Hoping

[ColdCalmQuiet]

Hey BM,
Im sorry I didnt respond to your post right away, I had a couple bad days and I kind of froze up so to speak. I slept in my truck a couple days and wondered around in the woods. it seems to me that things I do that make me seem crazy are the things, I think do me the most good. I think I am better off hiding and allowing myself time to cool off or reset . Only problem is that its not fair to my daughter that I fail to spend time with her when im trying to reset, but I feel like the time spent is higher quality than when im about to come unglued. I heard a similar idea to writing things down a few days ago but only from a mental standpoint and started doing it more like your version but because I think the physical and mental are more related than not and now that I see your doing the same its got me thinking I just need to stick close to you and pay attention because the other guy is a shrink and he never mentioned it the way you did. I dont think I can relate to him the way I can to you anyway cause he has no service record. I began with nothing but the thoughts and then with the physical symptoms . My wife is bad about nosing through my stuff and checking up on me and she got the notepad out of the console in my truck. Some of the stuff she brought up afterwards was stuff I didnt realize was happening, along with the things I wrote down. When I get sharp "migrane like" pains in my head, the muscles around my eyes start to twitch and I get heartburn along with it. It happens when I get stressed out but its some of the weirdest stuff to stress over and i dont realize it at the time. I lost my mind at a stopsign this afternoon cause a car kept tailgating me . I got to one stopsign and they were so close I couldnt see the headlights so I slammed on brakes, they didnt hit me but came close. Next stopsign was the same and this time they start flashing the lights and holding the horn for a long time so I put the truck in reverse and backed into them with it floored and climbed all the way up to the windsheild. I pulled back off them and got out and tried to bust the driver side window with my fist and elbow (didnt work) so I just stood their screaming at them and making threats. The police showed up and they had dead tags, no insurance, and a firearm in the passenger side door panel that Im suprised I didnt get a look at before they did. I got in a little trouble but something I realized is that I was in the truck waiting for the cops to do their thing and I never once thought about how pissed I was at them cause of the situation, I was still mad about her digging in my truck and reading my notepad, so I open the console and to write it down and she didnt put it back (the notepad )and thats when it started. I closed the console and started looking for headache stuff and started having all the facial tics and heartburn. Thats when I realized what I started this post to explain. I am always ill about something and angry to the point that im about to lose it all the time and I have been this way so long that its begun to cause physical tics and health problems . I been this way so long its my most common mode of thinking and Im either furious or about to cry because I feel so guilty and hopeless and worn out from being pissed. I dont know why i am always like this but I think that your idea about writing it all down is a great Idea and it will come in handy when I go to see someone at the VA. I cant say this enough, but when I get online and come to this site, it helps me in some way, every single time and I would have to say that you (Bemental) and your posts are a huge part of it. I cant remember a time when I felt like everything was going to be ok since I became this way, until the first time I came here. Thats a good point about SERE too. I can only hope the people im going to talk to are as good at their job as the people at Camp Mackall, hopefully without the same tactics though. I gained alot of perspective about the kind of things I should record in the journal from your post. Thanks as always.

 

[JarHed]

I have a Olympus digital voice recorder. One of the best things I ever got. It will record for hours and is easy to use. It's small and can fit into your pocket. I carry mine all the time. I can record ideas, things that come to mind to do and just how I feel sometimes. You can use it while you're driving also.

It's good to get away sometimes and the woods is a place that I find calms me. But I'd suggest this, don't just go there to 'get away', go there for the enjoyment of being there also. I know it's hard to wrap your head around all that's happening to you so just try and be patient with yourself and give it some time. Drop me a line is you ever want to just talk.

Jar

 

[BaMuoiBa]

CCQ, Slow down, you have so many pokers in the fire you don't know which to pick up first. When I was first diagnosed I thought "Now I got the answer to all my issues" not so! There is an old saying about how you eat an elephant, answer: one bite at a time. I can identify with a lot of what your thinking as I went through it myself. I was taught it's important to keep you head where your feet are and not get too far ahead of yourself. We're like children when it come to down to it - very impatient.

