How Do I Get My Boyfriend To Understand / Relate?

[sharky]

I have not seen a specialist, as I keep flip-flopping between wanting help and not wanting help from someone I don't know. I had a pretty awful and seemingly uneducated psychologist in the past. But overall when I think about going to see someone, I come to the conclusion that I'm just not ready.

My trauma comes from a severely abusive past boyfriend. This really scares me to put this online and I'm getting a little bit of a tightening in my chest writing this but I think I already have enough faith in this website that I am comfortable enough to open up a little bit...

When I was 13/14 I was beaten severely by a boyfriend that was one to two years older than me (I can't exactly remember). I have a general idea that it lasted several months, but it could have ranged anywhere between a month and two years. (I've written more on this under the 'Discussion' board) What I do know for sure is it happened more than once because I know I passed out from being beaten at least three times. The most seizing moments for me to try to look back on was when he hit me hard and verbally abused me in front of his dad and slightly younger brother. I do remember that they laughed at me and encouraged the behavior. Because of this I have a terrible fear of being humiliated or feeling embarrassed. I think there's a chance I got hit in the head with a blunt object at one point, but I can't say for sure. Something else that has come from this is my extreme distrust of other people. But most of the time I view it as being safe rather than sorry, though deep down I know I should trust some people a little bit more.

Anyways... My boyfriend now (and also my best friend and the person I count on the most) knows enough to know that I suffer from PTSD from abuse due to a boyfriend in the past. He was the one to first suggest to me that I even had PTSD. He's looked up some symptoms and things like that in the past... But I don't think he really understands how much this affects my life from day-to-day. I don't want to keep saying, "Hey I have been through something traumatic, remember?" Because that comes off as being way too self-centered to me. But I desperately need him to somehow relate or at least remember a little bit more than I think he does. I know he means well, but I'm getting worse and worse and he's the person I think that could help me through this the most. He was there for me when we first talked about it like eight months to a year ago, but now it's just like... I'm depressed and crazy and mad all the time and I just don't make any sense. How can I get him to understand me better without having to remind him every single time?

 

[u_phoric]

Hey there. =] This is quite the predicament huh?:cautious: I know what you mean about the feeling like you have to constantly remind people of your condition. I've been through this same thing as far as your end. I just have a different receiver I think (boyfriend). I believe that since we do face our conditions everyday and that sometimes cause those around us struggle to understand or feel tired having to repeatedly deal with us, it leaves us feeling a lot of guilt (at least for me, I constantly feel guilty for my problems and that other people have to deal with them).

For a long time, I went through a great deal of trying to play down or hide what was really me and during the times I was doing this, I found it was mostly with abusive men. They were not open to understanding me. In fact, the best men I have found have been understanding every day. I don't want to imply you have an abusive partner, cause even the nicest guys could probably have trouble understanding or dealing with us. The one thing I want to say is just be yourself. =] The more you try to not recreate yourself everyday, the worse it gets and until our problems are healed, which they aren't yet for you and me, the longer we will stay the way we are, so it's going to be a never-ending thing for you- this trying to explain yourself everyday to someone who doesn't really get it. So, number one, please put yourself first. I know for me, I felt the best when I could just be honest about it - this is what it is, it's everyday. Please remember PTSD changes your brain, it is a real disorder, and it takes a lot of professional help to get better - I guess I'm just trying to help you be comfortable with yourself.

