How can a psychiatrist help me?

[MyWillow]

Ok I didn't realise that. I've never met a psychiatrist that incorporated therapy. If they are then that's great.

Yep. I’ve been seeing her for 5 months now. Extremely experienced trauma psydoc. No meds. I consider myself extremely fortunate.

And the trick is, when you see someone this good, the poor coping skills drop off. No SI, self harm since I started seeing her and the alcohol intake is reducing too. She never makes a big deal about any of that. It’s more about slowing things down, educating me and helping me manage the dissociation and flashbacks better so I don’t feel the need.

 

[MyWillow]

Yesterday’s session was more focussed on stabilisation. How going on leave made me feel. Relieved. Frightened. How much I told my boss and how he gave me more leave than I asked for. How I took control of letting people in the office know I was taking leave.

She then asked me what I remembered of last week’s session and how it felt for me. That was tough but necessary. She named it as body memories.

When I told her I can’t figure out how to find that middle ground - avoid, avoid, avoid or face everything head on - she said there is no middle ground. We can only set it to one side in the knowledge we will come back to it. I really felt myself drifting so I stood up in attempt to ground myself. After a bit she asked if I could lie down because my blood pressure was dropping. That didn’t feel safe so she rearranged the chairs so I could sit in a recliner.

It was interesting how changing where we sat mixed things up just enough. I was still light headed so was probably rambling a bit but it meant I just said stuff that came up. We talked a bit more about last week, her follow up phone call and what she did that was helpful. The same themes kept coming up: safety, no expectations, rest. So that’s my homework this week.

 

[MyWillow]

My psydoc and I are discovering just how easily I can be triggered. I’m not even sure if we made it through the first 10 minutes - checking in, managing expectations and rest. How I still feel flummoxed by the dissociation and flashbacks and anxiety over the last few years. How it’s just not me. Like I dont even know what those things mean in relation to myself. She agreed that it has been a very frightening experience. She is really good at normalising my response.

Something she said about teaching me to reflect and mentalise and review. Started to dissociate and then apparently that morphed into a panic attack. As I felt able I tried to communicate what was happening - she asked if it was her tone of voice....no I don’t think so...it was something about her verbalising what it was I needed. And it felt very dangerous. Like the shit was about to hit the fan. Dangerous as in severe fire warning dangerous. Life threatening. We spent the rest of the session just trying to accept the story my body is trying to tell me. Reminding me that I am safe. I told her the things I achieved this week that encompassed lack of expectation and rest. I told her how my partner inadvertently triggers me too - rage, tears, flashbacks. How I need to communicate that it’s not about him. Ugh.

I don’t understand it. I’m not frightened by the panic attacks per se. That’s just a physiological response. But not understanding the triggers concerns me. She reassured me that she is a “psychological detective” which made me laugh. That we will get to the core of it in time. I was concerned that these “minor” triggers are slowing my progress and she said that’s her responsibility not mine. She also said that as awful as they are, the body needs to tell the story and every panic attack I experience is one less. That really made me laugh out loud. What a funny way of putting it. She is delightful. I like how open and honest she is. Never claims to know everything.

I was much more shaken than I realised once I stood up. Went for a very, very slow walk in the sunshine until I felt capable of driving. So weary now but curling up with my dogs and cats is helping.

 

[MyWillow]

Still feeling exhausted after last Friday’s session - as in it took me 5 attempts to plant a shrub yesterday because I was so light headed and had to keep having a lie down. It’s so not me so I’m working on accepting whatever my body is throwing at me.

I wasn’t overly looking forward to Equine T session today - tired, teary, headache - but it was actually ok. I warned her that I was super trigger happy so we talked a little about my psydoc sessions/triggers and physical responses and how I was coming to terms with what was going on.

We worked with a bigger herd. A beautiful chestnut (my T’s horse) started nibbling on another horse’s poo which led her to wonder out loud what message he was reflecting back to both of us. The responses I came up - eg I’m sick of this shit - left us in fits of laughter which was SUCH a nice change. The pony started stirring one of the geldings and there was a lot of kicking between them - to the point where we moved the pony into another paddock. Then the herd settled and we kept talking, until one of them - who I’ve interacted with quite a bit - walked straight up to me, nuzzled my hand, said a brief hello, had a face rub and then walked past so I would scratch him in his favourite place behind his rear legs. Such a funny boy, my T said he does that to very few people. Spent some time with a few of the others and then my T suggested I try leaning on/across a horse of my choice. I chose the chestnut. He was strong, relaxed, curious and really helped me be in the moment. The warmth and smell and touch, I don’t think I’ve had that much air in my lungs for a long time. Going to hold on to that sense of regulation for as long as I can.

