How Can People Help?

[physicist13]

Before I start, this might go under relationships or some other category; not sure, sorry...

I am in high school and this past week the head of upper school reached out to me and said a notable amount of teachers were concerned (because I seem depressed and spend a lot of time alone). We kind of talked, but there and some things I can't say (which he knows) since if anything got back to my parents it would make life so so much worse (even though I'm 18 some mandated reporting stuff still applies).
Anyways, right after that I went to go talk to a teacher who I haven't had but we've talked a bit before and I trust her (as much as I can trust anyone). She was one of the teachers who said something to the head of upper school, and she asked what she/ other people can do to help.

Honestly there are a lot of small things that would maybe be nice, but really the only things that would make me less depressed/ scared is if I had somewhere to live that wasn't my current "home", and/or if I had a significant amount more money so I knew I could go to college or live some sort of stable life next year. Obviously these 2 things are not things teachers can really help with, but I would like help in some way. I just don't know what would be helpful-- I do however know I am in so much pain and having PTSD definitely leads to social isolation (bc I don't like hanging out with my classmates even though I have friends). I've told them I don't think they can help-- and I think they confuse this with me not wanting help, which is not at all the case.
In summary, what can I ask of my teachers/ adults in my life (that don't suck) to "help"? Also sometimes just talking to teachers is nice (bc I don't really have any other adult presence/ guidance), but how often can one bother someone to talk without being too much of a burden?

 

[Carmen J. Brown]

Do feel like you talk things out because you want other people to offer solutions? Or do you talk things out because it helps you think through possibilities yourself? Because if you can figure out how you process things then maybe it will help you think of what to tell your teachers. (And help them know how to help you.)

And also, people who care about you won't see you as a burden. In fact they are there so then they can help you.

 

[physicist13]

Do feel like you talk things out because you want other people to offer solutions? Or do you ta...

Partly because I like thinking through things with them. Also for validation-- everything seems like it's my fault, and I won't be able to convince myself otherwise, but sometimes when someone I trust/ respect has a logical reason of why I am right (or wrong) I actually believe them.
Also I know they care about me, but that is because they are teachers and they care about all their students (to some extent)-- it's not like they care about my specifically; they just maybe put a little more energy in with me sometimes since most of them realize they are pretty much the people who care (since my parents don't)

 

[Carmen J. Brown]

I feel you so much. All of that actually. I know exactly how you feel. Do you have anyone who accepts you completely for who you are? The good the bad and the ugly?

okay so don't hate me for bringing psychology into everything but have you ever heard of the Myer brigs personality type indicator? It's a personality test and it I have found it really helpful in understanding myself and I think it will help you with validation. I get this feeling whenever I am around a certain type called INFJ. Which I think is what you are because I'm getting that feeling right now. Please look up what an INFJ is. And if you are on Pinterest I have a board on it too.

 

[asadafagahajakal]

And also, people who care about you won't see you as a burden. In fact they are there so then t...

I sorta agree with you, but if your friends with someone, their burden becomes your burden. You share that load. Their burden is a burden, but not the friend in question.

Kinda like what Kevin Hart said in a standup. "My bullshit is your bullshit, and your bullshit is my bullshit!"

 

[joeylittle]

the only things that would make me less depressed/ scared is if I had somewhere to live that wasn't my current "home", and/or if I had a significant amount more money so I knew I could go to college or live some sort of stable life next year. Obviously these 2 things are not things teachers can really help with, but I would like help in some way.

You might be surprised - these are actually things that teachers could help you with. They can't invent a solution - but what good teachers are good at is identifying the challenge that the student is facing with the material, and strategizing ways to help them arrive at an understanding of the steps towards a solution. In this case, the 'material' is your life - but the process isn't really any different.

In summary, what can I ask of my teachers/ adults in my life (that don't suck) to "help"?

Let them do their socratic thing. Bring the problem to them; be upfront about not expecting them to have a solution, but ask them to help you with problem-solving, and maybe pointing out options or opportunities that you are not yet aware of.

Also sometimes just talking to teachers is nice (bc I don't really have any other adult presence/ guidance), but how often can one bother someone to talk without being too much of a burden?

