General How do I bring up sexual abuse with daughter?

[mumstheword]

Teens is a very delicate self developmental stage. I'm glad I didn't find out when my kid's were teenagers, in a way. I think the shame, of exposing that might have hurt their self-making even more.
When I think about my own abuse as a child and teen, I wouldn't have wanted people to see me in that light, I detest pity and other's feeling sorry for me. Mind you, my mother isn't a sympathetic, empathetic, considerate sort of person, so I don't know what it feels like to have a kind mum who would have handled it well.
I never spoke about my own abuse until I developed a deep, supportive relationship with my now partner, in my late thirties -early forties.

I think a secure attachment is vital when delving into this kind of delicate, shame-inducing, and self-eroding traumatic memories and experience.

I recently attended an 18 week group therapy course for CSA and all of the women were around my age bar one very mature and self aware twenty-something woman. There's a reason it often takes many, many years to face up to this stuff.

 

[Mee]

I probably would have denied it to. I am not sure that's the point. In the asking, or talking around it as @Friday mentioned, creates an atmosphere where the daughter can bring it up later. The other thing to think about this is that the Mom knows. That the information has been shared in the extended family through the step-sister. Acknowledging that in some way, helps take away the sense of secrecy. If the daughter finds out that the mom probably knows and hasn't said anything? That can make it harder to bring up.

Of course, getting the input from the therapist is also very important.

Hmm; it depends on the person. Having to admit my denials or cover ups were ‘lies’ certainly impacted me very strongly . It can be pretty difficult to go back and say ‘I wasn’t honest’ especially in a world where honesty about assault is questioned.

 

[scout86]

Having to admit my denials or cover ups were ‘lies’ certainly impacted me very strongly .

I think an important part of establishing that safeish environment @Friday was describing would be to include the fact (because it a fact) that this a difficult topic and it's pretty common for people to deny and cover things up, for ALL kinds reasons. And that that's ok, even if it might not be ideal.

 

[Mee]

I think an important part of establishing that safeish environment @Friday was describing would be to include the fact (because it a fact) that this a difficult topic and it's pretty common for people to deny and cover things up, for ALL kinds reasons. And that that's ok, even if it might not be ideal.

Yes. Thank you for including that. I don’t know if it outweighs the social noise but we should all try collectively and where relevant in personal situations.

 

[blackemerald1]

I think the fact that the perp is the grandfather of the daughter is pretty important here.

Whilst I agree with almost everyone's perspectives on this. I do need to ask whether there is still a connection to the offender and how does the OP deal with that?

Lots of times secrets and secrecy is kept because of the relationships that connect the abuser to the victim and other relatives to each other. Children/teens may see themselves as having done something wrong depending on what the perp told them to keep it a secret.

How to unlock this 'secret' might depend on the relationship the victim currently still has with the offending grandparent and who he is still seeing in the family.

 

[ms spock]

If the adults do not want to know they will ask you in a way that silences you.

 

[Mee]

If the adults do not want to know they will ask you in a way that silences you.

I hear you. I also think if we are fearful we hear them in a way that silences us? I think both have happened to me?

As a society we are uncomfortable talking about it; our way of talking about it can be silencing even if it’s not our intent, because of the discomfort and fears around it .

 

[Slavmenade]

Hello guys - really need some practical advice here.

My daughters step-sister has told her mum that she and my daughter were sexually abused by their grandfather several years ago. My daughter would have been 7 at the time.

My daughter has never said anything about this. Given her age I don’t know if she remembers or has potentially suppressed it.

Appreciate any practical advice you can offer on how to ask her and bring this up without traumatising her. She’s now in her mid teens.

I think the best way to explain is it that there are people in the world who are selfish, cruel and there is no way to explain why they are that way- and that someone doing those things is wrong and is not normal

 

[hithere]

I would not bring it up. I made the mistake of doing so with an adult daughter and it triggered a very severe reaction that I deeply regret. We remember when we are ready. Some people aren't ready until they are 70 or 80 years old. If your daughter has found ways to be well in life and there is no strong negative behaviors or obvious issues, leave well enough alone. She has found a way to cope.

 

[blackemerald1]

it triggered a very severe reaction that I deeply regret.

^Was this because the problem was not raised when she was young and something could have been done about it?

 

[rightkindofme]

I would bring up topics of consent in a round about fashion. I would say that someone mentioned a youtube channel called amaze.org and I want to share some of the videos because this kind of education wasn't available when I was young and I want to make sure she hears about it. (Go look for which of their videos you want to share in advance.)

I wouldn't ask directly if she has been assaulted. That could feel like a violation.

 

[ms spock]

This may be useful but it also may be useful. So ignore if not useful.

The only thing is that once you have been sexually abused as a child by one person you are at high risk of being sexually abused by other folks. So you have to be aware of that. I was constantly being sexually abused by different folks. Child rapists are so good at seeing the vulnerability, illness or complicitness of the parents and are masterful at exploiting that. So I don't know how you bring it up but leaving that responsibility of that to the young person seems like a parental cop out to me. So if she is being sexually abused by another person right now it's "her job" to create a situation where disclosing such terrifying and distressing event is able to happen? It all seems like a lot of copping out to me. Once a kid is sexually abused by one person then it's open season on them. Surely I am not the only person to be aware of these dynamics?

Of course you can't bulldoze them into a conversation about sexual abuse, but you can repeatedly create situations where you show empathy, understand and a safe space for them to talk about their feelings. And it's the kids that have access to these types of situations which the child rapists will steer clear of as the possibility of disclosure by the child is really high.

If one sex offender is able to identify parent/s as being abused themselves so they have no skills to protect their own children once, you can be damn sure the next ones that turn up will take advantage of that. If you weren't able to protect your kids in one situation that will translate in to other vulnerable situations.

Child sexual assault or child rape have nothing to do with consent and can be a way of blaming the person for their sexual assault. A raped child cannot ever give consent - so that is a real victim blaming position to come from in my books.