Hoping

[ColdCalmQuiet]

(accidentally hit the post button) point is i looked up to him big time and he was a much better soldier and person than i was . i remember what that attachment felt like and I can see traces of it in these posts . I think Im in the company of some people that know what im talking about when I say I feel guilty for some reason I cant quite figure out. He had two girls and a wife and I didnt even say a word to them at his funeral cause I felt like i couldnt. I kept thinking that they might ask me if her died quick or if he was in pain and the truth is he didnt die quick, and he was in alot of pain , and he was scared to death and I knew it, and there was no help for him. I know where she is and I been thinking about going to talk to her. its been almost a decade and im back and forth about it. Im not sure it will do her good to see me, and i may just be digging up something she is finally starting to get over. the Idea came from an AA group that I dont quite trust the advice of cause they know nothing about the combat aspect of it. just that i was friends with her husband and she and never came around again after he died. what do yall think ? should i just leave it alone ?

 

[Fargo1]

CCQ, I can't tell you what to do or not... But here is what I did in my similar situation.

One of my buddies died in a pretty terrible way. We were really tight and I had met his parents on several occasions. Due to me being stationed on the opposite side of the country and underway at the time I was unable to attend the funeral, and probably wouldn't have gone even if I could... Anyway, after several years of being torn up about it, I was going to be near their town, so I decided I was going to stop in. So I gathered up all the photos I had of my buddy and I having good times, went to their house and gave a knock. The three of us sat and talked about him, looked a pictures, laughed till we cried, cried because we had too and stayed up all night doing it. In the end, they really appreciated me stopping in, even though it brought up a painful memory. I still talk to them every month...

My two cents to you is if you contact his wife, don't tell her all the bad shit that happened at the end. Talk about the good stuff. Remember him that way.

 

[reddevil1111]

I lost a good friend in combat. Its not easy to remember for me at all. I have nightmares about it still and its been almost what? 20 years... Point is you have to turn it around. Stop feeling sorry for living when so great a guy died. Turn it back around and do something with yourself that would do him proud. Make a serious dent in the world in a good way and do it with the thought that he would have made that dent had he lived. Kind of in honor of his sacrifice. Does that make sense?
Man that comes out of me so easily. I cant say I have done it myself. I feel like a jackass saying it. I try that's about as good as I have done myself.

 

[ColdCalmQuiet]

I do have alot of good stories about him. He was extremely witty, quick to say something nobody expected too. He also carried me about 600 meters one time cause I caught a peice to the lung and I couldnt breath. He was cracking jokes and talking shit cause he knew I was scared but it helped. thanks for the answer, it would be awsome if it turned out that way.

 

[ColdCalmQuiet]

It makes sense. He would have plenty to say to me about this pathetic life I lead. He talked me up alot when i didnt deserve it and he would probably say the same about himself now. I would be ashamed to face him at the moment but thats the point I guess . Its up to me to change that. Its sortof like I need his permission to get on with it when i know that what he would want. It sounds stupid I know but, I may have been using it for an excuse to dwell in the past and continue to make mistakes. I got an appointment at VA in 3 weeks and I figure they will hate to see me coming. I got a mountain of physical issues and i guess atleast that many mental ones too. might as well get this thing rolling. thanks for the post

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

CCQ,

I'm one of the guys who's been dealing with post traumatic stress for a long time. You're far ahead of where guys like Sarg and Jar and Ba and I were at your age. And you've taken your first "Baby Steps" long before we did.. You're gonna hear about those "Baby Step" from most of us on a regular basis because they're gonna take you to a better place.

Go slowly my Brother, and don't beat yourself up when things go wrong. Stay close to your family, and let them know you still care, and are working hard for them as well as yourself.

Dealing with the VA is often very slow and frustrating. But, stay with it. The Vet Centers move much faster with far less red tape. I'm back at my local Vet Center for more counceling cause it helps even after all these years.

