Hoping It's Not Just Me

[Pencil]

Here is the Structural Dissociation 101 explanation:

Take a person. Something traumatic happens. Trauma is per definition overwhelming (if it not too much too handle, it is not traumatic). The individual copes by splitting off / insulating / isolating / separating the incident into a neat little package in the psyche so that the rest can get on with daily life. The person who gets on with daily life is called the ANP (Apparently Normal Personality), the split off part put on ice / the backburner / the vault is called the EP (Emotional Personality.) This works for a while, until flashbacks etc force the person to deal with and integrate the contents of the package, held by the EP, into the ANP. This is called Primary Dissociation - which is what 'pure' PTSD is about.

With complex trauma you don't have 'a person' - you have a being consisting of many traumatic incidents / memories. What happens is that the EP splits into two or more (many more) little EPs - and they are 'created' at different ages under different conditions and they start acting almost independently. This is Secondary Dissociation. Ir seems as if this is OSDD (in the DSM IV this was called DDNOS)

In cases of very severe childhood trauma, Tertiary Dissociation happens - this is where the ANP splits into separate, fully autonomous personalities - this is DID.

I hope this helps.

 

[Viosinger]

I haven't talked to my therapist about this yet, but I understand completely. When things were really bad while I lived at home, I started to wonder if I had Multiple Personality disorder, but was always aware when I switched to different versions of myself & knew that none of them were different people, which just made me feel crazier.

I think it's normal to some extent. Most people have one or two.... Think of your "phone voice" or how most people are one person at work and may act differently at home or out with friends. But (pure speculation with no medical backing)... I think under stress, extreme situations, etc... Our versions go farther, have to be more separated & more effective to each purpose.

Now, I have fewer of them, and each is becoming less separated, like they're melding slowly... I think/hope any therapy no matter which version of you is heard by all of them, even if it doesn't resonate until later.

 

[Jane.l]

@Pencil thank you - that was really kind and helpful of you

@Viosinger yes it feels crazy

My theory and it's just an idea is that when I have suffered trauma in the past and throughout adulthood I have just distanced and numbed myself to it , dusted myself down and reinvented a new version of me so that I can avoid dealing with anything emotionally because it happened to a different me .

The thing is because I never dealt with it it's still there which was ok till ptsd appeared. - so I think the different 'me's' maybe different reinventions that don't fit together because they are all carrying a different buried trauma - including somewhere my childhood traumas but I don 't feel there is a little me but I am so good at avoiding I suppose there could be - anyway just a theory not sure if makes sense - would love your opinions

 

[scout86]

Pencil, that makes some sense. I'll have to look into it further.

Jane.I, I've wondered too, about what you asked about how this relates to how therapy works. It's my best guess, based on my own experience, that "everybody" learns stuff at the same time. Because I think what this is is some kind of manifestation of the "real you" (or "me"). I seem to be finding, as I work through stuff and gain understanding, that the extremes are usually less extreme than they've been in the past. But, I don't think I know enough about this to know, at least not yet.

 

[Saedhilian]

I do not think you are the only one. I can relate to what you are describing, although perhaps not as severely as being unsure "who I will be" tomorrow or the next day.

For me what happens is that sometimes I will feel as if I am not myself and reacting to things presently in ways that I reacted to things in previous abusive situations. This is how I explained it to my therapist, and you may or may not find that this is how it is with you:

I have a lengthy trauma history that endured for about 10 years, what with being in an abusive home environment, a mental health system that was very invalidating, many hospitalizations, etc. From what I have been able to determine, it seems as if I have sort of compartmentalized all of those different things and I look at it like partitions on the computer. Sometimes things will happen (hearing a certain phrase, tone of voice, the way somebody speaks to/interacts with me, visual cue, or some other sort of trigger) that will cause me to sort of slip into the self that I was during the time of whatever trauma I am reminded of. It can be very alarming when this happens because I don't like many of the "selves" that I was at those times; those "selves" were, I believe, how I adapted to traumas that were occurring.

What I do when I start feeling like "another me" is trying to participate in an activity that I do frequently in the present (watching a TV show that I enjoy now but did not watch in the past, playing my MMO, reading whatever book I'm currently into). This sometimes helps me to engage in the present time and snap me out of "past trauma mode." It doesn't always work for me, but is helpful now and then.

