Sexual Assault How Do I Stop Blaming Myself For My Assualt?

[MoonGoddessHeart]

What does self-blame look like? And how do I stop internalizing the blame for my sexual assault?

I know intellectually it wasn't my fault, however, some days I feel so much shame. And that just makes me feel angry and I have a lot of misplaced anger towards the world. It all makes me feel so weak. That I was first sexually assaulted by a group of boys in high school who pushed me down one night and started taking turns grabbing and playing with my tits. sucking on them.

The second was my rape in college when I wouldn't have sex with a guy. How do I get over the feeling that if I would have done something different, had different morals, didn't get drunk that these things wouldn't have happened to me?

Also, does the daily struggle of working and managing my triggers get better? Will there be a time that I've implemented enough coping mechanisms and healed enough that I won't have the daily reminder of my trauma?

 

[illusionist]

I found telling myself that I did, what I had to do, at the time, helps....the scenario, was the scenario....I can't change that. I can change nothing about what happened...so I changed my thinking. Yes, there are times I self blame, but I've learned to ' accept '.....for me, fighting back, screaming no would have put me in a worse situation than the outcome I had....but that's my situation with my adult rapes.....and it helps me to think along those lines.

For me, the daily struggle really has become easier...I hope it does for you too...give it time....expect glitches, and accept them......that's perfectly normal for us.

 

[Gs172003]

There is no easy answer cause so many of us are the same way. We know it wasn't us but yet can't help the "if only I had fill in the blank this would have never happened" but the truth is the person that did such acts had no right to no matter what it was we did it didn't do any more than a theif has a right to walk into an unlocked house and rob you blind. Keep that in mind. As far as the coping that takes a danged good therapist and is very individual at least from what I am seeing from these threads. Good luck.

 

[Friday]

For myself... I figure out what blame is actually mine.

I can take the blame for almost anything, something that happened 5,000 miles away? Easy. So things I was actually present for? Pfft.

Part of it is that I'm a control freak, and know it. I have a pretty fundamental belief that if something is my fault, then I can fix it. Thing is? That's mostly true. And it serves me really well in a lot of things. But not everything that is my fault, is something I can fix, some thing are unfixable. And just because I want it to be my fault, so I can fix it, doesn't mean it's fixable, or my fault. So I have to break shit down into pieces and look at the actual components. Okay what's my fault, what's fixable, what's not fixable; what's not my fault, what's fixable, & what's not fixable.

For example... If I get drunk? That's my fault. What are the consequences for getting drunk? ALL of them? (From dehydration to loss of inhibitions, there are dozens of possible consequences for drinking). Those are the things I can fix by not getting drunk. Or by doing things like hydrating. Is rape anywhere on that list? Nope. Why? I never rape myself because I'm drunk. Someone else has to do that. My being drunk may have lead to a series of bad decisions on my part, it may also have led to crippling myself physically, making it harder to get away & turning my normal fighting skills (mediocre) into just plain lousy. But absolutely nowhere on that list does it give me the power to control other people's minds or bodies. Alcohol does NOT give me God-Mode. It doesn't make people my puppets. It just doesn't. In order for me to be raped while drunk, someone else has to do that. And I didn't make them. I don't have control over other people. Not sober. Not drunk.

That's just a piece of it, mind. I really do break shit down into very small pieces. Like not being able to fight while drunk? Meant I learned how to. By deliberately practicing. I'll never be as good a fighter drunk as sober, my reactions will always be slower, etc. But I put in the time to learn what those limits were. But how does one practice not getting raped while drunk? You don't. You can't. Because, again, rape isn't a byproduct of drinking. Slowed reaction time? Byproduct of drinking. Rape? Byproduct of a rapist.

 

[Gs172003]

Going along with Fridays answer.. My therapist suggested I take kick boxing to feel more empowered. I won't because the class is too late but maybe equipping yourself to possibly prevent as much as you can any further jerks from getting their hands on you can help. But the rest? Not. Your. Fault.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think we forget there were maybe reasons we didn't or couldn't do other things/ choices, & even other choices may not have entirely helped.

What was said earlier about doing it differently in the future may help, but ultimately it couldn't be different then/ wasn't.

I'm not sure what purpose self-blame fills? Maybe self-punishment? Idk.