees as good, trustworthy and so on, are also in the realm of non-heterosexual orientation. As a first step
And further as a second step, inverting that and finding people that are non-heterosexual and having her see that they are not bad. So association both ways. A = B, and B = A

 

[Tovebu]

@Ilep

Oh, yea, totally that.

And also, just swap Serb with Bisexual.

Just a long work of expanding the list of people that don't count. To extrapolate that to the majority.

Also, some fundamental misconceptions, such as that bisexual people are always polyamorous and similar.

 

[Ihiv]

So association both ways. A = B, and B = A

YES! If A = B then B must = A.

She has to see the some bisexual and homosexual people are good people and arent to be feared before she can be open to the fact that not all homosexuals are bad people.

We fear what we dont understand.

Anger is often fear and frustration. Its often how we protect ourselves against what we fear. So throwing hatred-like remarks out at homosexuals is just her self protection over what she fears and dont understand.

 

[Uzem]

Anger is often fear and frustration. Its often how we protect ourselves against what we fear.

Yes, but context is important.

In this case, the fear appears to be connected to an unresolved history of sexual abuse, and it's not likely that you will resolve this fear until progress is made in her healing from her trauma.

That means that your agenda, for her to resolve her homophobia and 'become a better person' needs to be done at her pace, not yours. Without some insight into where she's at with her therapy, and knowing that you're working jn tandem with her stage of recovery, this could go all sorts of wrong. What might be a genuine and well-intended effort to "open her eyes" could easily (easily) end in disaster. For example, "do you realise I'm bisexual?" may seem like an innocent enough statement for you, but could provoke fear ("Get away from me you potential abuser") to toxic guilt, to shame, to ...

With someone who doesn't have this wrapped up in a trauma history, I can see how that would be fairly straight forward. But please remember that in trying to resolve her homophobia, you are also trying to resolve the way her brain has interpreted her trauma and provided her with some feeling of control and safety moving forward.

 

[Ageb]

Im not the OP:

In this case, the fear appears to be connected to an unresolved history of sexual abuse, and it's not likely that you will resolve this fear until progress is made in her healing from her trauma.

I agree. But therapy alone may not help.

Take my terror of people, which is trauma related. Therapy hasnt helped that as I need to be around people to get that not all people will hurt me.

And my therapist has looked for ways I can get that exposure.

So along side of therapy, this could be of great help.

I agree that without therapy, this could go wrong. But again, not always.

If i werent in therapy and if someone tried to expose me to people and if it went wrong, id say maybe my fear would be worse or Id push back harder and isolating more.

I think the person knows the OP is bisexual? Maybe i read that wrong?

I dont read this as the OP wants to change this person or has an agenda. Im reading this more that this person has an irrational hatred for certian people and the OP wants to help the person see that there isnt anything to fear about homosexuals.

Just how Im reading and understanding it. I could be completely wrong.

 

[Ecec]

Yes, and I'm a fan of that type of exposure therapy. You decide you have a fear of people that you need to overcome, so you work with your T to come up with some exposure exercises involving gradually more people.

In this case, applying the OP's (well-intended) proposal: without consulting you, someone else has decided that you have a fear of people that you need to work on now, and they have comeup with the exposure program without consulting you...

That makes me twitchy.

 

[Ujud]

That makes me twitchy

Twitchy? Lol!

In this case, applying the OP's (well-intended) proposal: without consulting you, someone else has decided that you have a fear of people that you need to work on now, and they have comeup with the exposure program without consulting you...

Ok, now that its typed out like thay makes it understandable and I completety agree. Makes me twitchy too.

 

[Retaliz]

Don't you realize that preaching about your beliefs and based your friendships off of them is no better than the people who claim that Jesus will somehow cure the gays? :p