How Can I Help My Boyfriend Understand?

[KimmerM]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a about 2 and half months now. I have had 3 emotional breakdowns since then. Last night being one of the worsts. He is struggling to understand how to help me calm down and cope with it. I know he is having a hard time dealing with and he can't always be there to hold me and tell me it is ok. Last night he sounded angry and he was out with his friends and I was here at home basically breaking down and feeling totally lost. I would like to help him learn to help me but I fear this will push him away. My fear is losing him due to PTSD. He is an amazing guy and I see more with him but how can I help him understand. Please help guide me.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Hi KimmerM, I hope you're feeling better today.

I've found the best way to have someone help you is to tell them what you need. I've learned over time with my friends that when I'm feeling well, this is key, I need to tell them what it is I need when something goes wrong.

Easier said than done I know. For the longest time I didn't know what I needed, that was the worst part. Ultimately what I've learned what's helped me best is having them NOT over react. Have them remind me to breathe, and distract me and themselves. I hate making and feeling like I'm making a scene. If we're at a house I have them put on a funny movie. In a car put on catchy music. Out in public to take a walk. And when I'm on my own? Angry loud music and exercise lol music really helps me if it has a good beat, angry rock music for some reason does it for me

Everyone is different, and different things help.

But it really REALLY helps if you give them tools to help you. Tell them what you like and what you don't. Because when you're upset they panic mot knowing what they can do for you.

I wish I could give you more help, but I hope this helps.

 

[KimmerM]

Yeah my friends really don't know what to do.

And as for my boyfriend is wanting to learn how to help. I was breaking down and I kept telling him to change the subject and to talk rather then listen to me sob. He doesn't like hearing that I am or seeing that I am. He is very wonderful for that. My friends always have told me to just get over it and move on. My story for my PTSD is my profile but it is hard but I have made progress on getting better and loving life. You have helped when wanting to let know what they should do to help. Everyone hasn't really known what to say or do. I hate getting I am so sorry that happened but I don't know what to say. I would be rich if I asked for a penny everytime I have heard that.

But Thank you it will be very helpful!

 

[99Phoenix99]

Honestly for your boyfriend (BF) I would explain to him why it is you want him to change the subject when you're upset. I'm not really sure but to me it sounds like the combination of his voice and a distraction are soothing for you. And that'll ultimately help you better. For his benefit you can tell him (that is if you want) that after he's done as you asked, after you feel like you're in a place where you feel better, you can explain to him what's going on.

But only after he's helped calm you down. Because I don't know about you, but it's really hard for me to even talk when I'm triggered. I just can't process things normally. It's like one of those moments when you accidentally stick your hand in fire, it's instinctual that you jerk it out of the fire. When you get upset when triggered it's instinctual. The brain processes a threat in a split second and you act accordingly without conscious thought. It's conditioning if you will.

And it sucks. Because I get the "I don't know what to say/or how to help you" a lot too. I struggle with that even after coming up with contingency with my friends to help me out.

In any case I'm glad I could help, even if it was just a little bit :)

 

[KimmerM]

You have helped!

My boyfriend is someone who is soothing for me. He has helped and I talked to him about what you mentioned and he feels better with trying to help me when I have those moments. I know the other night when he and I were going to sleep I just turned away from him because I started to breakdown at that moment out of the blue and he just pulled me closer and told me to let it all out and tell him what I was thinking at that very moment and I opened up and he is held me tight and said he didn't know what to say and he simply said that he would be there when I break down and that he hates seeing me like that. I know he will learn in time and he wants to which is good.

So Thank you for the insight! :happy:

 

[99Phoenix99]

That's really great! I hope things only get better from here! :)

 

[Margot820]

I think being really open with him is the best idea. At times it may seem hard because you feel you are being a burden to him but if he is worth it and you guys have a strong relationship that is the only way to grow. Sometimes when i tell my boyfriend about how i feel i get ashamed or embarassed because I feel that I have said the same thing to him over and over again (me not being able to trust people and being scared of being left) but after I say something and get it out I always feel better. :)

 

[Bodacious]

I have been in my relationship for 11 months. I have Bipolar II, PTSD, and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). I am a veteran as well and military people do and think differently any was. My boyfriend is a civilian and has not ever been around anyone in the military more less some one with all my disabilities. He pulls away when I am struggling with my symptoms.

The Bipolar II and TBI are stable but it is my PTSD symptoms that keep me on edge. I can go a few months and our relationship makes me happy but then out of the blue I feel miserable in our relationship. He is not an emotional person and wont tell me how he feels about me.

For example today he told me he is not going to change that I should just see what he does to prove to me he loves me and isn't going any where. He never wants to get married and has never been married and he is 36. Oh and has never even lived with a girlfriend and has no plans on ever living with me as far as I know. This worries me and makes me feel insecure. I feel like he wont ever commit fully to me and that makes me feel even more insecure with our relationship.

