How Do I Tell My Therapist This?

[Justmehere]

They will probably call my treating therapist.

I think I just sabotaged everything. I'm freaking out. They won't admit me if I haven't talked to my therapist about this! My therapist won't keep seeing me if I do this!

I want to just hide from the world and myself. Oh my gosh, what have I done? I didn't put her down as the referring provider just the treating therapist. Everything on the form was completely honest. But I put her down as current treating therapist and I have not even talked to her that I am sending this in. I see her tomorrow but they could call her today and I am so freaking out right now. I'm going to burn her out. Everyone leaves. I think all logic has left my mind.

The admissions coordinator just emailed me back and said she got the forms. Oh crap. I can't even tell them nevermind. I want to be better! Now I have created a mess!

 

[TimeToHeal]

Dear @Justmehere - take a deep breath! You have not sabotaged anything, you have not created a mess, your therapist will not be disappointed in you, and she will not lose faith in you. Everything is ok, and you've done nothing wrong.

I can feel your anxiety and desperation in your posts. I think it's a very positive thing that you want to get better and are reaching out for the extra help. You really need to communicate to her in some way about your self injury returning. Be it via phone, text, email, or in person. I feel certain she will be concerned about you, but certainly not disappointed.

I also think it is important that you find a way to let her know you are having difficulty being totally open and talking freely with her. My therapist tells me, "Secrets keep us sick." And I think it's so true. Another one that I like is, "If you don't DO anything different, you won't GET anything different."

What did your psychiatrist say when you talked to him about all of this?

Hang in there. :hug: if you'll accept them.

 

[Jane.l]

You are doing something positive to help yourself and to keep yourself safe that's a really good thing .

 

[Justmehere]

@Time to Heal - thank you for the reassurance.

"If you don't DO anything different, you won't GET anything different."

Good saying! this is sticking with me. She is right about secrets keeping us sick too...
Thank you for the hugs.

@Jane.l thank you. My goal is to do something good.

 

[Justmehere]

My psychiatrist was less than helpful. He quickly offered to refer me to the center out of state, and asked, "Are you going to kill yourself today? Do I need to have the police come and take you to the hospital?" I explained, no, I am trying to find a way to cope better... sigh. It was a weird conversation. He fully supported going to the treatment program. But as long as I'm not imminently suicidal, he's not sure what to do. He offered to see me, but he just started me on a new medication last week, and I'm not ready to start any others.

I texted my therapist. I asked if she would not drop me as a client if I went there for two weeks. (the minimum required length of treatment at the intensive trauma treatment program is 2 weeks.) I was just so frantic that if I go, she will drop me. Then I got worried I was overstepping some unspoken boundary about what is ok to text... so I texted nevermind, and that I would talk to her at my appointment tomorrow. She texted back and said, no, she would not drop me as a client, and she wanted me to know that even if the question was moot.

I texted my therapist. I asked if she would not drop me as a client if I went there for two weeks. (the minimum required length of treatment at the intensive trauma treatment program.) Then I got worried I was overstepping some unspoken boundary about what is ok to text. Yep, my anxiety is running my mind in circles today. I couldn't quite restrain myself, and I texted to her, "nevermind, I will talk to you at my appointment tomorrow."
She texted back and said, "no, I will not drop you as a client if you go (there) for two weeks, for the record, even if the question is moot."

Relentless. She is relentlessly accepting of me.

I should just tell her! I have this problem, I self injure. Please don't leave. Please don't.

Early on, I told her, I have "coped in bad ways." We left it at that.

I think I need to tell her tomorrow, "I don't know if you remember me saying early on that I coped with all the trauma in bad ways, but the main bad coping mechanism I used what that I used to self injure, and that problem is back... and I'm scared. I don't want to be this way."

 

[TimeToHeal]

Yay @Justmehere, good for you for texting her! It sounds like it was successful in putting one of your worries to rest. You have every reason to think you will get an appropriate and supportive/helpful response when you tell her of your self injuring.

