It is never too late to turn things around. Never. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There is beauty in the world. There is joy.
((((Ronin))))
Thank you for your message of support. I have come out of my "dip" with a hard lesson learnt. Still not divorced from my husband, he has been visiting me on a regular basis. He invited me to his fathers funeral last week, so I drove the 120k to get there. Only to be confronted with his new girlfriend, that I didn't know about. I walked out feeling sick and have had IBS since.
However, it taught me a valuable lesson and I've finally broken all contact with him. Sent him an email telling him what an insensitive bastard that he was, and how much hurt he put me through over the last 15 years by rejecting me. Not an easy way to snap out of it, but it worked. I'm not saying that the hurt or pain is gone, this will still take time. The cloud is lifting in my head and once again, I am finding the courage to move on.
Perhaps all the trauma that has happened to me has effected my ability to cope with difficult situations. Personal relationships and deaths being the hardest. Years ago when I was in hospital my T helped me look in the mirror once I was strong enough. Now he said "When you're finished blaming everyone else, you need to look at what part you had in some of these (adult) events". He was right I had to accept responsibility for some of my bad life choices. When deep down I felt it was wrong and not in my best interest, I continued to hang in there.
As a result when my personal life falls in a heap, I wallow in self pity and all the trauma from the past rises to the surface and overwhelms me. Somehow I must learn better coping skills.
When I was a child and went through the abuse, I learnt how to disassociate. I lived in my own world and my nick name was "Dilly Dream". I hardly spoke and had a blank look on my face. This was interpreted by my parents as stupidity. My escape from reality would be the field next to the house, I'd lie between the cane and float in the air. Well in my mind anyway. That's all behind me now. I start therapy again on the 10th of this month.
My new motto is "The world is my oyster, I just need to learn how to open the damn thing".
Once again thank you for caring....
