General How Do I Balance Giving Him Space And Checking On Him

[Glara]

How do I balanced giving him space but checking on him when he's in a bad place. He's been answering me texts but I don't want to pressure him. At the same time he texted me something very scary after 2 days of no texts and now I'm worried. I don't want to say I'm going to call 911 if I don't hear from him, but basically that's how I feel. So long as he answers I know he's still alive. He is in therapy and he's obviously reaching out if he told me what he was thinking. But he told me 2 days later...

 

[Changing4Best]

Does he answer phone calls? Has he asked you not to call him when he's like this or anything? Maybe you might try calling him. Listen to his tone of voice, is it despairing or angry or what? This may give you some clues. I'd say if he is angry, he's not in too bad shape, but this is just my opinion. If he is despairing, that is not such a good sign. (Like is he apathetic or something like that?).

 

[Justmehere]

When it comes to suicidality, or anything that threatens the life of himself or others, take it very seriously. Error on the side of doing too much.

I suggest that you call a suicide crisis line about any concerning texts to get some professional feedback on how concerned to be, and what to do about it.

For him, I would not send more texts than normal, but I would be honest in your response, the texts that you do send, to tell him you are concerned for him, scared he won't stay alive. Even if you don't know how to interpret it - they can help figure it out with you.

If it is sucidial in nature, even if it is just side remarks or thoughts, take it serious and get the professionals involved to help. Also keep reaching out for help for you - as the threat of sudden death of a loved on can begin to trigger symptoms for others.

I told a friend once about being suicidial and when she told me how scared she was for me, it gave me the courage to go get help. It was not a burden, it helped me. I made the commitment to her for her sake to call the therapist I had then, and frankly, I don't know that I would have done that if she had not shared with me how totally scared she was. It saved my life that I finally told therapist.

 

[shimmerz]

I find that rules of engagement are important. Setting parameters. For instance, 'if you put out to me that you are feeling suicidal I am going to do 'x'. And do it. It says much of you that you care enough to not run for the hills as most would.

 

[Glara]

Unfortunately, I know exactly how serious it is. I just told him I don't want to bother him but that he needs to check in with me. I told him I don't want to call a hotline, I just need to know he's ok. I didn't want to threaten but I want him to know I'm very concerned.

 

[Justmehere]

You are taking the right step. His PTSD symptoms are the threat - to his life. Your response is a good and healthy step to that threat to him. If he doesn't respond, there may be a better option than the hotline to see if your area has a mobile crisis unit. They usually know how to handle this stuff in a much better way than the steps even the hotlines would take. Most of all, keep taking very good care of you. :hug:

 

[Glara]

He's been answering and asking if I'm still coming in Dec. I think he's still in a bad place, but at least he's responding.

 

[shimmerz]

imho if he is asking about December and you are making arrangements for such then he is not in the planning stage for November.

 

[Glara]

On Tues he told me something he did last Sat. But said he backed out. It scared me because he has guns.

 

[Justmehere]

Has he agreed to tell his therapist?

How are you doing with all of this?

 

[Glara]

I didn't ask him to tell his T but I did suggest he talk to the priest that he told me helped him in the past. Don't know if he did. I was ready to book a flight down to see him next weekend but he told me his sister is coming. They are very close, so I know he'll be ok for now. And he's asking about me coming in Dec.

I've been a basket case and it's hard because I really don't have anyone to talk to. Plus he texted me Tues at work which was so hard because I had to answer but I couldn't think out what to say. I did tell him I would text every morning and evening to check on him and he's been answering. I feel like the immediate crisis is over but I'm still not confident.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: I'm so sorry this so tough. I hope you keep reaching out for support here and perhaps elsewhere too. Even trained professionals can have a hard time with this stuff if they don't have the proper support.

Handling a loved one in crisis, a life threatening one, can lead to the development of symptoms for supporters. It might be a good idea to talk to a therapist for yourself. Not because you are doing anything wrong, but to help you walk through this.

That is hopeful that he is making future plans and that was a really good suggestion you gave him to reach out to clergy too. The texting twice a day is good too - but keep making sure you take care of you too. This is really hard stuff. I hope he will pull out of this ok. My heart goes out to you both.