General How Do I Know He's Getting The Right Treatment?

[Dandelion]

For those of you that haven't read my other posts, long story short: my bf is in the military, multiple deployments, says he was never exposed to anything "scary", but began showing major ptsd symptoms immediately after his ex moved his children across the country.

From the advice I've received on here (by the way, thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who's taken the time to help me make sense of it all), I've learned that his kids being taken away was most likely the trigger that brought out his ptsd. My next obstacle in understanding all of this is trying to figure out if he's getting the right treatment.

After both of us suffering through his symptoms the past couple of years, he finally agreed to start therapy a few weeks ago. He won't really talk about it, so I don't even know if there's been an official diagnosis.

My concern is that he has always dismissed that there's any way he could possibly have ptsd (which is why I didn't immediately consider that to be the cause of his drastic change in behavior after the kids moved). I don't know if he dismissed it due to a pride kind of thing or if he just doesn't know much about it....probably a little of both.

I guess I'm just scared that if he does have a trauma, he wouldn't admit it - even to his therapist. I don't know what he's telling his therapist in there, so I don't know if he's being open about the severity of his symptoms. Sometimes I wish I could talk to the guy myself and tell him all of the changes I've observed, but my bf is very uncomfortable with the whole thing and doesn't want me involved. I guess I can understand how that would be too overwhelming for him right now.

Can anyone give any advice on how I could get some reassurance that he's in good hands? I hear so many stories about people having trouble finding the right therapist and I just want to feel comfortable that he's getting the help he needs.

 

[Hashi]

What sort of therapist is he seeing (eg trauma specialist? found through veterans' association? found privately?).

 

[Dandelion]

I'm not sure. He didn't want to see any of the doctors on base because he felt that they aren't truly confidential. When he requested therapy, he requested an outside therapist. Once that was approved, he was given a list of therapists to choose from and he just picked one. I have no idea if it's a specialist or not. I don't even know the doctor's name.

 

[p-no]

Dandelion, I don't think you will be able to tell if this particular therapist and therapy is exactly what he needs right now. I think that since it's his first ever (I gather), he may well not know himself. A therapy (non-medication) is always based on a relationship, i.e. that of the therapist and the client. As is the case with any relationship, usually it takes time to establish a healthy and good one. In trauma therapy, building the foundation (trust) is the first step. Depending on issues, therapist and the willingness and ability to put effort and time in it, this may take half a year to a year. Sometimes you will hear people say that "only then will therapy really start", but that is not the case. The trust building is a vital first step! As relationships are not never-changing constants, it is necessary to build up a lot of trust in order for the changes (for example due to trauma coming up) to be taken care of in a healthy way for both the client and the relationship for further work.

It will take time until you can tell. Also, if things are rough at the beginning, it doesn't mean it will stay like that. Relationships are what I have most trouble with today, so forming the relationship and allowing the trust to build plus being an active part of that can be a tough one. Things becoming rough though doesn't necessarily mean things are going wrong.

I do understand and can relate to your worries about him getting the help he needs. It's not easy not to know what's going on. I hope you have your own support system, part of which can be the forum. Naturally, when one partner changes, there are effects on the relationship and the other partner involved. Make sure you take care of what lies ahead for you as well. Despite feeling unsure about things right now, try to stand back and be there rather than try to push things out of him. Asking is one thing and totally okay, but if he doesn't talk, he doesn't talk. That's not a given for all times.

 

[Hashi]

Sorry, I missed that he's still serving.

If it's from a list he was given, then I think you can trust that the therapist is competent and qualified, and has relevant knowledge and experience. Beyond that, I echo what prime-no says. You can't be in the therapy room. You need to leave the process to him and his therapist.

I don't know if this is any consolation, but I think it's possible that your lack of involvement in this could actually be a positive. The more privacy there is, the safer it is to open up to the therapist. I wouldn't like anyone to know what I talk to my therapist about, not even an outline. The less anyone else knows or asks, the more effective my therapy's likely to be.

Personally, I wouldn't like to be asked anything relating to what's being covered. I wouldn't really like suggestions from someone significant in my life that they might talk to the therapist. I'd be OK with them saying these things once, that if I ever want to talk about it or have the other person involved in any way, the offer is there. I think it's also fair for it to be raised (in a general way) if it needs to be discussed again because of issues in the relationship. Beyond that, I wouldn't like repeated questions or offers. It would make me more guarded and defensive.

It sounds like your partner is feeling very protective of his privacy, by seeing someone outside and by not wanting you to talk to the therapist. I think the best thing to do is respect that and trust him. I also think that as long as you have no good reason otherwise, you can trust the therapist too.

The fact that your partner is going, and is guarding his privacy around it, is to me a good sign. I know it's hard, but I think giving him that privacy gives his therapy the best chance to help him.

 

[Dandelion]

Thank you both for your great responses. I'm trying so hard to make some sense of all this so that I can better understand his point of view as well as know what to expect. The advice you've both given me means a lot, it really does.

I feel like all the rules in life have changed since this happened to him - things he used to love doing, he now hates doing. Things we used to talk about openly are now off limits. I'm constantly having to recalculate my expectations of him because his behavior always seems to be changing. You know how a GPS reconfigures the route when you make a turn that's not on course? That's what I feel like my life has become with him - a GPS that always reconfiguring it's route.

I hope that with his therapy and my continued learning of his disorder, we'll finally be able settle back into a less confusing, more familiar route. That's another thing - I don't even know for certain if it's PTSD since he's not willing to talk about his therapy. I really don't know what else it would be though, he has textbook symptoms. I just wish I at least knew what it was so that I could feel confident that I'm educating myself on the correct disorder.

 

[Hashi]

I don't even know for certain if it's PTSD since he's not willing to talk about his therapy.

I don't know how long he's been going, but depending on that there might not be a diagnosis yet. I had psychotherapy for six months before I was diagnosed. The therapist I saw always bases diagnoses on discussion and observation over time. Not every therapist works like that, but I thought I'd mention it so you know it's a possibility.

I can only speak for myself, but I think it would be reasonable for you to ask him to let you know when he has a diagnosis, for the reasons you've given. Then wait until he does.

Dandelion, it sounds like you're doing a great job of wanting to be there for him and to do that in an informed way. I think he's lucky to have your support.