Hope I'll be the last diary I'll ever write

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
My story
-borned autistic and my hearth didn't developped like it was supposed to do. One thing is supposed to resorb hole in hearth but my heart didn't do that
-my parents noticed I wasnt easily breathless and went to doctor which lead to the conclusion that if they don't do sugery on me I'll die
-my hearth surgery went well but traumatized me, my father said my mother was hearhbroke seeing me in this windowless place where children were suffering, I was pleading to go home a lot
-My grandmother said I used to sleep very well. Once I went throught surgery my father told me I was keeping having nightmare and end pretend not having them anymore, my sleep was incurably damaged (for all we know) from this event. I was going to sleep and falling asleep later and later for decade before someone finally found I respond well to melatonin around my majority. Between this moments my parents and doctors tried erverything except adult drug to make me sleep
-I keep no memories of hospital but fear so much going to see someone at hospital I always feel like I'm about to pass out
-Around 7 P sexually abused me. I was being told they noticed after that in this month I started to pull off my hair as trauma reaction
-both of P ans me were sent to therapist to be took cared of
-somewhere around I was sent to regular hospital because I wasn't sleeping enough (the doctors also suspected a depression)
-I remember around 7 when my father went to live near the lake (my parents tried to separate to see if things would be better after a break) I was looking the floor below me at he 4th floor imaging I fall to there and die, It was a conforting thought, for as long I remember I always loved imaging me falling to the floor far away and die, I never really stopped feeling that way
-I think I was aware of something about my mother but can't say what because traumatic amnesia
-when she died I was shocked but not surprised she wasn't alive anymore like I was expecting it to happen, I think I always was feeling relief she died because I always... was feeling she was suffering a lot ???
-I remember sleeping in my bed this night but my father said I was sleeping in her bed this night
-I rapidly been very afraid to be abandoned. When I broke my leg, I first cried because the pain. Then people seemed to want to leave me there so I cried again louder to force them to stay
-I remember talking to my father in the way hospital, very clearly. My father was absoutly certain he was waiting me at hospital
-I dont remember having pain at hospital, my father said it wasn't correct. he added I was yelling after the second leg surgery but I couldn't remember it
-When they supress thread from my wound leg I asked to be numbed because the pain was unbearable not because it was too painful but because the pain was paniking me.
-pain is still likely to make me go into panic. Being too tired is likely to send me into paniking too, not being able to fell asleep can make me panic, the though of falling asleep can be very hard for me and I have to take relaxing med to be able to fall asleep at the moment
-my life splited in two when my brother started again sexually abusing me. One me was living everyday life, talking about school at psy. The other only was present while being abused. Memories can't stick toghter in a coherent narrative. My childhood was happy and I was so thankful to live. My childhood was hell and I always wanted to die, to never existed at all
-I think speding my whole life in therapy may not healed me but kept me sane enought to make me unable to actually harm myself in purpose today
-After 15 years old I couldn't find a future for me and decided to kill myself at my bithday (end of december) if nothing get better. I found a girl who was making me feel like she was needed me and realized I loved laboratory work
-I still had a risky behavior a day and hurt my back forever while not in a disabiliting way, at hospital they asked me if I was wanted to kill me and I was honest at them telling them I was planning to maybe kill me with cold, I still was discharged since I was being stable enough at the moment and being seeing a psy
-I completely ignored the fact my mother existed for 5 years. Forgot most my before and after her death to now memories. I called it "memory reboot" (in english since I already knew enough to say that in english)
-I was having a best friend at the moment. spending time with her at her home was the only moment I was feeling safe. except maybe some moment with my father. I always feel unsafe otherwise
-before 15 started the "rule of 7" for 7 years every year a member of my family went to hospital (could be dangerless or actually dangerous but all felt like they were about to die to me)
-The 6th years it was my responsable from internship was learning to become a laborant that had a cardiac trouble while being at work, I saw him in a litter and hold the door to the secourists. I probably definitively cracked aroung this point
-Next year my father got diagnostised with cancer, I lost myself. My best friend couldn't handle me anymore so left me, I was removed from apprentiship because I wasn't able to stay in present at stay in class, paniking before the class start
-I was having no friend left, no purpose and spending my day with my father who was fighting with cancer. I started antidepressents, that worsen a lot my mental state, I left my therapist, quit med brutally without saying it to anyone and was in a dissociative maze for a while. At some point I was alone at home with P and playing with a swiss knife in my leg (removing dead skin). For some reason I think it would be fun to cut my leg and started "drawing" in it. Literally actually, I wasn't able to realize it was hurting me, making me bleed a little bit, it wasn't painful at all. I was so dissociated that I immediately fell asleep and woke up half convinced it was a dream. But it wasn't
-While I was hurting myself my father was going throught major surgery and the flat was being painted over. I remember because the building painter asked me where I got this scratches from and I said from some plants I was playing in when I was young and leaving me alike cuts in my legs.
