Hoping

[ColdCalmQuiet]

First off I would like to say that I have spent a long time not talking about this and even though I've already stated this a couple times, I cant help but try to make sure you guys understand what it means to me to be able to get this stuff off my chest . Not only that but any time I have ever made an attempt to talk about this stuff I had to remove all the elements that make it as horrible as it really is to keep it civil (civilian), and to keep me from falling to pieces in front of anybody. the fact that Im not visible to yall is a buffer but what really makes it easy is that I feel like Im talking to the right people, and for that there is no substitute. I was helped to make a decision early this morning to go see Rhoades wife and I cant thank yall enough for helping me muster the guts to confront those memories.
I called this morning with the same number he had six years ago and his father answered the phone. Apparently after he was killed his parents sold their house up north and moved two houses down from her on the same street. He said she was out shopping and would be back in a few. Him and his wife were there with the kids. I said , I was thinking about stopping by to talk to her, and that she knows who I am. I remembered how to get there even though its been a while and things look alot different. It took me about 40 mins to get there. I parked next to the street and walked down the drive. I was about to ring the doorbell when I heard a car pulling in behind me. I turned and looked and saw it was her. she grabbed her stuff and stood up outside the door and realized who I was. she then threw everything in her hands in the driver seat and ran down the walkway to hug me. She was laughing , crying , and trying to talk at the same time. I couldnt believe how exited she was to see me, I had imagined it being awkward and quiet and I was wrong. I helped her grab some bags and carry them inside. As soon as I went through the door there he was , on a table in the living room was a picture of Rhoades, from a halo Jump and a SF tab glued to the frame. I helped take stuff out of bags and then we all went to the living room. She made me feel a little stupid asking me why I never came around and what I had been up to, and I went like that for a while. I could have brought the apology up sooner but it wouldnt come out. Finally after all the small talk i started with , LOOK Im sorry that i didnt come around after he died , but i was having a hard time holding it together. I also didnt want anyone to think I was over here for the wrong reasons. She started talking about how bad a shape she was in after he died and how long it took for her to get where she could leave the house. His parents explained that they pretty much took care of things and that she was incapacitated for about 5 months. She said she knew about the problems I had before I was retired and asked me if it had anything to do with Rhoades and I said it did partly but it was a compilation of things that caused one big disaster.
Then the question that I have avoided this whole time popped out after she said, you were there when it happened right ? I said yea I was sitting right behind him. Then she said, well what exactly happened ? And I just told her that he had his window down and the wound was more of a cut than a hole and it just wouldnt stop bleeding, it only lasted a few seconds and he seemed not to be scared , he just had this look on his face like he was thinking and then he was gone. She knew I toned it down alot either because I was starting to shake and get upset , or I didnt think she needed to hear it. I dont know If what I did could really be considered a lie. There was no way I could have told her the truth. There is no way she wanted to hear it like she may have thought she did. The truth is that his throat exploded all over the radio , and the dash and windsheild and I reached up around him and tried to hold it closed but it was bad. when the vehicle stopped i ran around to his door but i knew he was gone, I knew there was no fix for this. All I could do is hollar and scream. I turned to fire into the buildings where it came from and all I saw kids in the windows. I figure that was their insurance to keep us from returning fire cause that how they operate. People think they are brave and all heart but the truth is that they are a bunch of f*cking cowards that use kids and women for human sheilds and wont identify themselves cause they know what they got coming. I started doing things that might be considered biased after that and if not for the fact that we came home when we did, im sure i would have ended up doing something to try and lower their moral the way they did my team and probably ended up dead or in prison. I know I will never get the chance to get them back for it and its so hard to let go. To them he was just one of us, but I loved him like a brother, and I made sure she knew that and why before I left. they offered me lunch but I lied about an obligation cause I felt like that was enough for one day. She gave me all his guns before I left cause she said she has no use for them and his parents dont want her around them. The visit brought back some awful feelings but on the way home it was like my lungs were able to fill all the way for the first time in forever. Thats wahat let me know it was a good decision because i felt better from it. Its because of the people on this site that I was able to face something I have feared for 10 years, and for that, I thank you all from the very depths of my soul and I hope you all have, or will have the chance to know that" while im not there yet," Im on my way to being free from the hate and anger and guilt. Thank you all so much. JON

 

[JarHed]

Hey JON

Quite a post. I'm very moved by what you wrote. You've open the doors so there's no going back now. It's OK, these are the 'wounds' that we carry with us always. I think you helped someone in a way that only you could have. Well Done.

