How an apology works

[Rose White]

I am confused.

If partner and I have a discussion face to face and he ends up saying he’s done with us etc etc...

Then the next day he sends an apology text...

Which I don’t respond to...

Later he calls on the phone... doesn’t reference the apology...asks how my day is going...fine...says he loves me... “love you too” (That was dishonest of me, like a puppet, but there were people around so I didn’t want to get into it.)

Then when he comes home and sees me he never references the apology, but is being all kind.

This morning he hugs me before he leaves. Then I say thank you (not sure what to say) and he says sorry, just that word, and walks out.

I’m confused. That’s not how an apology works!!! :confused:

If someone really wants to apologize, they should do it face to face, acknowledge their behavior, recognize the pain their behavior caused the other person, and be present while the person processes the apology.

If you apologize by text, get no response, and then pretend like everything’s cool—then you are missing the boat and should you be that surprised when the person feels resentful or unattached?!

Ugh ugh ugh.

 

[scout86]

If someone really wants to apologize, they should do it face to face, acknowledge their behavior, recognize the pain their behavior caused the other person, and be present while the person processes the apology.

Does he know that's your idea of how an apology should work? It's a perfectly good definition, but I can see things that might make it complicated for some people.

I don't know anything about him, so, maybe none of this applies.

Apologies can be hard for a lot of reasons. If you're expecting that the apology won't be accepted, but you'll be attacked? And maybe not because of this relationship, but because that's how it's gone in the past. If you have a hard time putting your thoughts into spoken words? (I often have that problem.)

If you believe that an apology by text is acceptable, you send one and don't get a response, I can see how you'd assume your apology was rejected. Then how do you go forward from there? "Very carefully" is what comes to my mind.

It wouldn't surprise me if he feels like he's missed the boat. I'm not sure you guys are even looking at the same boat.

Like I said, I know nothing about him. Maybe you've had this conversation before, he totally understands your idea of an apology, and he's deliberately being a jerk. But, just to throw out a different version of reality, I'd have responded to the text, because I see it as an attempt to bridge a gap, and tried go from there to an actual conversation about whatever the the original problem was.

What evidence is there you see apologies the same way?

 

[Rose White]

I see your point.

I admitted in my post that I lied to him twice (saying I love you and thank you when I didn’t mean it).

I am not communicating well but expecting him to be perfect.

 

[Still Standing]

Your view of an apology as being face-to-face would be the ideal. So I agree with you. However, an apology via email/text is OK, too, if it is somehow addressed the next time there is contact with each other either in real life or on the net or in an old fashioned note or letter. But, an apology is two-sided. It cannot be melded together until both sides have opportunity to respond to it. It cannot be taken for granted that it has been accepted or rejected. This is the deception of communicating via texting and emailing, or even on a site as this. There is no room for understanding the nuances of sincerity or emotion. Writing an apology, when a face-to-face is possible, is an "out" so that the emotions of the situation are all avoided, there is no room for discerning the sincerity of the apology. It has to be taken and trusted at face value. There is no opportunity to read body language or discern voice inflections that may give a different message beyond the written words. It only causes the receiver to assume they understand the real intent of the message. Nor does it give the receiver the opportunity to address it openly. In my opinion it is taking advantage of the receiver, expecting them to accept what is said with no counter reactions, unless, of course, the receiver returns a text or email, expressing their opinion and reaction to the sender. I would probably react by sending a like text back to the person and then informing that there is going to be further discussion later on the matter. Just because someone apologizes does not mean everything is OK and should remain so. This situation sounds like a pattern where you are being taken for granted. He apologizes and you act like it has been accepted when, in fact, it has not. That leaves you frustrated and steaming inside and he thinks he has dodged a bullet and is off the hook. It does not sound like an honest and open relationship, with you being cut off from acknowledging your own feelings in the matter. But, this is only my opinion and I know there probably are other mitigating circumstances in all of this, that would negate what I have shared. I wish you the best and hope you can find a better solution for communication in this relationship.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think the bigger issue is that you don’t love your partner anymore. To me it seems like you’re picking on a smaller issue because you can’t face the fact that your love has died.

 

[scout86]

t only causes the receiver to assume they understand the real intent of the message.

Or it gives them an opportunity to explore things further.

 

[Rose White]

@Still Standing thank you, I agree with what you say, it resonates with me.

@EveHarrington thank you for the honesty. He would agree with you and so would the couples counselor, I think. The angry part of me would agree with you. I keep thinking, “How will I live by myself,” and then I numb or hide or dissociate, avoid, etc.

Ok, let me just write this out in short hand. Everything seemed “fine” in our relationship. Then I had the csa memories surface, stopped having sex, told my mom, she asked my dad if he did it, he said yes, she told him to leave, I tried to recover, my husband couldn’t handle not having sex or me not supporting him the way I used to, he said it was over a bunch of times, I finally agreed with him, now he’s hanging on and begging me to tell him how I feel and I won’t.

I guess it was too much. I guess the love did die. It couldn’t handle the recovery. I remember that night when I ended up taking my ring off he said, “I just want to know one thing, why did you do this to me?”

I wish I had, because then i could stop doing it, but the truth is that I didn’t DO anything to him—I tried to take care of myself and it was a threat to his image of me and his image of himself.

 

[Fadeaway]

I think you are being incredibly unfair to him. Your life isn't the only one whose life has been turned upside down by your memories resurfacing. His world has changed unexpectedly, he is loosing the person he loves. He is probably lost and has no clue about where you are at mentally and emotionally. You admit to being a poor communicator and to lying about your feelings. Give the man a break, just because he didn't apologize the way you think he should have, he did apologize. He is hurting too, have you apologized to him the way you expect to be apologized to? Sorry I sound so harsh, it isn't meant to be, I am just trying see things from both perspectives.

 

[Rose White]

@Fadeaway ok, maybe you are right. Maybe I am being incredibly hard on him.

Maybe I can’t stop being hard on him and that’s not fair to him. He doesn’t deserve that.

 

[scout86]

He would agree with you and so would the couples counselor, I think. The angry part of me would agree with you.

There might be a part of you that isn't angry, huh? And it really doesn't sounds like he's totally committed to giving up, just thinking about it.

All that you've BOTH gone through is hard stuff. You CAN give up on the relationship. Sometimes there really IS too much water under the bridge, no matter what the bridge is. Sometimes, maybe there's something left to save and it's worth the effort. Or it's educational to try.You can quit any day. It's hard to unquit. Since it sounds like you guys are seeing a T, maybe you should give total honesty in therapy a try and see where things land. What could it hurt at this point?

 

[Rose White]

Individual therapist said it’s too soon to know if the love is gone. She said there’s a lot in the table right now. I agreed.

@scout86, yeah giving total honesty a try sounds great! Too bad I’m not able to do that yet! I feel really ashamed that I can’t be open and vulnerable with anybody in the world.

 

[scout86]

Think of it as an experiment? If the couples therapist is any good, it should be safeish to give small things a try