SD

 

[Spock]

CCQ: A word about your medical visits. We tend to try and be tough when we're still actively serving; suck it up and move on as we were trained. We have to "fool" ourselves to push forward and carry on. It took me years to acknowledge my combat injuries and the extent of them so I could function well at work. That almost killed me, a few times! Hell, even on my highly detailed PTSD [CAPS] evaluation I didn't give myself proper credit for nightmares and some things.

My point is that when you go through these medical evals, since they set a baseline for your medical records and disabilities, this is the most important time to give yourself credit for the load of pain you've been carrying for a long time now. I'm not saying to lie, I'm saying to stop and really assess before you go in all of your pain levels are and what all hurts. You know when they ask you to ID your pain from 1 to 10, in denial and full of adrenaline you might have said 3 or 4 before but the fact is when you really evaluate things now, it is a 6 or 8. Just think on it for each injury.

Also, they're gonna focus on how your injuries relate to your ability to work. It is not like a medical fitness medical evaluation, it is about a civilian employment evaluation. So, relate things to your ability to enter a workplace and how difficulty with anger, sleeping, commuting, headaches, noise, etc affects your ability to hold employment. Error on the side of worst case scenario in this exercise, not best case. Save that for when you're ready to tackle things head-on again.

Good luck...stay safe

 

[Spock]

OBTW...it is obvious that your honesty has touch us all deeply. I can see that in the responses from your battle buddies here. Many of us are helped ourselves because we get to help folks like you by sharing our combined experience in these matters. Welcome to the family again.

 

[Spock]

CCQ, I can't tell you what to do or not... But here is what I did in my similar situation.

One of my buddies died in a pretty terrible way. We were really tight and I had met his parents on several occasions. Due to me being stationed on the opposite side of the country and underway at the time I was unable to attend the funeral, and probably wouldn't have gone even if I could... Anyway, after several years of being torn up about it, I was going to be near their town, so I decided I was going to stop in. So I gathered up all the photos I had of my buddy and I having good times, went to their house and gave a knock. The three of us sat and talked about him, looked a pictures, laughed till we cried, cried because we had too and stayed up all night doing it. In the end, they really appreciated me stopping in, even though it brought up a painful memory. I still talk to them every month...

My two cents to you is if you contact his wife, don't tell her all the bad shit that happened at the end. Talk about the good stuff. Remember him that way.

Just my opinion, but that was great stuff Fargo. I was hoping someone would highlight being positive. Well done!

 

[Zenmaster1]

Hi CCQ,

Isn't it great to be able to discuss crap with people that understand and have been in your shoes?
I guess the main thing to remember is that you are not alone in your struggle. This is a great place to just let it out without being judged, and everyone is here to help.

I know I put alot of effort into trying to forget the crap I hae seen and went through, the brothers and friends that have died andmy experiences. Sometimes though, it is good to re-live the past when we are ready and grab the "beast" by the balls.

Sometimes the feeling is overwhelming that that it can't get better, but it does, little by little, day by day, year by year.

My advice? If she is not actively asking you questions about your friend, then you should not persue the issue with her.
She may not be ready yet to discuss it. Also, you yourself might not be ready either.

 

[JarHed]

Hey CCQ

The beauty of this place is that you can say what's on your mind. I too have friends that I lost and I think about them a lot even though I'm a 'Nam vet and it was a long time ago. In a way my mission became to try and have the best life that I could because they couldn't. Hasn't always worked out that way, but I think you know what I mean.

Jar

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

CCQ,

A few years back the wife of one of my guys who was KIA contacted me wanting to know if I was with her former husband the night he died. She'd been happily re-married for many years, and was still very interested in what happened on that night.

The arned forces doesn't provide a lot of information to family, and much of what they give is not accurate. My contact with her helped us both a great deal.

As the guys have already said, don't bombard her with information. She'll let you know how much she wants to hear.

Don't force it. Contact her when you're ready. It's another one of the "Baby Steps".

SD