Sufferer How do I find the space between stimulus and response?

[NotOkay]

Hi, I'm new here. Need some support from like-minded people. I experienced emotional and verbal abuse from my father growing up. Thought I was dealing with the fall-out but was bullied in my last job which resulted in a lot of mental junk re-surfacing. I am so anxious of everything and I am also emotionally disregulated. Prefer to keep away from people. Did CBT but did not help much. Did councelling and found that not only am I a highly sensitive person but I am suffering CPTSD. I have tried Mindfulness for the last 2 weeks but this has made my anxiety much worse and I find it difficult to sleep now. I need to find a way to become more emotionally regulated and to find that 'space' between stimuli and response but without the need for mindfulness. Can anyone out there relate?

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes.

I think of mindfulness though as more looking for something to be grateful for in the moment, vs where my thoughts lead me.

As far as emotional regulation goes, it's good to voice how you really feel, just to the air, even if you're not quite sure what. And/or to continue with why. Somewhat mindfulness but to sort of take a step back and look at the situation from a distance. Also to recognize H.A.L.T- 2 or more of (are we) hungry/ angry/ lonely/ tired it will be very hard to regulate the same way as without. Of course exercise or ways to let off grief or steam, hopefully non-harmful ones: walking, a hobby, going somewhere safe and private if possible, such as in nature; animals, music, sleep, something you like.

For me, and I can't say it takes care of the overwhelm always, or perhaps the broken-heartedness remains, but when it's just difficult (even small things or everything) or painful, I try to put one foot in front of the other and offer it up for the people I care about. Especially when I have no choice to function or to put on a face.

I try to to think, "how important is this?", or also acknowledge why the moment is so painful. Also to accept many people seem to not really get it, so to choose where my heart feels safe or not. I suppose I have bigger things and a bigger history that effects me now than some people do, so for navigating life I have to do what I need to do for myself whether people get it or not.

Welcome to you! Fortunately circumstances make it feel like they will always all end the same, but we really don't know that. I hope also when you are bereft of hope something or someone can help give you some. And that you will be able to keep challenging your inner critic/ your dad's (or any other's negative) voice by the mindfulness when you feel or hear it to realize that was cruel, I am sure uncalled for, but also his problem and now it doesn't help to allow that to keep feeling like it was true or accurate, even if it's very foreign to challenge it or believe otherwise. Baby steps. You deserve peace and worth.

 

[NotOkay]

Thank you Tinyflame for your reply and suggestions. When we are in pain it is easy to think that we are alone but clearly there are a lot of people out there feeling similarly to me. My dad does not get on with most people, has made my mum's life miserable. He obviously is in pain himself but could not find the impetus to seek help. I am meant to feel compassion for him (and I do, to a point). But I feel that he has damaged me so much that I don't know how to heal. Yes, I need to challenge that inner critic who has taken over from where my dad left off. I always question every social interaction that I have (I like to avoid them now). I ask my husband if I acted wrong or said something wrong and he says no, but I cannot shrug off the feeling that I am always in the wrong. Yes, I need to be doing some things for myself, to support myself to help me feel better, I guess that is self-compassion which I struggle with sometimes. Thank you again for your help.

 

[Sideways]

I need to find a way to become more emotionally regulated and to find that 'space' between stimuli and response but without the need for mindfulness. Can anyone out there relate?

Welcome to the forum! DBT does a lot of work around emotional dysregulation and separating emotions from behaviours. Might be worth a try.

 

[Friday]

How to find the space? Practice. Nothing for it. 10,000 times later? You’ll be a master at causing what you want to happen, to happen. A few hundred, though, will give you firm footing / a fingerhold.

Welcome to then community.

This will help >>> How to use triggers as a means to recovery? & this >>> The ptsd cup explanation

 

[arfie]

hello notokay. welcome to the forum.

I need to find a way to become more emotionally regulated and to find that 'space' between stimuli and response but without the need for mindfulness.

has someone over-explained mindfulness to you? kinda like a newly converted evangelist? i find myself wondering why you are trying to avoid mindfulness? just wondering in a not-mine-to-sort sort of way.

setting that question aside. . .

i have quite a few tricks i use to reach that space between stimuli and response. for my psycho nickel, that very accomplishment IS emotional regulation. alas, none of my tips or tricks are guaranteed to be fast or effective. i have to keep trying until i find the trick that works for this spin of the not-so-merry-go-round.

keep venting, notokay. your answers are in there. vent freely, vent often. welcome aboard.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

For me the big break through was understanding that anger is a secondary emotion. First there is the stimulus, then hurt, then I push people away with anger. Once I understood how it worked I consciously pause in the hurt. Then I am just open and honest about what I am feeling. Often I misunderstand what was said and once I get on the same page with the other person I don’t go to anger.