I think what you wrote above about a way to tell her, is great! If you're worried about "chickening out," consider sending her a text before you go, telling her you have something you really need to tell her but you're having a super difficult time finding the words and will she please ask you about it. Just an idea. :)

 

[Rumors]

I think it is important to remember that it is highly likely that your therapist has had other clients who have self harmed and that, although it is worrisome, she will have some experience in the situation. I urge you to try and take a nice bath, read a book, eat a nice meal, and be kind to yourself. You haven't done anything wrong by taking steps to feel better. I think your therapist will be happy that you are being proactive in getting better. Breathe... Sending loads of strength!

 

[Justmehere]

@TimeToHeal - telling her I had something hard to tell her really helped!

@Rumors - that is such a good point and it helped me have courage at my appointment today.

Today, I told her I needed to tell her something hard to say. I told her sometimes I really want to hurt myself but not to die, and then I went numb and I was upset I was numb. That's as far as I got. She told me it didn't surprise her, and "it's just another way people try to cope with trauma. It is what it is."

She said we can talk about it more over time, and then she helped me ground. She then talked about something that helped me remember ways to cope with the feelings - it's hard to explain without rambling on and on, but it felt like she was really pulling on what she knew of me so far.

I told her the treatment program helped me stop before and I don't fully want to go, but I keep getting so scared and I keep coping badly, and I feel like I need to go and I kind of want to go. Then I started to get numb again and she helped me ground again.

I told her I was scared I was overwhelming her and would keep overwhelming her, and she would quit. I started to cry.

Her voice got very soft, and she said I wasn't overwhelming her. I looked right at her went she said it, and my heart relaxed...

She said she was very reassured I was telling her when I "freak out" (my words) and have thoughts of "wanting to hurt yourself or when you do hurt yourself because now I don't have to worry about (justmehere) as much. It's harder when you don't tell me, and I then I wonder. But now, I know you will tell me when you need help. If we can have that as a contract, if you can keep telling me when you have those thoughts or when it gets too hard, then I know better how to help."

I replied, "but it's so often right now. Like every day sometimes."

She said with this very accepting tone she has, "so it's every day sometimes. It is not always going to be this way for you, and you are not overwhelming me."

"So you are ok with me? I mean we are ok?"

"We are ok."

I asked if we could talk more about all this and the treatment program next week - she said "gladly."

I don't know if we are on the same page or not. I was so vague, but at the same time, she seemed to get some of what I was trying to say.

Her talking about the "contract" was so informal and yet matter of fact... Like she spoke of it like not some huge agreement, but like a way of relating. She didn't ask me to not hurt myself. She mostly just told me that she can help the more I tell her. Later on in the session she again said "the more you come to tell me when you feel this way, the more I can help."

I'm very avoidant about reaching out for help from helping authority figure types. She has told me before that with some people, she has to encourage them to be more self reliant, contact her less, but that in my case, she thinks I am at the other end of the spectrum. So maybe is she is trying to help me shift more than one pattern with all of this.

The only things I know for sure is that she is still pretty unrattled by me and that I am going to keep talking to her about all of this.

Thank you everyone for the support in helping me get this far and keep sharing more and more with my therapist so I can change and heal.

 

[TimeToHeal]

Yay, so proud of you, @Justmehere! I knew you could do it! :hug: to you!

 

[Rumors]

That is great @Justmehere! I am really happy that you were able to convey how you were feeling and some of your thoughts. That, in itself, must be a relief. Secrets are so draining and when you know that you have them, but need to tell it is like it haunts you until the words come out. I hope you feel like you have purged some secrets and that your soul is a little lighter today. Being able to share those words at least brings light to healing. Sending loads of strength! Hang in there!

 

[City Slicker]

You are doing such good work. It sounds like you have a therapist that is 'with it' and understand a lot of stuff. Sounds like a strong working alliance.

 

[Sally sue]

@Justmehere wow! That is some really big progress that you've made!!! Congratulations :)!

I have been on a similar journey, having significant trust issues :(. But I guess if you (like me) didn't grow up learning it was safe to share your feelings,and what's happening, how could you know?!

When my self-injury urge was really high and I had woken up with a plan, I emailed my T telling her about it, and then told her that I thought by telling her I wouldn't do it because I want/try to hide it or I'll say it was some random accident :(. It's just so hard to feel that they won't abandoned you (me, for sure ha) because we do things that we can't really understand either.

My T always says it makes sense to her, that I'm trying to cope the best I can, but maybe by telling our T we are learning a NEW way :).

Keep plugging on :cool:,
Sally Sue