I had been single for almost 5 years when he found me and I did not want to date him but for months he emailed, emailed, emailed, and then finally when he ran into me in person he wanted to eat dinner and would not take no for an answer. After dating for 3 weeks I called it off but only to call him a week later and explain. That is when I opened up to him and told him about my Bipolar II, PTSD, and had not yet been diagnosed with TBI.

That was 10 months ago and he is still with me. He did take a few weeks to process what I had told him and he said as long as I stay on medications (meds) and seeing my therapist he wasn't going any where. My meds and therapy only can do so much and I am hoping now that I found this forum it will fill that void of not ever having anyone in my life that understands me.

I do not want our relationship to ever end but he has told me that he can not help me with my issues because he has to help his dad, who has been depressed for three years. His dad wont help himself though. I have even tried helping him help his dad but his dad wont listen to him. His dad doesn't want his help to heal but I do want his help on helping me heal and he says he can't do it because his dad needs him. What do I do? I understand him and why he feels that way but at the same time I am the type of person who feels like this; If I am trying to help you and you wont help yourself then I am done and I am not going to worry about you and I don't care if you are blood or not.

Any suggestions on how to keep my relationship happy, healthy, and strong would be greatly appreciated. For the past week I have felt I am the one destroying our relationship because of my PTSD.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Any suggestions on how to keep my relationship happy, healthy, and strong would be greatly appreciated. For the past week I have felt I am the one destroying our relationship because of my PTSD.

Hi Bodacious, welcome to the site and I really do hope you find others who understand what you're going through and can help you. I know that I've managed to find amazing people who've helped me, especially in helping me understand things I was not yet aware of. It's a very wonderful place.

That being said I'd love to reply to your questions but I feel like you should make a seperate thread from this one. That way you can get individual input for your thread instead of being lost in the comments in this thread.

Best,

Phoenix

 

[KimmerM]

I agree getting it out there is a good thing. My boyfriend and I got into a serious but a very deep conversation this evening.

I called my best friend to talk to him, he has been my best friend for over 12 years now. I called him and he could tell I have had been crying and he was right I had been. I told him what was wrong and call me crazy; I state I think I am falling in love with my boyfriend. Now...he has been through everything with me and been there with me through it all including the incident that lead to my PTSD. So he knows how hard the almost 2 years has been and how I am strayed away from being in a relationship and remaining single.

But in the conversation tonight with my boyfriend he stated that he feels like the relationship is all about me and not him...and I just broke down. It wasn't the PTSD (no triggers at all) but I just cried my eyes out while on the phone talking to him about it. I felt horrible and currently I still do. He stated what it is that he loves about me and that he wants to get back to where we were, all this is coming at me and now I am wondering what is it that I can do to make him feel important, he needs it just as much as I do. And why in a way have I neglected him...why have I made it about me and my PTSD. I feel like a very selfish person and how dare I do that to him. I need to show him and trust him...not get jealous and worry constantly that everything is wrong when there was nothing wrong in the first place.

I have this amazing, caring, genuine, kind, thoughtful, sweet man in my life and I could ruin this with my fear that I have of people leaving and me hurting. All I know is I am going to try my hardest to prove to him he is worth it and that he is so important to me and that I am truly blessed to have someone like him in my life that cares so much and sees the real me, sees beyond the PTSD and gets me. I know that he has had his battles in life just like I have.

His mother was a single parents and raised his twin brother and him by herself because their dad left. He still would see his dad when he would visit him in Florida but his dad was never really there and he is ok with that for he grew up that way. I know he was seeing a girl and he caught her cheating on him with another guy. I know he has had his share of ups and downs and I need to be mindful of this and show the care and support to him. I need to let him know I care for him and that I won't leave because I want this relationship more than anything to work and I know it can last.

But advice on how to help make that happiness and butterflies come back where I am giddy about him all over again because I know this is a good thing he and I have. Sorry for the rambling and everything, had to get it out and need the advice.

 

[99Phoenix99]

And why in a way have I neglected him...why have I made it about me and my PTSD. I feel like a very selfish person and how dare I do that to him. I need to show him and trust him...not get jealous and worry constantly that everything is wrong when there was nothing wrong in the first place.

That sounds like a rough past few days. I hope you're feeling alright today.