 

[NotOkay]

Welcome to the forum! DBT does a lot of work around emotional dysregulation and separating emotions from behaviours. Might be worth a try.

Thank you Sideways. I shall look into this.

How to find the space? Practice. Nothing for it. 10,000 times later? You’ll be a master at causing what you want to happen, to happen. A few hundred, though, will give you firm footing / a fingerhold.

Welcome to then community.

This will help >>> How to use triggers as a means to recovery? & this >>> The ptsd cup explanation

Great article. Many thanks

hello notokay. welcome to the forum.

has someone over-explained mindfulness to you? kinda like a newly converted evangelist? i find myself wondering why you are trying to avoid mindfulness? just wondering in a not-mine-to-sort sort of way.

setting that question aside. . .

i have quite a few tricks i use to reach that space between stimuli and response. for my psycho nickel, that very accomplishment IS emotional regulation. alas, none of my tips or tricks are guaranteed to be fast or effective. i have to keep trying until i find the trick that works for this spin of the not-so-merry-go-round.

keep venting, notokay. your answers are in there. vent freely, vent often. welcome aboard.

Hi Arfie. I think I need to develop some tricks of my own. As far as mindfulness goes, I don't want to avoid it but trying it each time, concentrating on my breathe makes me hyperventilate. And now each morning I am more panicky than before I tried it. Thank you for your reply, I appreciate your help.

For me the big break through was understanding that anger is a secondary emotion. First there is the stimulus, then hurt, then I push people away with anger. Once I understood how it worked I consciously pause in the hurt. Then I am just open and honest about what I am feeling. Often I misunderstand what was said and once I get on the same page with the other person I don’t go to anger.

Yes, anger comes after feeling something strongly negative. I clearly have a lot of work to do with managing my emotions. Many thanks

 

[arfie]

As far as mindfulness goes, I don't want to avoid it but trying it each time, concentrating on my breathe makes me hyperventilate.

i ran into this problem with, "meditation" and "prayer." in my case, the problem was context and presentation. the basics of both tools were presented to me by what i perceived as over-enthusiastic fanatics. i was quite psychotic at the time and have often wished for a time machine to take me back for another look through the more stable perception i am enjoying today. were they really fanatics or was my perception distorted by the psychosis i was experiencing at the time.

"reframing" was my ticket around this gnarly snot knot. i couldn't handle the imagery of the grinning, touchy, feely fools gathered in the park for group meditation, but i could handle sitting quietly by an isolated stream. by whatever name, the inner explorations helped tremendously. here, today with far more stable thought processes, i hold prayer and meditation as synonyms but am always willing to explore less volatile words for ^it^. whatever it takes to draw peaceful breaths. the name for ^it^ is irrelevant. how 'bout if we call ^it^ charlie?

 

[NotOkay]

Yes, Arfie. I was on an 8 week mindfulness course where you had to do over 40 minutes mindfulness practice every day before the next session, plus eating a meal mindfully and doing something else mindfully eg.. brushing your teeth also every day. On each session, all the other participants were saying how relaxed they felt as we practiced in the classroom. Not my experience at all! So I felt odd and a bit of a failure to be honest. Then I finally realised I was trying too hard and just accepted the fact that everytime I meditated that I was hyperventilating ( I didn't expect to but this is just what happened so I accepted it). But this didn't help and eventually I would struggle to get to sleep and night and wake up the next morning with my anxiety going into overdrive. Had to stop attending the course. But I fully understand the importance of looking inwards eg.. what am I feeling, what am I thinking etc... I think that the course was too much too soon for me. I will persevere but slower with shorter periods of meditation and build up when/if I can. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I thought I was alone in having this difficulty.

 

[DSkyler]

Hello

I have CPTSD. On one level competent and functioning, on another level crippled with terror and paralyzed by fear.

I had primal psychotherapy to address early trauma and attachment issues. It wasn’t until EMDR caught on clinically in the UK that he was able to offer it. It was a game changer for me, especially in the context of a good therapeutic relationship with the therapist.

There are lots of approaches out there but for me EMDR has been the one to create that space between stimulus and response, and for it to remain. Not having a dozen panic attacks a day was another benefit.

I’ve recently returned to EMDR here in the US with another good therapist. This time I will stick with it and not abandon myself (my initial and biggest trauma imprint)

There are ways out and progress to be made-find and try what works for you. Each approach had it’s benefits and limitations.

The healthy parts of you are ushering you towards healing those parts that were damaged by sheer bad luck and others and situations.

This website is a good place I’ve found so far. Good luck in your route to peace

 

[NoOkay]

Thank you DSkyler. I had heard of EMDR but not sure what it was. I shall look into this. Thanks for sharing