 

[MyWillow]

I suggested to my psydoc that we just talk about the weather to avoid triggering me. She said we could do that if I wanted to. Draining session. She re-checked symptoms. Asked if I was sad. Dunno. Partner thinks so. Asked if I’d lost weight. Dunno. People think so. I’ve always felt like this. I’m just not as good at hiding it at the moment. She said I’m very, very unwell. That was tough to hear. Especially when the world thinks I look fine therefore I am fine. We agreed on a blood test and immediate start on Zoloft. That’s a huge step. I have been very resistant. I felt overwhelmed that she gave a shit. My mum told me that 2 medical specialists had strongly suggested I see a psychologist as a kid. My psydoc asked at what age. 7 and 12 I think. I gather my dad said no. I wish my mum had had the guts to follow through so I didn’t have to deal with this shit now. My psydoc said she wished she had too.

 

[ILoveLife]

I hope the Zoloft helps :hug:
Dealing with stuff is hard, but you're doing it and it will get easier to handle :hug:

 

[MyWillow]

Thanks @Sietz :hug:

I always just think if I try harder things will be better.

 

[MyWillow]

My equine T squeezed in another session for me this week which was a nice surprise. She said I looked a bit more settled. I told her that was the drugs lol. My heart seems to have stopped pounding outside my chest all the time. I didn’t know it was until it wasn’t. I’m kinda exhausted - months of waking up in a panic to catch up with.

I told her I feel like fishing line that’s a tangled mess and I don’t know where the start or end is. Or where the fish hooks will dig in, she added. Yup. That’s about right.

The same horse picked me out again today. As I connected with each horse he followed me and wanted more attention. Which was fine until he got a bit pushy and I asked him to stop. Which led to a discussion about boundary setting. About how people wanting stuff from me is ok until it’s not. My T asked me to pick a horse and just think consciously about boundary setting whilst I was interacting and to come back when I was ready. I approached the same horse and after several minutes of stroking and moving with him and thinking about boundary setting I returned to my T. I felt sick with fear at the thought of setting boundaries. I was struggling to explain it but she say it makes sense. The horse, meanwhile, was having a sand roll and a shake like he was shaking off all my emotions.

She noted I was drifting quite a bit and suggested I ground myself by returning to the horse and laying over his back. Which I did as a rain shower started. I rested on him and breathed in his beautiful wet horse scent. I even closed my eyes. I returned to my T and we reflected how still he had remained when he is normally quite restless. Then he approached me as if to say “we aren’t finished” and licked and nuzzled my neck. It was the strangest experience. Very reassuring. Like he was saying “it’s going to be ok.”

 

[Abstract]

That is amazing.

 

[MyWillow]

I haven’t posted here for a while...still seeing my psydoc weekly (apart from her being 3 weeks on leave) and my equine T every 2-3 weeks. Just so many triggers it’s hard to put into words. I have a great team thank goodness. This week my equine T worked with me to “allow space” for the flashbacks and associated feelings of terror instead of stuffing it down. She kept talking to keep me connected whilst the panic and terror and tears kept washing over me. We used body awareness and the senses and laughter to bring me back. I spent some time connecting with the most beautiful mare who I was terrified would reject me several months ago. When I lifted my head the herd had encircled us. It was like a protective force field. I know they had my back. I’ve already used that image to ground me the last few days.

Work is demanding and rewarding. I am very fortunate.

 

[Cypress]

It sounds like you have an excellent therapist, very skilled and caring. I wish all of us on this forum had access to trauma therapy like this.

My therapist is also a psydoc, so I know there are at least a few out there that do more than med management.

 

[knuckles]

So much of what you have written about your struggles with understanding and accepting the symptoms you experience - and especially the lack of awareness of anything "bad" happening - has so often ressonated within me. Not because I have experienced the exact same symptoms, but because the way you have described your confusion and reluctance/resistance often seemed to echo within me - letting me find words and descriptions that seem to help shed some light on my own murky mess.

Thank you for sharing MyWillow, and best wishes to you