Relationship How Come He Pushes Me Away & Acts Normal With Friends?

[RedBalloon]

Hi all,

While I wait for the recommended book about PTSD & relationships to arrive, I am reading through the forums for days now & I'm seeing the common links with many of you. "You deserve better" shunning, pushing away, breakups. I'm still having a very hard time understanding why he can act normally with his friends, but then pushes me away?

We're on a pause. We saw one another on Thursday night, kissed goodbye & said we'd talk upon his return. He went to Europe for a week to be with his friends. It's incredibly painful to watch the photos of him appear on friend's Facebook pages, and him liking the photos, acting "normal" on Facebook, posting a link to his friend (who is there with him) yet I can't get a simple "Hello" reply in an email. It's like I've been wiped off the face of the planet. It's really frustrating! It doesn't help that almost everyone on the trip is a couple! Yikes.

His friends have no idea that he is suffering. They have never seen him rage. He's good guy all the time. I feel in pain. I just want him to acknowledge that I'm here. Just a simple "hello" would suffice! I have done my best to not send messages, but I cracked & did it anyway. No reply.

He has been seeing a therapist for only 2 months now. What do I expect? Is this going to get worse before it gets better? Is there a timeline, gauge, or any kind of guidance about what to expect? Of course, I am trying to sift it out in my own mind about staying, or leaving. I love him dearly. It's hard to walk away from someone who tells you that if they were "fixed" they'd choose to be by your side, but have troubles being there while "broken." I have my limits, mind... If he were dating another girl, or fooling around, I'd be gone. I'm just in a heap of turmoil right now.

Thanks.

 

[TLight]

As a sufferer, I'd say expect this for at least a few years. I've been with my husband almost 4 now, and I still push him away occasionally. He's become resilent to say the least.

Serious relationships require way more than friendships in terms of emotional vulnerability and responsibilities (communication etc). We find this very very stressful and too much to take.

I still think on most days that I'm not capable of having a relationship and I think it would be best for both of us if I were to leave and be a hermit. There'd be less triggering, less raging, less fear and confusion.

But, that being said, I still am worthy of love and support...it's just terrifying. If i left, I'd have no one on my side and I know what that is like, I spent 20 years like that and it's worse.

Decide if you are strong enough to not take this personally. Draw boundaries. And if you know in your heart you can't do the long haul, then tactifully get out, or be a supportive friend and don't have the expectations of him you have now. It's hard for us to meet other's emotional needs when we are in such painful, excruiciating turmoil.

 

[RedBalloon]

"I still am worthy of love and support." That's the problem... He certainly deserves love after his parents destroyed his childhood. Am I destroying him by staying, or am I helping? What a dilemma! I am trying to figure out if I'm strong enough, or not. I want to be, but not sure I am. This is only 8 months in! When he's not off, and is on, he is the most amazing man I have ever met.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Welcome to the forum, (((((RedBalloon))))).

We cannot predict nor alter his journey.

...and neither can you.

If he chooses to keep on putting up a brave front, that is his choice. But perhaps it's not a brave front. If he's out socializing, that is normal healthy behavior. Ruminating on what you *think* he feels (scientifically impossible) - instead of taking his behavior at face value - is a waste of your precious time on this earth.

Believing we can 'know the truth' and continuing to act on that information while rejecting the observable behavior that disagrees with our 'interpretation' is called co-dependency, and it is a disease.

I'm a big time co-dependent, though far less so.

The behavior you are describing from him doesn't sound like PTSD, just like he's focusing on areas of his life that don't involve you for whatever reason.

All any of us can do is be the healthiest we can be for ourselves, so we have a life worth living regardless.

My best suggestion is to take care of yourself. What have you do nicely for yourself today? What fun plans are you making with friends...things to do...goals for yourself?

I hope you'll take back your life and live it for your enjoyment. If he then chooses to be a part, Great!

But don't put your life on hold. You deserve so much more out of life than facebook stalking someone who doesn't choose to be with you at the moment.

Seek out people who can give you the friendship and support you so deserve.

Make your own happy memories that you can post.

 

[RedBalloon]

I need to clarify there... I'm not a sit at home Facebook stalker. I have a Facebook feed, and when you have friends in common, it will show you if the friend "likes" things, or photos that have been tagged, if they post on one another's FB walls, etc.

A week ago all the stressors added up & he pushed me away. "I can't be a good boyfriend," "you deserve better," etc. Then off to Europe, no contact since he has been there, even if we were kissing on Thursday night.

My life isn't on hold. I'm extremely active socially, I'm in a band. I get out & around the city a lot. But my love is on hold, for him. In reserve.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm so glad to hear that. May your life be filled with much joy and happy memories. Good for you!

