My baby's deadbeat father wants to fly in to visit him for his first birthday. The background on this is very long, but I will try to briefly summarize it for those who haven't read my threads on this before.
The father was emotionally abusive and generally terrible all throughout the pregnancy and even afterwards, when he met his baby for the first time (he took off while I was pregnant). He threatened me while I was pregnant, harrassed my family and my employer, and ultimately got me temporarily fired before I was able to get my job back by threatening a lawsuit. He is not on the birth certificate and has no legal rights, but has repeatedly threatened to sue for sole custody and drag me through torturous legal proceedings.
I never blocked his access to the baby and I let him visit. Why? Because blocking access would only play into his hands in court, and it would also cause him to escalate. So, I was generally very accommodating in the hopes that he would just lose interest and leave us alone. It sounds terrible to say that, that I hoped he'd lose interest in his own child, but he has always only brought instability, stress and chaos to my life, and I have already been struggling to raise this child on my own.
Fast forward to now. Since I relocated to the States from Ukraine, contact with him has been nonexistent. He hasn't bothered me since I moved back, and emailed once or twice to ask if things were okay. I responded and told him things were fine but never let him know any details about my personal life -- he doesn't have my address or phone number, or even know where I work now.
He has not provided any financial support whatsoever.
Now he wants to fly in from England to see the baby for his first birthday. I don't want him to, mainly because I fear he will create instability again or do something distressing (not that he'd hurt the baby or anything like that, just be emotionally abusive towards me). Just the idea of him visiting is already causing me so much stress, and I'm still breastfeeding and really don't need any of his bullshit right now, especially if he's not helping in any way or offering any support.
As an example of his behavior, the last time he visited he demanded to be allowed to see the baby any time he wanted, but he didn't respect my schedule. He showed up one day demanding to be let in even after I'd explicitly told him that I was busy and he should come back the next day. Then, when I didn't let him in, he bullied me from outside the apartment building and threatened to "take" the baby from me, etc. His behavior was very alarming, and I told him so and did not allow him back in. After that, I told him he would only be allowed to see his baby in a public setting, with me present, obviously.
As for his recent request to visit, I responded by saying things are a bit up in the air right now, as I'm preparing to relocate again and am not sure which city I'll be in. He didn't freak out or anything and just said to let him know when I figure it out. But now he keeps emailing and asking if I have an answer yet, and being generally very impatient.
I really don't want him to visit. But it's more for my personal sanity than any fears that he'd hurt the baby -- it's almost certain that he'll be verbally abusive towards me, and that, in turn, will almost certainly affect the baby. Or maybe not? I really don't know. I'd feel guilty if I don't let him come, but judging by his past behavior, I'd also probably greatly regret it if I do let him come.
Advice?
The father was emotionally abusive and generally terrible all throughout the pregnancy and even afterwards, when he met his baby for the first time (he took off while I was pregnant). He threatened me while I was pregnant, harrassed my family and my employer, and ultimately got me temporarily fired before I was able to get my job back by threatening a lawsuit. He is not on the birth certificate and has no legal rights, but has repeatedly threatened to sue for sole custody and drag me through torturous legal proceedings.
I never blocked his access to the baby and I let him visit. Why? Because blocking access would only play into his hands in court, and it would also cause him to escalate. So, I was generally very accommodating in the hopes that he would just lose interest and leave us alone. It sounds terrible to say that, that I hoped he'd lose interest in his own child, but he has always only brought instability, stress and chaos to my life, and I have already been struggling to raise this child on my own.
Fast forward to now. Since I relocated to the States from Ukraine, contact with him has been nonexistent. He hasn't bothered me since I moved back, and emailed once or twice to ask if things were okay. I responded and told him things were fine but never let him know any details about my personal life -- he doesn't have my address or phone number, or even know where I work now.
He has not provided any financial support whatsoever.
Now he wants to fly in from England to see the baby for his first birthday. I don't want him to, mainly because I fear he will create instability again or do something distressing (not that he'd hurt the baby or anything like that, just be emotionally abusive towards me). Just the idea of him visiting is already causing me so much stress, and I'm still breastfeeding and really don't need any of his bullshit right now, especially if he's not helping in any way or offering any support.
As an example of his behavior, the last time he visited he demanded to be allowed to see the baby any time he wanted, but he didn't respect my schedule. He showed up one day demanding to be let in even after I'd explicitly told him that I was busy and he should come back the next day. Then, when I didn't let him in, he bullied me from outside the apartment building and threatened to "take" the baby from me, etc. His behavior was very alarming, and I told him so and did not allow him back in. After that, I told him he would only be allowed to see his baby in a public setting, with me present, obviously.
As for his recent request to visit, I responded by saying things are a bit up in the air right now, as I'm preparing to relocate again and am not sure which city I'll be in. He didn't freak out or anything and just said to let him know when I figure it out. But now he keeps emailing and asking if I have an answer yet, and being generally very impatient.
I really don't want him to visit. But it's more for my personal sanity than any fears that he'd hurt the baby -- it's almost certain that he'll be verbally abusive towards me, and that, in turn, will almost certainly affect the baby. Or maybe not? I really don't know. I'd feel guilty if I don't let him come, but judging by his past behavior, I'd also probably greatly regret it if I do let him come.
Advice?
