Hope I'll be the last diary I'll ever write

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
I'll going to see half of my friends and my cousin in 10 days to unpacking things in my new home. I just have to hold on until then. I can't believe it's so close and so far away at the same time
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
I want to die. Well I always want to but I'm aware of it right now. I feel like I can't spend 10 more days at group home but I talked about it with lot of people who are aware of my situation and we couldn't find a better way than just endure it.
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
I had to spend time outside and it was so hot I have to take a shower before cooking and eating with others. I really hate summer in general so when overheat happens it's really frustrating for me
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
One more "oh i forgot this was symptom of mental illness and not something commun" moment

I spent half of the talking at dinner talking about negative stuff about my life : the fact my parents are dead, the fact my mother died just after her divorce, the fact my father learned she died after being interroged by the police because the accident was too close to their divorce to not being suspicious...
Then I randomly said that I literally can't spend 6 hours in a row without thinking about this kind of stuff. My educator said sadly she now understands why I'm always so tired.

Oh
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
Well spending most my social time joking and being "speedic ?" Probably doesn't help.

Speedic : seeing having a lot of energy and being agitated in a positive way
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
Sometimes I really worried for that girl that I feel all these feelings ans remember all her memories from

More rarely I realize it's me
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
may try list down things about me and family because I saw it somewhere here and I thought "why not ?"

So let's start by my family
Father
.father was always fat and resort to humour to deal with classmate meaness
.one of his sister died in a car accident because she said "yolo" to basic security
.when my mother came to his house to ask from help from her best friend (the sister of my father) because she wanted to commit suicide, my father took a knife and said her : do it
.when mother phoned him to comfort him about his sister's death he ends conrfoting her
.was a clumsy turbulent chid and in this times that means corporal punition
.was said to be a manual at school and an intellectual at physical work
.Find my mother beautiful and wanting to marry her and having two children
.was very supportive to my mother but with methods I find grey-aera (see third point)
.described my mother as : she was down most of the month but once a month she was... don't remember but somthing you would said about someone you admire, maybe idolize
.was I'm here for hugs but have no clue how to parent
.said me he divorced because my mother wanted to and he would absolutly do everything for her, said he was keep doing his best to help her even after divorce
.was completely out of water when he went to barely seeing us to have to be the only parent when my mother died shortly after divorce
.did his very best to raise us
.confided me once he wanted to save my mother (her mental ilness stuff)
.was acting overprotetctive to me before and after my mother's death
.barely try to make me do cores because I always was feeling bad
.encouraged me to go out, make more friends, respected my need to be alone almost all the time
-always was compassionnate and nice to me
.take care of me while having then dying from cancer
.take very gladly I was out for a date with a woman near his death (I'm a girl)) also may have belived I'm lesbian because of that (I'm bi actually)
.had faith about me and my ability to someday heal from my life and do something that would make me happy
.only really wish my happiness all along
.was more acting like a friend of us than a father all my and my brothers life
.was keeping saying "all is alright" while I was having my worse periode in term of mental health, was having not a single friend, was unable to work and him dying from cancer (so he was my only social contact and I was living with him)
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
Mother
most I know of her comes from my father, beside him I never asked someone who actually knew her
-depsite being borned poor or around poor
-was the intelligent, beautiful sportive, admired kind of woman
-was having heavy mothers issues
-was bipolar and seeing a psy for it
-probably married my father beause how beautiful she was in his eyes and his true love for her and admiration for her up periods
-my father told me his male twin (so my mother's twin) raped her and their mother didn't belived her
-I heard lot of negative outcome from my family about this twin in a general way
-said to absolutly loved all of us
-wanted four kids
-had a deathborn or miscariage as first pregnancy wich would had be terrible for her mental health
-love to dress me in beautifuf expensive-looking dresses and really dislike I prefer to play with my brother's cars toys
-enjoy looking pretty and having expensive clothes in general, wanted to was being born rich, tought she was like princess Diana (the way my father told me that was more sounding like a desilusions that she was exchanged at birth than usual fantasy)
-my father told me her mental state worsen when she was pregnent of me
-my father said she aptempted suicide a lot including while I was old enough to understand something was fishy about her going to this special hospital
-no clue how much I knew about her mental issues or suicide aptempt or how mentally fragile she was (truamatic amnesia)
-(always according to my father) wanted to divorced my father because her friends said he wasn't good for her health
-was suffering a lot from insomnia, that night she couldn't sleep and drove to a doctor for help, fell asleep was going back home, died in seconds. I asked myself a quesiton that always come back to me every time I think about how she died : did she woke just before dying ? Did she realized she was dying before dying ? Did she ever woke up after her car left the road ? I can't not thinking about it and wish she didn't woke up
-my father thought her parents ressent him for her death
-I think she was too tired to fight and finaly gave up mentally, not as a suicide but in a "too tired for this shit" way . Being free from the responsabilities of being a mother relaxed her enough to provocs her death