I think the most important thing you can do right now is not be so hard on yourself. There's a reason why you've acted as you've have thus far and it's not your fault. From what it sounds like the problems lay with trust and feeling self conscious? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but that's what I'm going on in this train of thought. If I'm wrong you can totally disregard this and I'm sorry for not getting it right. Back to what I was saying though, it's not your fault. You've been acting accordingly to what you have known. And he's essentially an unknown aspect. The unknown is scary and that's when people fall back on what they already know. It's not like you purposefully act the way you act. It's an instinctual reaction. And it's aggravating enough as it is. Having someone point that out is like having someone put salt on the wound. It stings. And I'm sorry you're feeing that. That's a horrible feeling.

But maybe it doesn't need to be so painful? Maybe you can use this opportunity not only to help him but to help yourself?

It's obvious you really like him and if what you say is true he really likes you as well. It sounds to me you're at one of those moments in a relationship where you need to take it to a new level or leave it. (Sorry if that sounds a little over dramatic or serious, I'm a rather serious person when it coms to things like this.) So a show of trust, would in my mind, make the most sense. Not only would it prove to him you are serious about him, but it would also be a big step for you personally. Making a gesture to him could prove to yourself that you CAN trust despite it all. In my mind if you consciously act contrary to how you normally would it's like saying "Suck it world and hear me roar." You can't change how you've felt in the past but you can change the here and now. Use the upset you've felt up till now to challenge yourself to make tomorrow better.


And *knock on wood* even if it doesn't work you can prove to yourself that you are more than capable and can persevere. It's his loss.

I'm not saying you need to pull one of those Say Anything boom box outside of the window show moments. But something that would show him he means a lot to you and that you trust him. I couldn't really say what, that's something personal that maybe you can have your friend help you figure out. Or maybe you already have something in mind but just haven't been able to do yet?

Also aside from making a gesture it's the little things that count. Just the other day I was walking through Walmart running errands and out of the corner of my eye I saw a 5 inch figurine toy of Wreck it Ralph. It made me think of my friend who loves that movie. So I just bought it and when I saw him next I just gave it to him. No reason. Just because I saw it and I knew he'd like it. It was a silly stupid little thing but it's small things like that, little reminders here and there that just say "thought of you", that really put a smile on someone's face. Each person is different, one friend of mine loves rubber ducks. Whenever I go to some place neither of us has gone I'll get her one of those tourist rubber ducks with the destination written on it. Taking pictures on your cell of something funny or neat. Or even baking can do it. Fastest way to a man's heart is food right? lol

Simple things that you just stay mindful of will keep cementing that relationship.

A few other ideas would be try something new with each other. Something out of the ordinary. In a past relationship we played laser tag. It was... quite fun. :rolleyes: There was literally a chase. Nuff said right? Gotta keep the romance alive and kicking by trying out new things.

Hopefully that helps some. If not just tell me to shove it :P

 

[KimmerM]

Actually very helpful! He and I met to talk in person rather than over the phone. We met in a park to talk, to me that is neutral ground plus is was in Forest Park very beautiful! So it was a good talk..we talked about a lot. I am deeply said I was sorry and that I can change and want to. I know trust is a big thing. I fear the loss of him. I know I have upset him and I hate that I have. And he also know that he has done things to. It was good to get it out...we needed to. It is hard being a relationship with someone with PTSD and I know he knows that but I don't think he fully understood and talking it out helped him more know about it. I know that I am really into him. I know the trust thing will get better in time and we are going to work very hard to mend it. I am thankful for him. He is absolutely a wonderful man. When he walked up he literally picked me to stand up (mind you I am 5'3 and he is 6'2 1/2) just so he could hug and hold me tight and give me a kiss.

He did say that he DOESN'T want it to end. He wants to move forward. It is a step in the right direction. I know the little things count and yes I am hung up on what to do to. I know that we have a friend's birthday Friday night to go to a hockey game. But I ask and he accepted to us just having a evening and nigh where it is just him and I. I have to work that morning at 8am and I will be the first cut. I work as a Hostess and after I am off I am thinking of getting him something that is meaningful to him. But what is it that I could do for him? I know that he is into disney movies and he LOVES The Lion King and plus he loves watching history shows. I have also baked cookies for him...he isn't into to cake really. I think I will baked something on Friday before I go to his place for the weekend. I am rambling off ideas...sorry!!

But yes it was helpful! The things you have said I did talk to him about and I thank you for replying back to this. I am glad that I am on here and able to learn more on this. I know he and I will be good and he even agreed to some to a counseling session of mine to learn more and be able to ask questions and see what it is like for me. He said he wanted to learn and here he can learn. So here we go moving forward and I am praying that it works. The anxiety level was reduced after we talked and we walked a little. I know that he had to leave to head to the gym to workout but it seemed like he didn't want to leave me.

All I know it I want to tell insecure feeling to hit the road and get outta here so I can be ok in my relationship with him. Because he and I will be ok and I know that we just gotta work to get there and we will. He wants to and I can tell that he does want to. Again thank you for the help. Means a lot!