I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time explaining this to your therapist and hope that s/he is able to understand what you mean soon. Again, I don't think that you are the only one. Wishing you all the best! :)

~Saedhilian

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks saedhilian it's good to know other people understand .

I thought maybe keeping a detailed diary of whats going on with this might help - it feels really random but maybe there are triggers and patterns I can't see .

And already I am 'different ' from yesterday and this is not felt as urgently as it was yesterday - it's so frustrating it's the inconsistency I find so difficult to live with

 

[Saedhilian]

One of the things I find that helps me is having structure and routine, although I do struggle with creating that for myself. I feel like it helps to sort of ground me and differentiate time periods of my life (separation of now from "then"). Journaling is a generally good idea, in my opinion, because it can help one identify their emotions that they may not be thinking about if they didn't write. One thing that I might caution against, though, is don't write about trauma if you aren't feeling stable. It might be good to try and identify triggers, though.

Another thing that helps me is when I have a triggered thought (like a certain phrase comes into my head from when I was in a cult - this is generally very alarming to me and can be a trigger in and of itself, creating a sort of chain) I try to mentally back track and remember what I was thinking, or saw, or whatever that may have sparked that thought. I tend to look at things in a very cause-effect manner. Just stopping and backtracking helps me to break the chain, if you will, so I don't end up spiraling into full trauma mode.

Also, I figure this is worth noting, since I've used the word "trigger" quite a few times in this post:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.9903/
Anthony does a very nice job in the above thread of explaining the difference between a trigger and a stressor. I feel that this can be another thing that's useful to identify when things aren't going well, just to sort of differentiate and not make everything trauma related, if that makes sense.

Again about the journal though, if you do start to use one, don't get too terribly caught up in the details - it can create more stress. At least for me it can.

Hoping all that helps and that you start to feel better soon. :)

~Saedhilian

 

[Jane.l]

@Saedhilian thanks for your advice I hadn't thought about the possibility of writing too much out making it worse but yes I can see that could happen.

Will check out the link thanks for that too

 

[macca]

I wasn't able to answer your post earlier, due to being scattered from going through a very similar thing. Yesterday I woke up feeling "normal" after 6 months of severe symptoms. It is still there today, though I am scared of it changing back again. I actually feel like an "adult", a bit like the me that was around when my kids were younger - and it's really noticeable how different that feels to the last few months, which I think have been driven by my 3 year old part. It is surreal, as this time as an "adult" I know there is a little kid in there, which I've never been aware of before. My first feeling was to try to go into denial about the PTSD, but somehow something in me is not letting me sustain denial this time. Usually, the denial or feeling blocked, is quite strong, and can only be denied when I am actively having symptoms.

My husband told me it is very, very noticeable how different my facial expression is, and the way I'm carrying myself, to how I've been lately. I feel my face is more relaxed, and I'm no longer scanning my environment for danger. I am aware of everything that has happened in the last few months, but I wasn't in charge I don't think. This kind of thing has happened to me several times before. It might be something to do with finally getting validation from my family that I may have been sexually abused at a young age - they've always been very invalidating before on loads of things. It felt good to be validated initially, then I went into a deep depression for a week, and then woke up like this. It's so very weird. I want to stay in this "mode", and hopefully integrate my parts. An interesting discussion with my T coming up next week - if I can manage to "stay".

 

[greenleaf]

This wiki has some helpful things on "Other Specified Dissociative Disorder" -- which doesn't get talked about a lot but apparently is a lot more common than DID.

Link Removed

I found the part at the bottom really helpful; it compares several disorders.
(Having trouble with the word "disorder" being in there right now... if I try to be honest about this, I think my ANP has a lot invested in being "normal" so "disorder" is disturbing to my cognitive setup.)

Also I looked at the DSM 5 and found only a tiny kinda confusing section on OSDD, whereas DID has a long section. However OSDD is supposedly much more common... I am glad some folks (possibly the Dutch, yay Netherlands researchers!!!) are actually paying attention to the reality experienced by some of us.