-she was the one to realized my brother was abusing me and she did everthing to bring it to justice, done everthing to protect me from him
-if that rape story is true it would have been devasting for her to learn that, she probably self-balmed herself a lot for "letting that happened"
-she did her best to protect me to the paranoïa (in a way too far kind not pathological way)
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
Brother 1 (oldest) let's name him P.
-as first child was the "testing kid" and the "responsable" and "have to find by his own way" kid
-studied hard, was willing to become a model for us, to be a good brother, now he's the one in charge of every hard administative thing to take care
-loved way too much (read in an autistic way) cars, and still do
-still sometimes more intersted in cars than anything else
-the one who got from our mother the most, loving feeling pretty, spending lot of time arranging his look, luxury looking items
-suffer the most being very likely to gain weight and belly beause relaxed one too many meal or not doing enough sport (read doing a LOT of sport) (that trait is only from our father, our mother was thin)
-have heard an adult show him his part while he was young but this information isn't reliable because my memory tends to do shit
-Loved posing as a big borther with J. (other brother) and me
-I think he's a family kind of person
-for some reason watched porno at 13 and decided to test ideas on me and started see me as an object rather than a person even less as his sister
-he said it happened 3 times and he didn't penetrated (in a month before my mother realized)
-I said he penetrated me, wasn't judged stable enough to testimonie so the confession from my brther won
-my mother previoulsy asked him lot of questions to make admited what he's done to me (just after she realized so long before justice go to us)
-said at justice I understood what he's done was bad and won't ever do that again, discharged because too young
-tend to mask his real mood : he would act nice then suddenly insult me
-THAT NIGHT he realized our mother wasn't home around 1am, called her, waited for her to come home, phone her again at 3am but she didn't answered (already died)
-probably felt like the new parent after that since our father wasn't good at this
-abused me again but seeming in a softer way (my impression from forgetten memories)
-was doing it by pretexting to massage me so he could touch everything of me ( I would even undress myself for massages)
-wasn't discorved this time so I endure it in silence
-went to university and got the diploma unlike J.
-I was said (I think ?) he was having impulsion and anger issues and discharged it by riding a bike but with lot of serious
-tend to be angry at things, I remember he at least two time yelled at me, I would then run to my room and lock my door, then he was yelling to open it and seeing I won't just let me alone (probably hitting my door while asking me to open)
-only hit me once, I slapped him first because he was sexually abusing me. He slapped me back and keep abusing me
-probably was the one crying the most at our mother's funeral (borther J. was been told boys don't cry)
-took everthing in charge was my father was having cancer when he couldn't do it himself
-was very worried about me when I "disapeared" once while being depressed and very unstable, called everyone including police to find me (father told him I was probably fine)
-a time after I stopped the abuse by not letting him having me alone, started to acted remorsful, stoppped insulting me, done his best to help me in any way. Stayed his distance because knew I didn't trust him anymore
-was in charge of testament, family administrative stuff, handling adult-thing stuff

-the first time I saw he was having a girlfriend I was worried for her (was he abusing her too ?)
-the second and nowdays one seems more mature and able to take care of herself so I assumed she could defend herself in case someting happens

actual reason he was dimissed as military service altrought he did his best to get ingaged was unclear

-respected my boundries since our father was having cancer and still respect them
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
brother 2 (middle child) let's name him J.
-middle broher symdrome
-while my oldest brother was too old to play right with me, I remmeber playing with J a lot, enjoying it a lot, and being very sad when it ended
-knew probably all along about our mother mental state, suffered a lot about me being at hospital after hearth surgery, probably felt and still feel like pulled in two directions between me and P.
-probably started young having depression-like symptome with insomnia
-prefered writing poems rather than sleep at night
-was having a group of friend he grown with, they had to separate in differents classes shortly after our mother's death and P said he was really hard to him
-was informed at some point what P. did to me, probably feel awful about what his sibling done to his sibling
-in short got a lot of second-hand traumas, probably witness the different violences P done to me (sexual comments and yelling)
-love me a lot in an actual brother way
-has lot of trouble expressing his feelings
-confessed once to our father in my presence he was smoking for already three year at a dinner in a way I was judging like : I know your hate the very idea of me doing it but I have to told you about it (it felt out of proportion to me but seems like my father really reseented him for that)
-love chatting at cafe with other hurt-by-life people
-was told "boys don't cry" and I don't ever remember seeing him crying in any situaiton, but I remember thinking I was the one who cried the less at our mother's funeral
-when our father died he was having a bad and suddent headhache around his funeral and after it
-while more interessted by formule 1 cars and bike sports than me, never be one of his passions
-love stories, writing, composing poems, the sensitive one of our broterhood,
-like to describe himself with lot of positive adjectives including ambitious
-is in universtiy for so many years everyone lost count and hope he'll get a diploma from it
-the apathic depressed one
-non violent in most way, only times he was violent was when I messed with his videos games but never remember after being angry he got angry
-said P changed and deserves I give him a second chance
-tried to talk to me when I was at my worst once told me he was here if I needed him then went to holidays whithout warn me
-is reeeeaaaally bad at expressing his emotions
-current girlfriend love spending time with him
-last girlfriend left him because unlike him she wanted children and he was never working at university or doing cores
-I learnt lately he hate our society, psychiatric system as a whole would punch my psy if he could and think my psy are the one who destroyed me
-I don't trust him anymore and fear seeing him again but not because he would willing to hurt me but because who he became hurt mee
 
Top