How do I tell my therapist to stop?

[FauxLiz]

I am struggling right now. The therapist I have been seeing since the first of the year is making me uncomfortable in sessions but I don't know how to tell him that it is problematic for me because he isn't doing anything wrong or bad. The more we talk the more I say the further away I feel like he is driving me. He says things like he cares about me, he admires me and my struggle to do the hard work and every time he says something like that I freak and panic and I want to run as far away as fast as I can.

How do I explain to him that his saying the exact things that I dream about are the things that are driving me to push him away. I think this t could do good work with me if I let him but I am also terrified of becoming attached to him to the extent that it interferes with my ability to work with him.

 

[blackemerald1]

He says things like he cares about me, he admires me and my struggle to do the hard work and every time he says something like that I freak and panic and I want to run as far away as fast as I can.

So.. obviously you are having really big issues with having someone, even in a professional setting, care about what happens to you and acknowledge how strong and determined you are.

Do your normally have a problem with being encouraged and praised for looking after yourself? If you do, it might be a good idea to bring this up with him.

How do I explain to him that his saying

By telling him just what you wrote. Or if you find that too confronting can you write it down and hand it to him in a session or email him before a session so you don't have to see his initial reaction if this is what you find difficult.

I once had a therapist whose voice sounded alarmingly like a perpetrator. I tried really hard to push past it but I was so distracted by it that it was never going to work. I told him and then stopped going to see him. There was no way around it but for you, maybe it's part of your trauma idk. I hope you can work on this with him because it sounds like it is really important.

And... btw I too care about you and admire how hard you are working. :)

 

[Kubash16]

I agree with @blackemerald1. I would highly suggest telling him or writing it down for him. This is something he definitely needs to know about.

I wouldn’t expect him to completely stop. The scenario I could see happening is he will back off and be more subtle/less often, but will challenge you to learn to accept the positive language.

I get it though. I have a really hard time with in person compliments for several different ways. My T knew this because we ended up talking about it pretty early on, but then he made kind of a point to slide that language in in different places. It doesn’t bother me as much anymore especially since the source is someone I now trust. I still have issues if it’s strangers.

 

[NightSky]

I talk to my T about “the wall” and the things she occasionally does to make it go up, even though I don’t want it to. And we examine why that happens, to chip away at that defensiveness. In the first couple years of therapy I found it super difficult when she would be validating. It would make me dissociate and it would bounce right off of me. I told her that a good number of times, usually through email. Almost what you’re saying, like “I feel like I need validation, but I can’t ‘hear’ it or accept it. It falls short of reaching me and puts me on the defense.” We’ve had so many conversations at this point that it has gotten easier and I’m not afraid to communicate honestly.
Because you say he’s saying the exact things you dream about, it sounds like there are parts of you who really need to hear it, and then protective parts who don’t want you vulnerable. That makes sense. And he can help you work out how to navigate that.

 

[FauxLiz]

@blackemerald1 you asked if I have issues accepting validation in everyday life and the answer is yes and no, yes because on the rare occasion I have gotten an attaboy in the past I generally freak out. No because as a rule I don't get validation from anyone.
As for talking to my t about this I think that terrifies me more than talking about my traumas.

@Kubash16 I don't just want him to be more subtle or back off I want him to stop saying those things because I can't handle them at least not right now.

@NightSky you are right that a wall goes up but I don't think of it as being a protective part I don't think in terms of parts at all, and while I think that at some point I will be able to accept compliments, validation even vulnerability but right now is not the time. I will push him away, we didn't discuss this topic during our last session but I did push him, and I admitted to him that I was trying to get him to terminate me or force an issue where I would terminate with him.

 

[Friday]

it is problematic for me because he isn't doing anything wrong or bad.

It doesn’t have to be wrong or bad to say stop

 

[blackemerald1]

As for talking to my t about this I think that terrifies me more than talking about my traumas.

What is the worst outcome that you can imagine happening if you told him to stop saying those words? Is that outcome better or worse than you terminating your potentially very useful and healing therapy?

 

[NightSky]

I don’t even think you have to think in terms of parts, officially, any more than you would if you were trying to decide what to do on a day off: part of me wants to lay on the couch and Netflix binge but part of me knows I have to clean. It’s clear part of you needs to hear those things and another part doesn’t know how to deal with them. The part that doesn’t want your T to say them is likely a part of you that doesn’t know how to accept it or is afraid of attachment. That’s real and valid. And it’s okay if now is not the time! You definitely want to avoid things that trigger the wall, and the only way to do that is communicate them.