As far as your partner, I think it's important to stand your ground - I always just say, "hey I've told you before that this is how I am and you made a choice to accept it." I don't really like the idea of people walking all over me, cause repeatedly in the past I tried to help the other person understand verses just helping myself to even breathe. I don't have a lot to say about the long-term course of a relationship, because to be honest I haven't got the words to say how a relationship works, lol. I do want to say that over time, though, people get into a "companionship" phase where I think it turns into a kind of i'm used to you, I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore like I did in the beginning, cause I trust you. That's my two cents about that, anyways. Maybe you can still stand your ground a little and get him to back down a little, I don't know him. I don't really think it is self-centered for our condition to repeat to people what they need to realize is a reality. If you had no legs yesterday,you don't have them again today, it doesn't change. This is something he needs to know and if you were going to change, that would be something you would have to work on and a choice you made. Either way, since he's committed he should accept you as you are. I don't know if this helps, but I had some horribly abusive people in my past and one thing I learned was if I hide or don't say up front who I am, people will put on me who I am. I guess it's human nature. I guess my end point here is, let the kid know this is how you've been since you met and that it's nothing personal, you still love him, but you are who ya are.

I don't even know if I helped, but I WAS trying to. Good luck =] x Kate

 

[sharky]

Thank you, Kate. I definitely do have serious guilt feelings, which is a big part of why I have difficulty expressing myself. I am constantly questioning myself, "Do I have the right to bring this up? Why should I ruin their good mood with my negativity? This is my problem, not theirs; they don't deserve to have to deal with it" and so on. And I am at the 'companion stage' that you were talking about, in regards to everything else. It's just that when it comes to this... It's really hard. Also, he's definitely not the abusive type, he's very 'feminine' in his thought process and personality. Which is why he doubles so well for me as also being my best friend. There's hardly an hour of any time of day that isn't spent with him- which is more time I've ever spent with anyone before. But his problem is, at least I think, is that one of his faults is that he forgets things or doesn't draw simple conclusions. Example; I've read before that people with PTSD act this certain way, she acts the same way, it's probably a cause of the PTSD.

It's either he forgot about how PTSD can make people act/think, or he just doesn't draw the conclusions himself. Both he has done in other situations. But maybe I should start talking to him more about everything, so then it's constantly out on the table. But at the same time, I KNOW I'm going to feel ashamed of myself of 'robbing' him of his feelings. Because I know he'll get depressed thinking about this stuff. UGH! I think I just need to get over all of that though and just talk to him. It's been destroying me over the years keeping all of these issues to myself..

 

[Diamond81]

Hi sharky.

if I am in an intimate relationship, one thing that is easy for me to do is lose sight of "boundaries." My own as well as my partner's. At times, I have looked to my partner to "fix me", and then became resentful when this just doesn't happen. I often have had unrealistic expectations of a partner, and this has destroyed what might have been an otherwise healthy relationship.

I am the one with PTSD. It isn't my fault I have it, I didn't cause it, but I AM responsible for tending to myself just as a diabetic is responsible for administering insulin. Each relationship I've had has been a two part "discovery" process for my partner: there is me, and there is my PTSD. I am not my disorder, I HAVE a disorder.

I do believe it is healthy and good for me to cultivate a private self that I don't have to share with others. I don't mean to isolate, withdraw or anything like that.It's just that like it or not, I am my OWN best friend and I am the only on who will never leave me. I am in the process of learning it is OK to be who I am even if my partner doesn't fully "get it", it is OK. yes, it is essential for many of us that our partners have some understanding of our disorder, but I am coming to the place where I no longer feel the compulsion to "tell my story" over and over and over.

Any partner I have must accept that I need alone time, that I may not always respond to them in the manner they might expect. if they can deal with that, fine. I have had some very stormy and destructive relationships (don't we all?) and I came to a place where I almost decided not to even try anymore.

Also, I am learning to move out of the "victim mode" in my intimate relationships. What I mean byu this is that in the past, I have inflicting myself on people I cared very much for, in an attempt to get them to do the work necessary to have a relationship with ME. I now understand it is sort of the other way around. By my continually pressing the other person to "try to understand me",

I realized I was being unfair and expecting my partner to carry a burden that is mine to carry. I also realized that if I am ever going to have a healthy relationship, I cannot position myself to an inferior position in the relationship by always feeling like I am the one with "the problem". Oh yeah, I DO have problems by the thing is, I no longer attempt to find a therapist as a partner. I don't look for relationships where the other person can fix me. I am not saying you are doing this, I am just relaying some personal experience.