-I think he belived me, I don't know if anyone understood what really happened before I confessed it. It's the only time I succesfully hurt myself but it was painless
-After that I kept going "insane", went back to apprentiship while wtill in full dissociation haven't recovered at all
-I was thinking if I could have this diploma I would secure my life. I broke me gaining it. I barely was here in classes but still managed to improved my grades, workers from my intership noticed they never knew if I was listening to them or not while telling me things,they didn't reconized the girl they were having before my father cancer
-I got diploma my father won a round agianst cancer and I soon realized I was unable to do a thing
-I was paniking at the sligthest problem, losing my endurence in a very quick time, falling down deeper and deeper. My behavior was erratic I started going to psych ward
-my father let me just spend my life looking at humoristic videos in internet all day, barely talking to him
-I finally resolved to seek a doctor to check if I really was autistic (long story unrelated to trauma) and for the specialist I saw it was not doubt I was. I felt condamned my life hopeless
-I met lot of people before during and after my diag of autism, met my current best friend, got three more friends, all autistics
-my father relapsed in cancer
-I kept maitnening minimum contact with my new friends still spending all my days on youtube
-with my new best friend I felt safe, developped sort of co-depency toward her like he was toward my father but she was having clear boundaries and made me respect them. I finally agreeed my friends could have other friends than me, before that I was jealous as hell
-I started trying to date. i met a man and a girl after my best friend point of I wasn't just liking some women but actually feeling something more for them
-the cancer of my father appeared to going to end him I stopped dating, I stopped living
-everyone was very worried about me because soon my father wouldn't be able to take care of me
-We had to find a way for me to be able to live somewhere
-we found group home I went to it very quickly since my father was dying and I was completely depending of him
-There I was looked after like I was being at home. My social skills psy told me once at this period I was acting like I was having PTSD, I asked to be tested for it, I was having it
-I strated stabilizing EMDR and started to talk about my sexual trauma, it ending with me reporting to police throught my lawyer. I accepted to do it BECAUSE I knew P's life won't be directly impacted by it
-my father died
-I don't remember a lot about it
-I kept living a avoiding life
-one year after my father death, one of my grand-parent died, the following year another grand-parent died
-I couldn't celbrate Christmas because all these deaths were too much for me, juste heaaring other celebrating it was horrible
-I felt the need to leave as soon as possible but it took more than a full year
-we reached present day, I leave my group home in 10 days it's unbearable
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
my feeling after writing all of this
it's not my life
It's not connected to my life
I'm not her
she never existed
it's a story I heard, not me
not real
not real
not real
not real
not real
please tell me it cant be real
it was good times too you know ?
not real
not real
not real
it can't be real
no
no
no
please don't make it real
can't be
really
please
I couldn't handle it
not a life
mroe like a death
please
not real
not real
no real
not real
not real
not real
not real
please not real please PLEASE !!!!!!!!!
 
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