Two things. One, be upfront. Good/experienced teachers generally know where the boundary lines are between friendship (not to be offered, really), therapy (tools can be offered, but not more than that), and mentoring (freely offered, as time permits). You can be upfront about not expecting the teacher to be your friend or your therapist - but that you benefit from having their counsel and mentorship. They are filling one very necessary void in your life. At the high-school age, this is what parents do a great deal of, and if yours aren't your teachers can. They can't fully replace all the roles a parent holds, but they can totally be that helpful adult voice.

Some are better at it than others. I'm going to guess that since you've already figured out who the helpful ones are, for you, that you've picked some good ones. Being upfront includes defining expectations. Maybe you can set up a check-in time once a week. That way, both you and they know that there are some boundary lines around how and when you communicate. It will help you from having to constantly question whether or not you are bothering them.

Second thing - are you in therapy? If not, can you get some help setting that up? I don't know how old you are, but your post indicates you might be a senior. In some states, when you are over the age of 16, you can access mental health services confidentially. It sounds like you have a solid relationship with the head of your school, and if it hasn't come up yet, you could ask them for help on that. You should be able to google some information as well. Some services are free for students (HS or college) under the age of 21.

they care about all their students (to some extent)-- it's not like they care about my specifically

Yes and no.

Teaching is hard. Some people go into it, get burned out pretty quick, but stay in the job because they have a good union and don't feel like re-inventing their lives. These teachers are generally not great in the classroom and stay very distanced from students' lives.

But others go into it because they genuinely are rewarded by occupying a very specific place in a young person's mental and social/psychological development. And in that regard, a teacher does actually care about each student individually - because they all have different individual challenges and needs and opportunities. Think about it this way - most upper-level teachers (especially HS, and some college as well) teach the same core content year after year. They can always tweak how they deliver the information - but basically, it's the same concepts, year after year. The thing that changes is the students. The focus becomes, how can we help each individual student with their learning?

Middle and HS teachers are especially also interested in: how can we help this individual with their development as a human being? Ethics, social behavior, goals/achievements, expression. You might be surprised how much consideration goes into that stuff. This is all just to say - it's great that you have a right-sized sense of the role a teacher can occupy in your life. But you don't need to think of yourself as the odd case, or 'the one with the problems'.

You just happen to be one of the ones who is mature enough to recognize you need additional support, and you are seeking it out. That's commendable, not annoying. What's frustrating are the ones who need help and consistently refuse to engage in any dialogue about it - or, the ones who have not yet learned that the world doesn't revolve around them. Those are harder lessons to teach.

Hope some of this helps.

 

[physicist13]

I feel you so much. All of that actually. I know exactly how you feel. Do you have anyone who a...

I did for a while, but something happened about a year ago, so as of now not really. I definitely have some good friends though so I don't feel a shortage in that area.

Yes, I have heard of Myer Brigs! You are half right, I am an INTP :)

 

[physicist13]

You might be surprised - these are actually things that teachers could help you with. They can't in...

Thanks for such a through response!
I'm not in therapy, but even if I could do it confidentially I'm on my parent's health insurance (I'm 18), and paying for it without insurance would be expensive. Also I'll be moving in a couple months when I graduate high school, so then I'd have to start all over with a new therapist... not sure it would be worth it.
Also, I go to a private school so I would say the people who wanted to be teachers is maybe not as high as in a public school-- a lot of them are just passionate about their field and teaching is something/ the thing they happen to be doing with it. But I see what you are saying :)

 

[Freedomfighter]

Before I start, this might go under relationships or some other category; not sure, sorry...

I am...

Does your school have psychologists on staff? Your teachers want to help but dont have enough knowledge to assist you. You deserve a professional that is versed in such issues.

 

[physicist13]

Does your school have psychologists on staff? Your teachers want to help but dont have enough kn...

haha yes, technically... but she is terrible (like worse than just grabbing a random person off the street). this opinion is shared by many so I know it's not just me

 

[Leighlee87]

Everything joeylittle has said in his previous post. I promise, most teachers care much more about the emotional and moral development of their students than they do about the information being taught. Don't feel that you are a burden, if your teachers are asking questions, it's because they want to find ways to help you. They might not be able to fix things at home, but you will have their support, genuine care, and they will try to find ways of making things easier for you at school. It doesn't seem like you are getting any of that at home, so don't turn away from the people who do want to give it to you.

 

[Nessa7]

Do you have a way of getting home from school without involving your parents? I spent a ton of time at school my senior year. A teacher that had an idea that my home life wasn't great let me hang around and help with stuff and a lot of it looked good on a college application.