I try to do things now to take care of myself that do NOT involve a partner. it is because of an intimate partner relationship that I DO have outside support, because I know I can literally drown my partner. often in the past, I have opted not to share the details of my therapy sessions with a partner either, and this allows me some balance, some autonomy in the relationship.

Of course, ALL of the above is a work in progress for me, and it is a fact that I have to work harder to have a good relationship that those who do not have this disorder but I dont resent that

 

[missmary]

I'm dating my best friend of the last 14 years. We are 30. When we were in high school, I dated his best friend before him. His best friend was my first love- we were together for 3 years. He and I moved in together when we were 16 and 18 because we were kicked out of our houses for "being together" (Romeo & Juliet anyone?). When we moved in together, things spiralled out of control and he was a weird, massochistic, abusive man who sexually assaulted me as well. That's a new one for me, as I just came to realize it through therapy.

Anyhow, my parents were also really abusive; my boyrfriend now grew up with me so he knew about it, he knew about his best friend beating me up and all my little skeletons. He is the ONE person on this planet who knows the real me- in and out with no secrets.

Well, he comes from a place of warmth, with parents and family who encourage him and support him. He has NO idea what it's like to actually go through what I have. He saw it, hell he even kocked the tooth of the exboyfriend's face in my defense way back when. (My hero! gag!)

He's been my soldier, my rock and my my companion- my everything. But for some reason, he can't support me through this in a way that I feel I need him to. He tries, but he's all "I don't get it, why can't you just move on? Why live in the past?" and it's really hard to explain to him that it's not living in the past... The words are so hard to get to.

I brought him into a session with me in the hopes that my T could clarify some of this for me to him. Instead, it turned into a Him Fest and he wouldn't shut up the entire time to let the T get a word in edge wise. We left with him feeling great, and me feeling worse than when I went in...

So then what? I basically put it to him like this, and the key is to MEAN IT:
I can't expect you to understand what it is I'm going through. But I'm going through it, and I can't help this. You have a choice in this, I do not. If you want to be involved and supportive and a part of this with me, then I need you to WANT TO KNOW and WANT TO PUT the work in. Sometimes it's just about letting me vent and be crazy and you holding me and stroking my hair reminding me that it changes nothing, you love me and you boarded this crazy-train with a purchased ticket!! I don't need you to fix anything, if you could you would have done it already.
If you can't do that, that's ok too. It's asking a lot and I get that. But then you need to let me do me right now and just leave it at that.

This is where I'm at now. He seems to do well under these conditions. If he can't deal- he leaves it all alone (nicely of course) and I get to do what I need to for me. If he wants to participate he has to invest in that and be sensitive.

Maybe this is bad advice, but it works well for us for right now. He knows what's happened, and what's been done do he can at least give me that even if he doesn't understand why I'm still so affected. He's healthy, he comes from a healthy undamaged place, and I'm GLAD he doesn't get it.

 

[ChicagoCarl]

Link him to this thread! Seriously. It would go a long way for him to see your personal struggles written out, and how much you care about him and don't want to bother him despite your need to share these things with him. Sometimes it takes a different form of communication to get something across the right way.

 

[SpikeBall]

My new boyfriend has researched extensively, and he almost understands the disorder better than I do now, or he seems to. Since he seems to know so much, I trust him to be honest. When I say "I can't focus" I know he gets it. When I say, I need to get out of here, we do, and joke around about it. I researched it myself while getting into the new relationship, to know from a different perspective what the disorder is, how he would see it. I would recommend researching yourself through his eyes and sending him the articles you think can help him understand. He probably doesn't know what you're dealing with day to day-send him the symptoms you have.
Honestly, he needs to be very supportive, not only because healing cannot take place without support, but because he is your trigger and you are most symptomatic around him. You do need to lean on him a little, and he does need to understand.
I hope that helps!