"how Are You?"

[desiderata310]

I'm still a total coward about mentioning any trauma stuff though, even with folks who have always been "nice". I tend to feel like the world will fall apart if I lose my job... I think I should be able to put "dissociation and numbing" as a major job-related skill.

Totally agree.
Currently, I work in a place where for the last 17 years, the person who was in my position hid away in his office and didn't deal with personnel issues. Because those personnel issues have had a negative impact on productivity, I have had to deal with them and a lot of people are resentful. I've had one person quit, I have another who had moved her retirement up and then there is the hostility from still another. In so many ways, work is triggering but the way my head sees fit to deal with it makes me (sadly) really damn good at dealing with it.

kind of off topic but not really. I have one person I actually TRUST at work and he knows basics about the PTSD and a couple of my obvious triggers. I do my best to hide that from the rest of the staff because they see me as very strong and I need that advantage because of the challenges of taking over this new position.

 

[Suzetig]

My T doesn't even ask now @Lucycat, early on in our work she asked, I said I was fine and then spent the next hour in tears - we both decided to dispense with the social nicety bit, greet each other and get settled down to work. This suits me just fine, I can do the superficial "fine" thing with people I work with but don't want to do that with people who matter to me or who are trying to help me get better.

 

[Wyakin]

I say I'm fine. If they know me and want to know how I really am they will ask. I try not assume that those who know what is happening with me always want to know the truth, I figure some days they have their own stuff going on so even if they ask me I always initially answer with "I'm fine," if they want to know more they know they can just ask but if actually they don't want to know that day I don't force the information on them.

 

[y5L]

If they're strangers it's less important. I hate it if I pay for something in a shop and the cashier - who has never seen me before and probably never will again - asks me how my day's going. That, I usually ignore.

That's me. I'm a cashier.

To clarify, I answer my colleagues as honestly as I can. Sometimes it's an aversion- like saying I'm hungry or need more coffee or that I'm glad it's Friday, but I do always answer my coworkers. It's customers that I can't answer. I will "answer" by asking what they'd like today or if I already asked that I'll just nod.

I was thinking about what several people suggested taking a look at- why I bristle at this standard question. I think it's because I know they really don't care. And I have had my fill of people pretending to care.

Even if some of them really did care, there is no way I can tell them the truth- THAT would get me fired. Imagine that... "Oh, I feel like I'm on the brink of a true mental breakdown. It seems like the earth has given way beneath me and I can't stop falling. And it hurts to stand here and smile and hand out bagels. How about you?"

And even if that wouldn't get me fired, I wouldn't trust these random customers with that knowledge of the current fragility of my mind and heart anyway. It's hard enough trusting people who have earned it!

 

[Meadowsweet]

@y5L here's a slightly different perspective to think on. I'm very isolated, so there have been times when I've needed to speak to someone to give me a measure of reality, and I literally had no-one to speak to. I become very dissociated, and when I'm alone it could escalate into reliving trauma quite significantly. So sometimes, I used to grab my bag and walk to the local shop. There the familiar faces of the cashier would smile and make light conversation, like 'is it still raining?', or 'it's a lovely day isn't it', and I'd nod and say, 'yes, it is', we'd say 'thank, you, bye now' and that was it. But it would give me that 20 seconds of grounding that I needed to connect to 'normality' and here and now.

What I'm saying, is that maybe those customers are just like you, they might not need or want a therapy session, but just a quick hello and acknowledgement. For some, you might be the only person they get to speak to, because when they get home again, they have no one, perhaps they have just lost a loved one, perhaps they are being abused or are ill. When you look at a stranger, you don't know what they are going through inside, just as they don't know your turmoil. But sometimes that smile, and light conversation can mean the world. So maybe those customers need you to care enough about them to smile, and say enjoy the rest of your day.

 

[Hashi]

I think it's because I know they really don't care. And I have had my fill of people pretending to care.

Well, I can't say what they really feel. At same time, you can't say what they really feel either - you can only conjecture about it. You can't know.

I suspect they're not pretending to care. I suspect they're being polite and extending you a courtesy - that they care enough to do that.

Fortunately for me, where I am social niceties don't usually extend to cashiers and customers asking each other how they are unless they see each other regularly. With the cashiers in my local shops, who I know, we do the "How are you?" thing in the same way that I do it at work. We're just being nice and we want to maintain a good relationship. We care to the extent of recognising that the other person is a human being.

It strikes me that you seem to be polarising "caring" as being either faked or needing to hear about your mental health status. I think there are a lot of different levels of caring inbetween. The cashiers I see regularly in my local shop care enough to greet me, to let me pay next time if I've forgotten I've got no cash, or to keep the newspaper for me to pick up on Monday if I'm going to be away over the weekend. I don't think them caring beyond that would even be appropriate.

 

[Notsowild]

@y5L...I am going back to work after a three month medical stress leave. So I have the fear of what to say to the "How are you?. I thought I'd say "better" idk. I hope I'm better. I guess to my closer co-workers I'll say more. Nobody is really going to understand my PTSD. I'd like to say "Well I have PTSD and I'm working through trauma therapy to get better". Something like that.

 

[y5L]

Thanks everyone for your comments and helping me get at why I'm so rigid in this area.

I think mostly it feels like too big of a question to answer. I've always had a hard time admitting anything was wrong. So I used to lie to others and myself. Now that the lying is gone, I'm left with the truth, which isn't always appropriate between a cashier and a customer. Today I just told people I should have gone to bed earlier.

@Meadowsweet
A special thanks for your perspective! Though I'm still struggling to answer how I'm doing, your post did come to mind today at work. I was helping a customer who was wringing her hands while she talked. Normally other people's nervous habits make me feel nervous too, but I thought of what you shared and I made myself speak calmly and extra warmly to her. And she seemed to calm down too. That is just one example of how that came up today, but I could share more. So thanks again for helping me take steps in a better direction at work!

 

[Meadowsweet]

Normally other people's nervous habits make me feel nervous too, but I thought of what you shared and I made myself speak calmly and extra warmly to her. And she seemed to calm down too.

Really well done, firstly for overcoming your nervousness in that situation, and also for your kindness towards that lady :tup:, you never know what a difference it might have made.