How Do I Reconnect With My Wife?

[IraqVet86]

I have really been struggling the last few of months. My mind seems to be on a loop, where all I can think about is Iraq, death, and how miserable I am.
I have been completely incapable of being close to my wife lately, and it is even hard for me to connect with my daughter. This doesn't exactly help my depression because everyday I feel like shit it effects my family more and more.
My wife and I used to be intimate all the time, but now I don't even think about that much.
What the hell should I do to keep from tearing my family apart and alienating them?
I want my family to know that I love them and I tell them all the time. But I'm sure even my daughter can sense that I am not really with them. My soul is trapped in the desert.

Does anyone have any advice?
I feel like I am the most selfish person in the world. My wife has to bear so much of the burden of parenting. I feel so distant.
I'm too frustrated to even finish my thoughts on this post.

 

[Jimmy1]

IV86, this is a really hard subject mate, but one that we all suffer from; however, its not something you would normally openly talk about.

Intimacy is one thing that goes by the way side unfortunately. I has to do with all these emotions and feelings and is one thing that I am currently working on with my therapist.

After my wife left me I went under a rock for a while, but when I came out, I felt like a porn star. I had no problems at all. Then I met Margaret. In the beginning when we were dating, there was no problems at all, but after we got close and all the barriers were eroded, everything went pair shaped.

It's not that I don't find my wife to be attractive, she is beautiful and awesome, I just don't have intimate thoughts.

How are we dealing with it??? Communications, talk to her, show her you love her in other ways. Same with your daughter (how old is she). If she is old enough to understand, talk to her. Tell them both you are not well.

But the biggest most important thing is that you try your hardest to get better and do everything the therapist says.

It will work out in the end if you relationship is strong.

But I will be honest and tell you this..... Some women cannot handle the isolation and the pushing away, even though they know you don't mean it. They just can't bear it. I had to be sure of this with Margaret, otherwise there would be no ring going on her finger.

I don't know how strong your marriage is mate, and I don't know you or your wife, but if she chose to walk away, don't blame her, I would not want to live with someone with PTSD.

Just my thoughts.

Jimmy

 

[Anglesachse]

I pushed my misses and nipper away for years IV mate, all the way to her throwing in the towl and throwing me out onto the scrap heap. She couldn`t watch me on "Self Destruct" anymore I pushed her all the way into depression.

It was only when she saw me trying to sort myself out in the clinic that she even started to speak to me again, and when I was discharged it still took another 2 months before she would let me back into the house.

I certainly never intended on hurting her or my son, and am gratefull to her that she did what she could so long she could, but it is down to you/us alone to do something about the predicament we are in.

Today with all the history and answers as to why, she can cope a lot better and understands why I go of my nutter because some civvie dickhead can`t park their car within the white lines on the carpark. But I still have to work on myself on a daily basis. And that means that it can and does get better. We can now also talk about shit, and we make an extra effort to speak to each other as to what is wrong at that moment.

Kinda making it sound easy, which it isn`t it is damn hard work, and there are still days when I say "f*ck it" because I just haven`t got the energy. But those days are fewer.

Basicaly the only way you can show that you love your family is in that, you do every thing in YOUR power to get your self sorted. No one can do it for you.

 

[Jibby]

IV, I could have written most parts of that post, and it would be from the heart how it is here as well.

Communication is key as said above; but if you're struggling to verbalise it (as I do/have) but want her to know how much you care/love still and how much its killing you; can you show her what you wrote there as a starter?

Show her the post and walk out the room and go out for a hour or work for a day if you have to and don't want to discuss the mess in your head with her rightaway.

Sometimes writing it, even if not direct to her, is way easier. And from acorns oak trees grow and once you start the comms its lot easier each time. Surprised me how much.

 

[IraqVet86]

Hey thanks for the feedback guys. Everytime I think about this I get a little overwhelmed.
Yesterday I got home at 0600 from working overnight and woke up my wife. I told her that I love her and I want to be the guy she married,not a sad traumatized vet. Then I drove over an hour straight to the VA clinic and told them I was having a crisis and wanted to talk to someone about meds "right now".
Hopefully medicating will be much better than all the avoidance that I have been up to recently.
Also, I think that letting her see me so vulnerable, while I was having a "crisis" will help her realize that I am not just avoiding her and being cold...but that I have seriously got some problems that need working through.

 

[Anglesachse]

(y) WTG IV mucker, spot on. Its f*cking hard, but we need to do it. You done good.