 

[RedBalloon]

I live in NYC, which for adult child-free people can be like a Disney World of sorts where we all have Peter Pan syndrome and do lots of socializing. People love to tag photos of outings, so it's something I need to deal with. I don't want to "drop" him, or "block" him, because I don't want that message to be interpreted. And, of course, I care about him & want to see what he's up to as well.

I guess what I'm after is what Tlight explained with "Serious relationships require way more than friendships in terms of emotional vulnerability and responsibilities (communication etc). We find this very very stressful and too much to take." I suppose as a girlfriend, I need to be contacted daily to say "Hi" and plans to be drawn out, etc., but this is an overload for him. Friends are all happy, hunky dory, meet you for a drink & no serious emotions attached.

There's a lot coming, too. This storm is going to get bad. His sister is visiting, and she is his only sibling & was also abused by the father. On top of that, he is attending a family reunion in December. Where his father (who abused his kids with Tasers & stun guns) will be. If that's not gonna send him over the edge, I don't know what will. Whew! Heavy stuff.

 

[TLight]

Yes, overload is responsibility to maintain a serious relationship for us sometimes.

Give him a chance. Back off. Be support without pressure. That is what he needs.

However, if you can't and you need more................by all means, go find that for yourself. You need to do your life and get your needs met too. If he can't do that and you pressure him, well, it's just going to be a disaster. Find out about yourself and what you need and take it from there.
Friends are sometimes more important and needed than 'lovers'.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This is the second supporter post I've read where I've wanted to suggest CBT. I think those skills are good for everyone!

Anyway, try and stop the facebook stalking. It really just sends you to a bad place and nothing good can come of it.

Try and remember that you two are on a "pause". This is his vacation and I think he deserves to have a break from any such relationship drama. A few weeks ago I had a spat with one of my good friends (guy friend, we're both interested in one another, but not together.) The last thing I heard from him was "I forgive you but I can't talk now". Ugh, I wanted to say so much as he soon left on a two week trip abroad. I didn't hear from him again until three weeks later when he was back in the country. What happened was I wrote him an email saying everything I wanted to say, but didn't send it. My reasoning? This is HIS time and to interfere with that would be selfish on my part. Sometimes you just need to let things go and give them a rest. Yes, you can continue to contact him, but I have a feeling that you may just end up pushing him away. He's on vacation to get away from things, I think he deserves that at the very least.

ETA Yes, you're the girlfriend, but you're the girlfriend on pause. That has a very different connotation to it. I see you trying to mother him. He's an adult and can make his own decisions. If it's a crash and burn decision, then so be it. You can't lock him up and tell him to not do this or not do that because it's too much for him! I think HE should be the one who decides what he can and cannot handle.

 

[RedBalloon]

Thanks for the good words, TLight. My friends were definitely needed today. I cracked wide open to my friends, tears and all. They were very supportive without judgement, and didn't tell me to run. It's not everyday that people get to see/hear me cry, or in need. I think it may have shook them up a bit at first, as I'm always the strong one, the advisor, but also provided a sense of relief for me not to have to hide things.

ScaredOfLonely, do you mean CBT for him, or me? I have been in therapy in past, from 12-28, but I've been feeling it could do me wonders now, too. I'd like to clarify again, though... I am not Facebook stalking. Not my style. These things come down the feed via our mutual friends. I'm not visiting his page. I went there once daily, but that was it. We have mutual friends on FB & Instagram, so they put the pics up & you can see every time he "likes" something that belongs to a mutual friend.

I wonder if this will teach me better skills for life overall. As my friend put it, "When we meet someone we go into Love Zombie mode and put everything else on hold when we should be focusing on ourselves, too." She's right... PTSD, or not, it's what people tend to do... I did go there, to Love Zombie mode & there's a ton of stuff I need to be addressing myself. Exercise, health, my friends and music could use some more attention...

Anyway... I appreciate your support & advice, all. I received an email from him this eve & feel a sense of relief. As in, I can sleep easier tonight and focus on me. He said he was sorry to be out of touch, but he was doing a lot of running around & mentioned that he saw my friend's motorcycle on FB (he rides one & my friend had me on his this weekend) & that he really liked it. He's not the jealous sort, so no worries there. To provide relief for him & myself, I just said, "Great to hear from you, hope you're having a blast! Get in touch when you're back." That way, I'm not freaked out that he's not in touch & vice versa. He's not due home till the weekend & I'll wait for him to contact me. He really wanted to go to this vintage bike show w/ bands playing. That may, or may not happen. I'll let him decide.