How did I end up here? Debt, Abuse, & Isolation.

[sanestrella]

This may be a rambling vague post. I am not sure what level of detail to go into here. However I feel I need to do something without revealing to much about myself. I am not looking for sympathy or empathy just constructive discussion.

Several years ago after coming out the closet (gay male). I met someone and within a month we moved in together.

In this relationship I was the sole breadwinner. Low minimum wage job. I paid rent, all bills etc. My partner at the time I did allow time to get a job but they did not seem interested. I basically lost all savings and ended up massively in debt.

We had a few pets. Several of these pets went 'missing' while i was at work during the day.

This is the part I hate. How did I not question my partner at the time more about what was going on or seek advice from a family member or friend.

Then this is the part I hate and have ptsd and flashbacks. On 2 occasions I witnessed my ex violently assault 2 of our dogs. On both these instances the dogs ended up dying of their injuries.

I am not going to go into details. I was that scared of my ex I felt fear into staying with him. I am scared I done something i cant remember and don't have clear recollection of the events. I should add my ex did threaten to kill himself if we separated and told me to kill myself on several occasions. We only parted because I felt like he allowed me to leave.

I kept on going back in the time we split up as I felt I needed to as it was a crux of false emotional support.

This is still ruining my life years later and have avoided relationships. Not had a stable job etc in the time and virtually have no friends.

Before I met my ex I was a happy go lucky person now I am just a dishevelled mess barely getting by.

I feel like I am at my breaking point now. I know how people feel about animal abusers. The lowest of the low. Scum of society etc. That's how I feel.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@sanestrella - I’ve removed your trigger warnings. No need for them here, as every post in every thread contains potential triggers. You can read more about it in the Community Constitution .

…….

With that out of the way, you’ve been through something awful with your ex. Do you have a therapist helping you recovering from that?

 

[Friday]

This is still ruining my life years later and have avoided relationships. Not had a stable job etc in the time and virtually have no friends.

The upside to waiting years after domestic violence to date? Is that there’s a reeeeally strong bell curve attached with DV & TIME.

The numbers wiggle around a lot depending on your demographic (male, female, married, dating, kids, no kids, etc.) but the framework is the same.

ABC time period… MOST people move right back into another abusive relationship.
XYZ time period… 50/50 on whether abusive or healthy.
123 time period… MOST people move onto healthy relationships.

So it’s very reasonable to think that, especially after getting some kickass therapy, your next relationships? Will be good ones. Even without therapy, the numbers are on your side, but I’d have to suspect you’d like to unf*ck your head and your heart, and get your past to stop crashing into your present.

Of course, there’s also a helluva lotta things one can do aside from therapy (Stress Management / see PTSD Cup Explanation, reducing and eliminating triggers and stressors, workin on cognitive distortions & core beliefs, etc.). But a damn good therapist? Is a damn good resource/ally/teacher/touch stone.

 

[Rose White]

Sounds like you were brainwashed. I saw my dad violently abuse our pet dog growing up. Also abusing my brother. Those visuals and the sounds associated with them are stamped in my head. Terrible people they were to do those things—your ex and my dad!

I also had a terrible ex who said things like I wanted him dead and no one could ever love me like him because I was crazy. I still can’t date anyone five years after leaving. I have tried but I can’t keep it going. And I don’t try anymore. Nowadays I tell myself I’m lucky to be single and alone without anyone manipulating me because I’m afraid it will always end up that way. Fortunately friendships are pretty fun!

Please be gentle with yourself. Hope you come back and share your journey of healing. Rooting for you!