I think Im in the company of some people that know what im talking about when I say I feel guilty for some reason I cant quite figure out.

I once heard that the problem that really needs your attention the most is the one that give you the most pain (mental anxiety). If you don't like the pain than get the elephant off your foot! My biggest issue for 40+ years was a situation was the death of a sailor carrying out my orders. I say a sailor because from the day it happened till the day I got on the freedom bird my memory was wiped clean a total of eight months. For the next forty years he was a dream the ended in the bottom of a bottle. No name, just a face that repeatedly woke me up in a cold sweat and sent me into a conscious trance when awake. The guilt had me paralyzed but with the help of a therapist I was able to work through it. It me took me about 3 years of research to nail it down - not easy stuff. Do I still deal with it? Yes, a day does not go by that I don't think of that 18 year old man (boy). I now know who he was, where he lived. I spoke with his step-brother and high school friends in a effort to know this fellow who had been in my life for so long. I even found a guy who was there that fatal night who was along side me who I never knew until two years ago. I think I'm at peace with myself and with him but the beast still owns the night - trust me! Who at the age of 20 ( also a boy) would be able to deal with that? Maybe some, obviously not me!

Your on a path that some of us wished we found many years ago. Easy does it but do it! I ask myself "What Important Next" every day in order to WIN the day the best I know how. Most days it clear as the nose on my face, yet, some days there is nothing you can do but "suck it up cupcake" and live for tomorrow. Good luck my friend, your young and you will get through it.

Ba

 

[bemental]

When I was first diagnosed I thought "Now I got the answer to all my issues" not so! There is an old saying about how you eat an elephant, answer: one bite at a time.

I prefer the analogy of the onion and it's many layers being peeled back, but Ba absolutely has the right idea. If there was a single word I would tie to my personal medical journey, it would be Awareness. BUT, being properly diagnosed is such an important first step. Gives you something to lean on, something to identify with... a place to begin your planning and continually launch your attacks from.

I cant say this enough, but when I get online and come to this site, it helps me in some way, every single time and I would have to say that you (Bemental) and your posts are a huge part of it. I cant remember a time when I felt like everything was going to be ok since I became this way, until the first time I came here.

Thank you. Truly means a lot to hear that from you CCQ.

I lost my mind at a stopsign this afternoon cause a car kept tailgating me

This, is one of my triggers. We did a helluva lot of driving in Iraq (story for another time). I've never had the balls to do what you did (I'm more passive aggressive in nature) and back up onto someone's vehicle, and I'm glad to hear you didn't get shot, but I completely understand.

Just remember, these actions must be fleeting, and minimized - for they are definitely not the appropriate behavior in these situations!

so I open the console and to write it down and she didnt put it back (the notepad )and thats when it started.

This is what I wanted to focus on the most because it hits so close to home with me personally. There have been relatively good days where I've been on my way home, or perhaps heading out to meet the wife somewhere, where I've had nothing but the best of intentions to do a particular activity or event. Perhaps it was to get some work done for the college courses I'm taking, maybe to go somewhere with the wife - when all of a sudden something happens that I can't control, something in the environment changes. Perhaps someone judges me counter to what I've been planning to do (wife tells you that you never clean xx around the house when you were JUST about to do it).

I can't tell you whether subconsciously I'm looking for an excuse, or whether it truly does throw me off that much by having the control broken, or the expectations changed, but that sort of thing will send me into a rage like no other (as you said, "that's when it started"). These are what I refer to my "Hulk" moments. The moments when nothing else truly matters, when I feel like I could fitfully and utterly destroy anything in my path, for the fun of it.


What this means to you, I couldn't tell you. The gist of it is, I identify and relate with you so closely that I wanted to let you know that I feel where you're coming from. Whether it's the guilt of your buddy going down or the bouts of anger you experience, I too, LITERALLY, feel your pain.


Please, continue to post, PM me if you'd like to get together sometime. I know the weather just took another turn for the worse, but it'll warm up soon enough and I'm getting pretty desperate to get on my motorcycle and take a cruise.