Jar

 

[ColdCalmQuiet]

thanks Jar
Its amazing to think about, not once did I feel regret before a mission or after, not that I wasnt scared. Ive got 2 bullet holes and a few shrap wounds and nothing , has ever scared me as much as the thought of what happened today. It may have been too early but its done. She is texting my wife right now, I would say thats a sign she is ready to come out of her shell.

 

[reddevil1111]

I am glad it went well. Maybe both of you can heal a bit from it. Good going brother!

 

[Fargo1]

Well done CCQ. One of the things you have to learn to stop doing is beating yourself up (I've been working on this myself for years and am not there yet). Don't sweat the 'lie' you told her about that night. She doesn't need to know all the blood and gore to grieve (FFS neither do you!).

I've recommended it before somewhere on here, but your post brought it back to my mind. There is a book Dead Link Removed, by Karl Marlantes. I recommend that you and your wife read it...

 

[Spock]

Jon...seems you might try journaling or making recordings to let out your thoughts. Many vets write as a form of therapy. There are some threads in here about art therapy.

 

[bemental]

Definitely a moving story and I'm stoked to hear that everything went well. I'm honestly impressed that the lot of us throwing a few words up on the forums turned into you visiting the family. Good on you.

...my offer still stands brother. Even through you're some sort of special forces Army cat, this Marine would be honored to lend a hand if ever required.

 

[bemental]

CCQ, regarding your buddies, the guilt, the remorse - I've got you covered there. I managed to hide and subdue the pain and symptoms so well that I was able to make it through a (4 year) commissioning program (after 7 years of enlisted grunt time) where I went to college on active duty, mentored some NROTC kids, got through OCS, commissioned (commissioning physical!!!) TBS and the Infantry Officers Course, to FINALLY stand in front of my platoon... only to be MEDEVAC'd on deployment for these very issues - all in the name of pride and guilt, of those brothers we've lost.

I've written about it before, but it boils down to what others have said as well: if the situation was reversed, if you were the one who gave it all and were able to look back at your buds who are alive and struggling, wouldn't you want them to live life to the fullest?

Switching gears:

I'm not saying to lie, I'm saying to stop and really assess before you go in all of your pain levels are and what all hurts. You know when they ask you to ID your pain from 1 to 10, in denial and full of adrenaline you might have said 3 or 4 before but the fact is when you really evaluate things now, it is a 6 or 8. Just think on it for each injury.

This is great advice.

It truly boils down to a matter of perspective, and each one of us has varying tolerances for pain. Obviously our pain scales coming from the 'suck it up' community are skewed, but even so it's the provider's scale (read: a civilian scale) that we've got to work on.

If we (the service members) had a scale it'd be 0-1. 0 is 'OK' and 1 is 'really messed up'.

Quick example, a buddy of mine lost both of his legs to an IED (EOD). His original claim didn't have TBI because his headache pain, while chronic, wasn't severe enough (mind you, this was back in 2005 and from the date of his injury to discharge was less than 12 months, he was just recently awarded everything he rates). The other shoe dropped, so to speak, when a provider noticed he was reporting pain levels (numbers) lower than would be expected for someone who got their bell rung that hard. What it boiled down to was that on his PERSONAL pain scale, a '10' was losing his legs, so OF COURSE a simple headache was only a 2-3.

Also, they're gonna focus on how your injuries relate to your ability to work. It is not like a medical fitness medical evaluation, it is about a civilian employment evaluation. So, relate things to your ability to enter a workplace and how difficulty with anger, sleeping, commuting, headaches, noise, etc affects your ability to hold employment. Error on the side of worst case scenario in this exercise, not best case. Save that for when you're ready to tackle things head-on again.

