I have read and reread the "Let's Talk Suicide" ( https://www.myptsd.com/lets-talk-suicide/661/ )
article and I feel terrible that I didn't realize sooner that my SO is/was/has been/could be suicidal. He hasn't acted on anything yet and we communicate on some level on a daily basis. We both have PTSD. His is combat veteran specific. I've known when loved ones were suicidal in the past and although difficult to admit, have been suicidal myself, but I never noticed it in him.
I know I shouldn't blame myself (especially considering that we've only known each other 5 months and we're long distance i.e. 1,200 mi apart) and yet after reading that article, I think he's been suicidal since long before we met, and been trying to communicate it to me.
When we were first talking he would always say how he'll always be there for me until he dies. He explained that he was injured overseas and is only going to live a few more years. He told me a lot about his pain and yet no specifics on his apparent impending passing. I never pushed for details because I know it's not my place to do so and inflict pain in the process.
He talked about how he's working as hard as he can to save up X amount of money to give to his nieces and nephews in his will. He almost always talks as if he doesn't have a future. (I mention a cpap for his sleep apnea, and he replies that only people who are gonna live for awhile use those). He's not interested in or finds enjoyment out of a lot of things that he did before deployment. I thought that it was mostly PTSD related before.
He hasn't told me any specific plans, only that he's come to terms with the amount of life he has and that he won't be in pain anymore.
However, after all of that, I'm questioning myself on if he's still suicidal or ever was in the first place.
I don't have "proof" of his "diagnosis." But I also know that he struggles with a lot.
Lately (within the past month or so), he hasn't been as apprehensive when I talk about the future. He also told me that he's on medication for his anxiety when I mentioned that I have anxiety. He also hasn't mentioned his "shortened timeline" in the past month, when he used to almost every day.
A very important factor he told me is that he saw a "shrink" recently. I don't know if he sees someone regularly or not. I just graduated from my psychology certificate and promised I'd never "shrink" him. He did seem relieved when I told him I understand what he talks about (medications, triggers, etc.).
He doesn't have strong (if any) family/friend support where he is. I feel like he reached out to me in the first place because he was lonely and just wanted to be heard before he's gone.
At this point I don't know what to do. My instinct is to keep doing what I have been (offering support even if he doesn't take it just to let him know he isn't alone; let him know I love him and care; and don't push him to talk about things that are/could be triggers). I don't want to be too pushy either, sometimes when I talk to him too much or about too deep of topics, he severely withdraws from me. Is there anything else I can/should do?...
If you took the time to read through all this, I'm grateful. If you have any thoughts, advice, experiences; please share.
article and I feel terrible that I didn't realize sooner that my SO is/was/has been/could be suicidal. He hasn't acted on anything yet and we communicate on some level on a daily basis. We both have PTSD. His is combat veteran specific. I've known when loved ones were suicidal in the past and although difficult to admit, have been suicidal myself, but I never noticed it in him.
I know I shouldn't blame myself (especially considering that we've only known each other 5 months and we're long distance i.e. 1,200 mi apart) and yet after reading that article, I think he's been suicidal since long before we met, and been trying to communicate it to me.
When we were first talking he would always say how he'll always be there for me until he dies. He explained that he was injured overseas and is only going to live a few more years. He told me a lot about his pain and yet no specifics on his apparent impending passing. I never pushed for details because I know it's not my place to do so and inflict pain in the process.
He talked about how he's working as hard as he can to save up X amount of money to give to his nieces and nephews in his will. He almost always talks as if he doesn't have a future. (I mention a cpap for his sleep apnea, and he replies that only people who are gonna live for awhile use those). He's not interested in or finds enjoyment out of a lot of things that he did before deployment. I thought that it was mostly PTSD related before.
He hasn't told me any specific plans, only that he's come to terms with the amount of life he has and that he won't be in pain anymore.
However, after all of that, I'm questioning myself on if he's still suicidal or ever was in the first place.
I don't have "proof" of his "diagnosis." But I also know that he struggles with a lot.
Lately (within the past month or so), he hasn't been as apprehensive when I talk about the future. He also told me that he's on medication for his anxiety when I mentioned that I have anxiety. He also hasn't mentioned his "shortened timeline" in the past month, when he used to almost every day.
A very important factor he told me is that he saw a "shrink" recently. I don't know if he sees someone regularly or not. I just graduated from my psychology certificate and promised I'd never "shrink" him. He did seem relieved when I told him I understand what he talks about (medications, triggers, etc.).
He doesn't have strong (if any) family/friend support where he is. I feel like he reached out to me in the first place because he was lonely and just wanted to be heard before he's gone.
At this point I don't know what to do. My instinct is to keep doing what I have been (offering support even if he doesn't take it just to let him know he isn't alone; let him know I love him and care; and don't push him to talk about things that are/could be triggers). I don't want to be too pushy either, sometimes when I talk to him too much or about too deep of topics, he severely withdraws from me. Is there anything else I can/should do?...
If you took the time to read through all this, I'm grateful. If you have any thoughts, advice, experiences; please share.
