General How do I bring up sexual abuse with daughter?

[Mammo]

Hello guys - really need some practical advice here.

My daughters step-sister has told her mum that she and my daughter were sexually abused by their grandfather several years ago. My daughter would have been 7 at the time.

My daughter has never said anything about this. Given her age I don’t know if she remembers or has potentially suppressed it.

Appreciate any practical advice you can offer on how to ask her and bring this up without traumatising her. She’s now in her mid teens.

 

[Rumors]

Go to a therapist... if she was abused there is no way for it not to be traumatizing for her and she will need professional help navigating the emotions that come up. Until you have someone on board, I probably wouldn't bring it up.
I hope she is ok....

 

[Mammo]

Hi rumours,
Yep we already have a therapist that she started seeing relatively recently and seems to have a good rapport with.

 

[Gs172003]

Hello guys - really need some practical advice here.

My daughters step-sister has told her mum that she and my daughter were sexually abused by their grandfather several years ago. My daughter would have been 7 at the time.

My daughter has never said anything about this. Given her age I don’t know if she remembers or has potentially suppressed it.

Appreciate any practical advice you can offer on how to ask her and bring this up without traumatising her. She’s now in her mid teens.

You don't. You wait for her to come to you about it at some point if she wants to. If she had been abused she may not be ready to talk about it and on the off chance she wasn't, you don't want to give her the idea she was.

 

[Chris-duck]

I think I disagree with the people saying not to bring it up, your daughter is still only mid teens so it is kinda your job still to make sure she's okay. If it was me I'd be like "so step sister has told us she's been abused by someone in the family, just wanted to check if anything like that had ever happened to you?" There's all likelihood she'll say no anyway and I'd just take whatever answer she gives but im not sure that hiding from the conversation when she probably knows you've been told already would be helpful.

Either way, I'm glad she has her own therapist for whatever is going on for her and that she appears to have a good rapport with them :) Sorry this is going on for you.

 

[piratelady]

I agree with @Chris-duck.

There's all likelihood she'll say no anyway

I’d also try to make sure she understands that if she ever does need to talk to you, she can and it will be safe to do so.

You could also let her therapist know about the concern and let them navigate it.

 

[scout86]

I'm going to agree with @Chris-duck & @piratelady. And I think Chris-duck has a great way to bring it up. I wouldn't force a conversation, but I'd provide the opportunity for one, if she wants it. You might mention that you realize talking about this stuff is hard. And, by all means, the therapist should know this is going on, if they don't already.

 

[Mammo]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies - it’s much appreciated. I’m catching up 1:1 with her therapist tomorrow to also get her advice on how to approach.

Thanks again

 

[Rumors]

You don't. You wait for her to come to you about it at some point if she wants to. If she had been abused she may not be ready to talk about it and on the off chance she wasn't, you don't want to give her the idea she was.

I completely disagree. You don't wait on a teenager to come to you about anything, especially sexual abuse. She isn't the adult and isn't expected to make adult decisions.

Yep we already have a therapist that she started seeing relatively recently and seems to have a good rapport with.

I do, however, think that how you bring it up could be pivotal. If someone had stopped long enough when I was a kid... you could even say even say "Hey, I know there is a lot going on right now and from time to time I want to check in with you to make sure you are ok. How do you feel about your step sister letting us know what happened to her?" I hope she will let you support her and talks to you. Sending good thoughts your way for strength...

 

[Mach123]

IDK, I'm so sorry. : (. I don't have any advice.

 

[Mammo]

I completely disagree. You don't wait on a teenager to come to you about anything, especially sexual abuse. She isn't the adult and isn't expected to make adult decisions.

Thanks rumours

I do, however, think that how you bring it up could be pivotal. If someone had stopped long enough when I was a kid... you could even say even say "Hey, I know there is a lot going on right now and from time to time I want to check in with you to make sure you are ok. How do you feel about your step sister letting us know what happened to her?" I hope she will let you support her and talks to you. Sending good thoughts your way for strength...

 

[mumstheword]

I brought up, recently, to my daughter that her brother (my son) had told me about abuse that they has gone through, as children. But they are in their early to mid twenties, now.

I don't think it would have gone down well, had that been the case in their mid teens, but it was the right time for them to have me know and talk to them about it.

Mind you, I'm a very transparent person, so I'm not sure I would have been able to not tell my daughter.

I spoke to her that same day that my son told me, because, well, it's really upsetting, and I'm sure she would have sensed that I was upset about something, anyway.

I just mentioned that he'd told me and how grateful I was that he trusted me enough to open up to me and share something that vulnerable and how, talking about it with [at least] someone you trust, is part of recovering from the experience.

I didn't ask her questions, I just let her know that I knew and that I am so sorry that happened and that I wasn't there for them when it did. I was crying, I think. I told her on the phone, and since, she's told me more about how it's affected her, but she hadn't realised and that she has been hiding from it, avoiding it and denying that it happened.

I have talked to my kids, only now, as adults, about how that kind of childhood trauma deeply affects people, often lifelong, and how I have, only this year, at 46, gone and done an 18 week group therapy course, for dealing with childhood sexual abuse, myself.

So, I've been somewhat transparent about having gone through it, how it's affected me, how therapy's been helpful, without details of course, they don't need to know that, but, the trauma that I went through, has shaped my life so profoundly, I figured I owed them an explanation and the comforting knowledge that I was dealing with it, through therapy.

Little did I know at the time, what they had gone through as children, because, unironically, I was very unwell at the time it happened. I was actually psychotically unwell at the time and wouldn't have handled it at all well (don't worry, I was very quietly psychotic, they didn't even know, at the time).

That feeling, of missing something so damaging, of my young children, isn't great, but at least they are talking to me and drawing on me now.