Again, and I can't speak to this point enough, it's about awareness. Your awareness. Regardless of the treatment plan you eventually come up with (therapy, medications, meditation, acupuncture, WHATEVER) knowing your limitations, your symptoms, triggers and situations that set you off, and what happens when you do fly off the handle... that awareness is information, and information is power - especially for the loved ones in your life who currently "don't understand" - but most definitely critical information to provide to the VA when getting evaluated since their main focus is on your ability to reintegrate back into society and work as a civilian.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

CCQ,

Well done my Brother. Welcome to the road back. Glad to have you with us.

SD

 

[Spock]

That rocks Jon! Good for you. Keep going...

 

[Jimmy1]

It makes sense. He would have plenty to say to me about this pathetic life I lead. He talked me up alot when i didnt deserve it and he would probably say the same about himself now. I would be ashamed to face him at the moment but thats the point I guess . Its up to me to change that. Its sortof like I need his permission to get on with it when i know that what he would want. It sounds stupid I know but, I may have been using it for an excuse to dwell in the past and continue to make mistakes. I got an appointment at VA in 3 weeks and I figure they will hate to see me coming. I got a mountain of physical issues and i guess atleast that many mental ones too. might as well get this thing rolling. thanks for the post

Welcome CCQ,

The only person who can change your life is you, you just said that. The world is full of stories of people that overcame adversity to have a better life. It's a personal choice I think. I struggle all the time to come up with a reason for being here.

I just finished filling out a hospital admission form (going in for another procedure). I had to list the past surgeries I have had and I had to attach a separate piece of paper so I could put them all on it . The same goes with the medications section. It made me sit back and think what a f*cked up unit I am.

My grandfather is my role model and I have not talked about him before. My mother says I am so much like him. He fought in WWII, came home and did not stop. He busted his hip when he was 96 teaching someone to bowl. They put him in a wheel chair. This did not stop him either, he ended up bowling from the wheel chair. I reckon he would have lasted for years more if it wasn't for a blood clot.

I often think he would tell me off for how I talk about myself and for what I have let myself become, but then again he would understand. My mother thinks he lived with 'The Beast' but he never let it get him down.

Don't be ashamed of yourself mate, and your really good friend would accept you as you are. Maybe you need some closure, maybe you need to go see his wife, but remember the good times and fun times, maybe write her a letter or email, that way you can edit it, until it's right.

I understand the guilt feeling, I think we all do.

Have you thought about contacting the 1SG?

 

[bemental]

CCQ,

The forums have been meandering their way through my subconsciousness over the past few days and I've been returning to your post specifically, if only because I can relate all too well. While I'm nearing the end of a chapter of my journey, and I finally begin to 'understand' my current limitations and realize the innumerable hacks, workarounds and compromises I've made to get through my everyday life, I started to ponder how it is I found myself here... that's where you come in.

Are you keeping a journal or log of symptoms and things you're experiencing for medical purposes?

While I generally keep a diary of everyday stuff that happens (I use my iPhone and typically attach a picture to my daily entries to help jog my memory, app even adds location and weather data as well, called Day One, highly recommend), I find that keeping a running list of medically-related issues (my head hurts, my vision is blurry, I fell over) especially at the beginning, is overwhelmingly helpful later on when you're trying to nail down exactly, as the title of a similar thread states: "What the fcuk is going on".

In my situation, after I was MEDEVAC'd I started keeping my journal (sometimes referred to for singular symptoms or problems as a 'headache log' or a nightmare journal, etc), I found that context, while helpful, will come with time and that even a statement with a date/time stamp such as "At 2050 when driving home from dinner I started to get a raging headache" is a great start. I now know that in that particular case the headache was probably from the bright lights of oncoming cars and rapid changes in light/dark/light/dark of driving, but before I had no idea.

Same goes for mood/mental health as well. I've got many a log entry, especially the early ones, that aren't specific but are equally or even more helpful than the specific stuff. Absolutely reminds me of SERE school, something that sticks with me to this day. The bad guys aren't trying to get the whole story from you, they're merely trying to fill gaps in their own intelligence. That's why some piece of information that may seem trivial to you could evoke an "Ah ha!" moment in the enemy's understanding that solves the puzzle, so to speak.

For me this information was personal and I used it to aid my own understanding of my conditions. It allowed me to be "my own best advocate" until I found a provider that I could trust.