 

[barefoot]

I feel conflicted like this with my T too sometimes....I both want her to be kind to me and her being kind also makes me feel panicky and fearful and also sort of angry...I want to feel close to her and I want to create distance....I can think about her before a session and feel comforted by picturing her kind smile or remembering something supportive she has said or done and I’m looking forward to our next session and then I sit in the room with her and can’t even look at her and just want to leave.

I think that push/pull in therapy is quite common, especially with trauma clients.

It is probably the thing I struggle with most in therapy because it’s so intense and confusing. I’m sort of in that place now, though not as intensely as I have been before. I’m not yet at the stage where I’m seriously planning my exit...constantly fantasising about firing her or wondering what I could do to make her fire me (a thought that is both terrifying and exhilarating) But I’m noticing that the conflict is surfacing and that I need to monitor it and consider mentioning it to her.

If it helps at all, I kept this stuff to myself for ages. But when my fantasies about firing her (like your therapist, she hadn’t done anything bad/wrong either) became such ever present ruminations between sessions it just became so exhausting and stressful and distressing...I bit the bullet and blurted that I kept thinking about firing her, even though I didn’t think she’d done anything wrong. We had a brief but good chat about it. It felt fairly excruciating to tell her, to be honest, but it was worthwhile...pretty much straightaway, those thoughts/anxieties calmed down. Telling her seemed to really take the power out of it.

I hope you’re able to express this to your T - either face to face in a session or in writing. It doesn’t even have to be a massive conversation at this point, if you don’t want it to be. Something really brief and simple so he knows what you’re experiencing at the moment and so he might be able to either help you work on it or else just step back and put some space around it for you for now. Just something like “I’m having a hard time with something and just wanted you to know. Part of me really wants to feel cared for/to have people be kind to me/whatever best fits for you here but when you say caring/nice things to me I always feel very panicky and it makes me want to run.”

And you could leave it like that and see where the conversation takes you. Or you could finish by saying something like “could you please stop doing that because I’m finding it too difficult and I don’t want to end up terminating or trying to make you terminate with me.”

And I’m using parts the same way as @NightSky - not to suggest you are doing formal parts work but just to acknowledge the inner conflict that we all experience from time to time, as NightSky gave an example of.

Good luck!

 

[FauxLiz]

What is the worst outcome that you can imagine happening

The worst outcome that I can imagine is that he continues in a more subtle way and I become accustomed to hearing things like that from him or worse he says them more often and I just turn tail and run and never tell him why and never give him a chance to help me.

The part that doesn’t want your T to say them is likely a part of you that doesn’t know how to accept it or is afraid of attachment

I am terrified of becoming attached to him. I grew very attached to my previous T to the point that I deliberately withheld information and censored what I said because I didn't want to lose him in my life. When I did move and we terminated it devestated me and I still struggle with my attachment to him to the point where if I could find a way to move back and continue seeing him which I am beginning to realize would not allow me to progress any further because I would be still scared of losing him.

I think that push/pull in therapy is quite common,

My previous therapist talked about this the last time we met, he said that I have tendency to try and pull others into agreeing with me about how screwed up I am and that there were times he felt himself giving into that pull which I use to push others away from me. I know I shouldn't do this but I would rather push people away than risk getting hurt.

 

[NightSky]

I *think* (and maybe others with more experience could chime in here) the urgency of that attachment, if worked with and through, becomes less with time. If you terminated in the middle, that may not be a good indication of the inevitability of being hurt by attachment again. I’m saying this as I am definitely more attached than I’m comfortable with, to my T. But I know, intellectually, as I learn to better take care of myself and learn how to operate within an attached relationship, it will loosen up and I’ll feel ok moving on when the time comes. I can’t speak to that for sure- I haven’t been there yet. But I’m sure others have. And I know within this attachment I am able to do a lot more honest work than I ever did with a t who I never developed any attachment to. I’m sure we’re all unique in our attachment wounds, if they exist. But being as honest as you can about that fear could help as well.

 

[barefoot]

I hope you find a way to share this with your T...I think it would be a pity if you end up running without bringing this up, because it seems like you are doing some good work with him. And it sounds like, although you have the urge to run, that’s not really what you want if you describe that as being the worst possible outcome.