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Relationship How Big a Breakthrough Are Breakthroughs?

Anon1

Learning
I had a conversation with my ex partner a few days ago.

I suddenly had a brain wave on what had made it hard for them to own their side of things.

Well, to be fair, they‘d told me over a period of time, and I finally joined the dots.

Soon after I asked them about it, they did own their side of things - very thoroughly, and multiple times, and we had a really good conversation.

I think I’ve finally learned which lens I should see a lot of the tough things through - things like power, gender and feeling seen and cared for. I know that’s obvious, but I suddenly clicked that the manifestations of those things were not necessarily be immediately plain, and that it took some thought to identify areas where apparent ‘power’ might lie in situations between us (even if most people probably wouldn’t see it that way).

I felt like we were closer after, and I wondered if this meant that we could bank on an upwards trajectory where they own things far more easily, and where there are big clues for me about where any new problems might arise from (so their outbursts etc may be easier to get to the bottom of now).

They told me that they really feel their Cptsd subsiding for the first time in years, and that they feel much clearer headed than they’ve ever felt before.

In your experience, how big a deal is this really, and is it big enough to warrant pursuing things if all other things are equal?
(I know that bit is up to me, I’m just wondering… does this indicate a big, probably pretty permanent upswing in your experience?)
 
probably pretty permanent upswing

I wouldn’t count on anything being permanent with PTSD. It’s very cyclical, and things could just as easily get ten times worse. You cannot bank on continuing improvement.

That is a common supporter fantasy… the partner being “cured” or getting better. I think we all have that fantasy at some time. It’s a recipe for disappointment though. You have to think more along the lines of if you are happy with the way things are right now, and if you could deal with things if they get even worse and never get better.
 
Thanks for the reply folks, really appreciate it.

Yeah, that makes sense…

I just find it hard to add everything up.

There are so many online resources about how people can get better, and about how relationships are one of the things that heal people.

And there are people here who seem happily married (even if there are challenges, and even if it’s hard sometimes).

Then I see this person, and they’re sooo good at getting regular therapy, and reading, and being disciplined, and really, really trying. They have a support group, they exercise regularly, they eat really well, they’re active in their community. They’ve made things right with their parents, and they’re like… it’s one of the things I really admire and love about them.

But I’ve spoken to therapists who say exactly what you’re saying, and I’ve also seen people discuss the cold hard reality. And I’ve seen stories of people who’s partners of twenty years have just kinda… gone…

I find it very hard to add the two positions together, where on the one hand there’s so much hope, and on the other it’s cyclical and progress probably isn’t lasting progress etc…
 
In your experience, how big a deal is this really, and is it big enough to warrant pursuing things if all other things are equal?
(I know that bit is up to me, I’m just wondering… does this indicate a big, probably pretty permanent upswing in your experience?)
in my own experience, it is best to put away all measuring devices and simply be grateful for the moment of enlightenment. is it equal? will it endure? etcetera? etceteri? my humble place in the universe does not have access to that information. simple gratitude for the moment of enlightenment allows the realization to chart its own course in its on time and speed.

i just let the mystery be.
 
in my own experience, it is best to put away all measuring devices and simply be grateful for the moment of enlightenment. is it equal? will it endure? etcetera? etceteri? my humble place in the universe does not have access to that information. simple gratitude for the moment of enlightenment allows the realization to chart its own course in its on time and speed.

i just let the mystery be.

That’s a lovely way to approach things - and probably very healthy, I imagine!

To be with this person, I’d have to move back to their city (I moved back to my home city after we broke up, because it was just too painful to be there, and I had an easy way to do it).

I think I ought to force nothing, rush into nothing, and see what unfolds.

Jumping in on purpose is probably going out of my way to have a really difficult time, deliberately.

I think the absolute world of them, and I want to be there for them in any way that I (appropriately, safely) can, but a romantic relationship and possible marriage? Hmmm… not one to rush into.

But if life takes me back to their city - and it might - and if we’re in love, and it just *has* to happen, well… who am I to argue? We’ll perhaps ride the wave, and we’ll make it beautiful somehow!

I suppose we’ll see what unfolds as the weeks go by.
 
I could write a book with all of the "breakthroughs" I've had that came to absolutely nothing. Breakthroughs aren't breakthroughs if they don't turn into actions.
Would you mind if I ask - are you a supporter or someone with PTSD/CPTSD? Just curious of the context!
 
I find it very hard to add the two positions together, where on the one hand there’s so much hope, and on the other it’s cyclical and progress probably isn’t lasting progress etc…
Both are very true.

If you can hold 2 equal/opposite possibilities in your mind, at once? You can make a good decision as to whether you can enter a battle knowing you can win OR lose? That it’s not as simple as assured victory, or certain defeat? You can make the right decision for yourself but that still won’t determine the outcome, nor anyone else’s decisions about what is best for themselves.
 
Both are very true.

If you can hold 2 equal/opposite possibilities in your mind, at once? You can make a good decision as to whether you can enter a battle knowing you can win OR lose? That it’s not as simple as assured victory, or certain defeat? You can make the right decision for yourself but that still won’t determine the outcome, nor anyone else’s decisions about what is best for themselves.

That makes sense - so, it’s a bit like sailing a boat in a sea storm:

Expect the bad, but know that it can be good if you have the right partnership, a bit of skill and a bit of luck; and it helps if you don’t mind getting wet now and then/getting a close up of the sea now and then, too!

Is that fair?
 
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